My time on the Master Cleanser Fast, with apologies to Helen Fielding
Alcohol units 7, glasses of warm lemonade drunk 100, glasses of warm salt water drunk 20, glasses of warm laxative tea drunk 10, glasses of nasty-ass psyllium and bentonite shake 10, bowls of delicious warm ground flaxseed slurry eaten 15, tomatoes eaten 15, persimmons eaten 5, chocolates eaten 10, pulled pork savored 1 cup, turkey sandwiches devoured 2
Saw M.H. at Hemlock Saturday. He had just gotten off 11 days on Master Cleanser Fast. Have heard him speak of this fast before. We discussed it at length over beer after beer after beer. Someone kept handing me beers. Next day was extremely hung over and craving grog. Mixed up some sweet salty limeade with cayenne and felt much better. Determined to go on Master Cleanser fast, primarily because when boyfriend is on tour for weeks and weeks, like now, am too depressed to select, cook and eat interesting, nutritious, delightful gourmet foods we typically cook and enjoy together. Have been reduced to eating tuna out of can, or peanut butter out of jar, when driven by extreme hunger. In other words, was already fasting unintentionally, so may as well fast with a purpose. Do not really believe detoxification paranoia, but liver could sure as hell use a break. Waistline not as girlishly slim as two years ago, either. Emailed Wilson for her response, which came promptly: “Oh yes. I know this fast well my friend.” Went to store with Nathalie; when I went for the Grade B maple syrup she immediately said “Are you doing the Lemonade Fast?” A ha ha hah ah aha ha ah ha ha. Spent evening reading Master Cleanser message boards. Oh the horror. Worst exchanges I can recall:
Q: I’m having terrible heartburn with all this lemon and cayenne. Is this a cause for concern?
A: Don’t worry, you’re probably just having an acid reflux response. It’s really important that you keep going to Day 10 to see all the positive results!!!! This too shall pass my friend!!!! PEACE LOVE OAT BRAN
Q: I’m having terrible, painful diarrhea, I can’t leave the bathroom except for very short times. I’m drinking lots of liquids but I feel lightheaded like I might pass out. Is this a cause for concern?
A: Don’t worry, we call this “butt pee,” and we all get this! It’s really important that you keep going to Day 10 to see all the positive results!!!! This too shall pass my friend!!!! HA HA HA PUN INTENDED!
OMG, am thinking to self, OMG.
Day before I was to begin fast, ate 10 mini-Snickers bars and two fish tacos. Felt absolutely disgusting. First morning of fast, could barely get two glasses (half the recommended amount) of salt water down. Had to add liberal amounts of stevia. Did not have the promised enormous BM. My bad. Drank warm lemonade all day. Felt OK aside from debilitating headache that necessitated lots of green tea in afternoon. Not too hungry. Then someone brought in pulled pork he had barbecued; ate some, of course. Can not expect self to resist free, savory delicacies. That night, had bentonite with water and psyllium. FUCK! NASTY! Washed it down with laxative tea chaser. Did not have promised BM of tire rubber. Next day, same routine, but this time someone brought turkey sandwiches from meeting. Ate two. That night, ate huge bowl of ground flaxseed with laxative tea and heaping amounts of stevia. Delicious! No tire rubber BM. Next day, had BM that looked exactly like flax and psyllium. Great, I am now person who looks at their BMs. No matter, have read posts on Master Cleanser message board by people who DISSECT their BMs. OMG, am now person who calls shit “BMs.” Will mend my ways.
Days going by. Some heartburn from lemon and cayenne. Now eating (raw) tomatoes and persimmons for dinners. Insane cravings for bread and cheese have subsided, thankfully. More psyllium shit. Looks completely benign. No sign whatsoever that I had the threatened 30 lbs of mucoid plaque in my gut. Thanks to occasional solid food I feel fine. Am patting self on back for being smart enough to include solid food on my liquid fast. Will recommend to all non-religious fasters. Over and out.