November 12, 2000

Everything Day Logs
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Time: Sun, 12 Nov 2000 00:21:01 GMT
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JeffMagnus node of the day: Everything Rumors

I was driving home from the thrift store with a bunch of new cloth napkins and looked up at the sky. I almost hit the brakes, because I was splashed with a wave of intense melancholy. The sky looked like a damned Hobie t shirt - it started at dark cadet blue, then faded and segued to deep orange. Silhouetted against this SoCal background were the date palms and crappy one story rental houses that hold more people than their leases allow.

I was struck by the strangeness of being someplace that was distinctly not home. Arizona is a nice place to visit, but I don't want to live here. I crave mud as opposed to dust, and pines as opposed to palms.

I finished driving home and washed all of my new napkins, and made myself some angel hair pasta. My room mate clogged the kitchen sink - the side with the garbage disposal - so I got the added treat of clearing out the drain. It was stuffed with ruby red grapefruit rinds and pulp. While I was completely fucking aggravated that this mess had been left, I was thankful that it wasn't something meat based, which would surely have smelled much worse.

I am considering feeding my room mate to the terrible seething gimletchops. He undoubtedly deserves it.

Yesterday was my sleep day. Because I worked so hard last week, I became so tired that I slept all day. I once again heard from a friend that speed limits are enforced in Belgium as he got a fine for speeding. I'm still a fan of the German system of no speed limits on highways. But there seems no political party available in Belgium that wants to change the law. But anyway, a lot of people keep speeding.

Today is one of the strangest on record in my short 16 revolutions about the Sun. I broke up with the girl I've had the most feelings for in my life today. I know that what I felt will be called nothing more than "puppy love" in the eyes of the more seasoned people of the World, but to me it was and is real. Just because it may not have been real, true love doesn't mean the pain isn't real. The oddest part of this entire affair, however, has been the tranquility with which I have reconciled my feelings. I do not feel sad, angry, or disappointed. I do not feel happy, joyful, or releived. I feel nothing, and for that I am sorry and ashamed. Throughout our relationship, I thought I loved her. We shared many things together. But now, I feel nothing. And the void hurts...

It's too early to laugh this much, but randir finally finshed my honourary homo certificate. You can see it at

http://www.gruntwerk.com/miller/homonode.gif

This is what happens when I tell people I'm concerned I seem to be chatted up by more men these days than women ... if I was really evil I'd try playing the "safe" card on women ...

Ughh...

Pain....I realize my life is insignificant, and that no matter how much I exert myself I couldn't even alter the path of the moon (An exceptionally modest celestial body). I know there are people who suffer immeasureable torture because of life....people who have no limbs, and must deal with horrified looks of passing strangers.... little children who lay twitching, victims to land mines of wars they never wanted to fight... I know what I suffer is not important at all and is trivial to the extreme. I know this, but I will still complain.

Right now I'm am sick. I've been sick for the past week, and my abdominal muscels are tired of spasming so as to expel as much air as possible from my mucus filled alveoli. Its just that that damn bronchial itch won't go away. My head has filled like an overripe melon. Filled with fluids, and commencing to rot....OHHHHH MY FUCKING HEAD.

Sleeping won't help. My trachia itches so much that I become apoplectic trying to evacuate my lungs. I can't breathe. What's worse is that I'm not quite sick enough to merit staying in from school. The illness get's bareable....bareable. And the pressure's of school aren't helping any.

I know I'm bitching, and I know I'm a worthless speck on this world, and that my pain is only an iota of that of others. I now all this...but still it fucking hurts.

A dilemma.

My first daylog ever... but I was introduced to E2 by someone I know in Real Life. That someone being the prolific fondue. I have read most of his personal stuff and daylogs now and although I know a lot more about him, it certainly makes me a lot less comfortable about being open on E2 because he will undoubtedly see. And he might confront me with it. I certainly did him - though hopefully not in an altogether unpleasant way. Although I haven't seem him face-to-face since then. Interesting.

For the moment anyway then I will have to keep it superficial. Today. Well. I got up about 1500 and then proceeded to start watching the original version of The Thomas Crown Affair. I like the new version quite a lot.

Now I am just worrying about university coursework I have to do for tomorrow but I am not doing because of noding. I also have a bloody bad cold or sinusitus or something. Argh. Anyway - concurrency beckons...

Well, the Aggies nearly pulled off a huge upset of the OU sooners. Too bad they caught that nasty interception in the 4th quarter and turned it into a TD. OU took the lead and we missed a chance to score with about 2:00 left. That would have been cool, beating the #1 team. Oh weel, it was still a good game.

Been doing a little urban exploring around campus. There's some cool stuff around here if you're into sneaking into basements and roofs and boiler rooms. I have a good method for getting on top of the chemistry building, but I'm not going up there in daylight. Now I need to figure out how to get into the building after dark. We have a massive system of steam tunnels here too, but I'm not real keen on going down there.

I think I finally beat those nasty lines on the screen; I hacked a radio shack 486 cooler onto the voodoo chip, and I haven't seen a line since. I'll try it with the highwind's case closed later, once I'm sure the thing isn't going to fall off and land on my NIC or sound card. Damn, accelerated GLX is cool, I have wicked quick framerates in XMMS plugins, and the 3D screensavers.

Well, last night was fun... I went to the Psychedelic Dance my school was holding, and even though there wasn't many people there, it was a blast. I can't dance at all, so I had a couple friends trying (in vain, perhaps) to teach me.

Before the dance itself, we went out to a Chinese restaurant to pick up some food, which we later ate in a park. It was pretty good, even though my meal consisted mostly of celerey (and the occasional chicken).

After the dance (which ended at midnight), we went out to Perkins. The pie and soda was good... if only Sharon didn't forget Mitch's damn traveller. I was supposed to be home at 1:00 AM, but we ended up leaving the restaurant at 1:20. We had to go all the way over to the other side of town to get Mitch's car, and then go back to the other side to drop me off. By this time, it was about 1:45, and I was dead. I tried sneaking in, but to no avail... my mother was still awake in her bedroom, and came in to give me a lecture.

"You've got a new group of friends, most of whom are older than you, so you need to prove you can be a responsible young adult before I let you go wild." In a sentence, that was it.

So now, I'm waiting for the punishment to come through... probably grounding for a week. Blah. Maybe I'll use the day to do my AP History and read some more of Les Miserables.

20:14 GMT

I've decided that there are at least two polarizations of personality that people have. There are people who wait for the world to come to them, and there are those who go after what they want. The latter seem to be the type of people who do well in life, but unfortunately up until now, I have alwyas been the former. I say "unfortunately", because I feel like I have wasted so much time already taking a completely passive approach to life.

I think yesterday was a day of change for me. I discovered that it doesn't hurt to be agressive. I don't want to continue waiting around on life to present me with good fortune. I'm going to improve myself now. I am going to go have fun, so that I don't regret not having done so when I'm older. I am reminded of one of the lines from Baz Luhrman's song "Everybody's Free (To wear sunscreen)", and that's "Do one thing every day, that scares you". That's exactly what I'm going to do.

It's time.

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02:47 GMT

Still at work. Waiting on some hardware to get done so I can re-start all of the software. I'm studying some grade 2 kanji characters in the meantime. We went for a bite to eat at Roadhouse Grill. I've never been there before - there was peanut shells everywhere. They are a free appetizer, and it's ok to just dump the shells on the floor. It was kind of cool.. :)

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04:49 GMT

Maybe I'm crazy. I'm having serious doubts as to if Kawana would really be interested in me. The feelings she gave me seem to be wearing out with time. Oh well, I'll probably see her again on Friday. Maybe I should drop some hints to her then. It's sort of like there's a small chance, and it's worth a try, but I'm not betting on it. Maybe I'll just work on being friends with her.

I sent a couple of emails out to some ladies on a dating site. I've never done that before, so it was sort of a new experience. I probably wouldn't have done such a thing a month ago, but I'm getting much more comfortable with socializing, and I am finally getting some self-esteem. It's much more practical for me to try to meet someone from a dating service than to put too much energy into Kawana, but I'll still leave that option open just in case :)

I spent about 8 hours at work today, and really didn't do anything until the end. I spent most of that time studying kanji, and I am up to the 120th character. I started practicing drawing them as well, since the kanji henabi program in my palm pilot shows me the stroke order and direction.

I really want to learn this language, as it seems so fascinating and logical. Besides, if I ever become an anime fan, it will work out great :) The only anime movie or series I've seen is Ghost in the Shell, which I think was quite awesome.

I need to return some of my netflix movies so that I can rent a few other anime movies people have been suggesting to me. I think I've had some of these DVDs since January. It would have been cheaper to buy them; but it's nice to have the unlimited rental situation. I'm sure they like my status as a customer. What I don't understand is why they keep sending me emails, reminding me to trade my movies in. Isn't it in their best interest for me to keep holding onto the ones I have?

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07:23 GMT

I really enjoyed the node My brain went on vacation and left my pancreas in charge. I had to mention it here, because I could only give it one vote and it was already C!ed, but it deserves much more :)

I really don't know what else to say. Body going numb. Time for sleep.

So what do you do when you have insomnia? Read a book, pet your pet (or "pet" something else), watch television, node, or scramble around your apartment looking for cable tv connections?

Well, I don't know about you, but at about 5 a.m. this morning, I, unable to sleep despite the best efforts of The ABCs of Relativity] and FOX TV, discovered cable in my walls.

Soon after I had moved into my flat, I noticed two 75 ohm coaxial cables in my closet, each split into two pieces with a connector. They'd intrigued me before but I didn't want to chance messing with somebody else watching Sex and the City or Crocodile Hunter so I didn't touch them.

However, in the wee hours of the morning I have no such reservations.

I got out my 2-way splitter (you see, my tv has 2-tuner PIP) and quickly switched it into the first cable. I plugged it into my other, soundless tv and voila! Baywatch Nights came in, perfectly clear.

I was pleased, to say the least. And I'm not a Baywatch fan, either.

My next effort was finding the ultimate end of said cable. Wouldn't you know it, it terminated in a jack in my baseboard.

So I've got cable now. I don't know how long it will last, but I know I'm taping all the Kids in the Hall while I can.

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Also, I logged onto e2 today just in time to see The easiest way to thwart an automatically flushing toilet fall off Cream of the Cool on the front page!

Alas! The day is mine.

Got up in the morning from a strange but lovely dream. I wrote about it immediately afterwards so that I didn't forget and my cat was crying for me to pay attention to her which made it harder. Then a friend of mine came online and we talked for a while and she got me mad, which I do very rarely, she didn't seem to care though. :( Which ended up getting me sad.

Then I played with my Virgin for a while and then decided to watch a movie. I watched the first half of The Green Mile and got bored with the whole concept that I was not noding or thinking about noding. So I came back online and decided to get on iRC where I have some trouble getting on but my lovely and sexy mentor helped me. :) I LOVE YOU!! While on iRC I noticed that my computer was trying to send people something. To demostrate, this was one of the messages: "DCC Send of MyPicture.bmp.vbs to Byzantine timed out..." I curse and said, "What the." The people explained that I needed a virus protector and I said, "Uhh....I think I have one." I found it and updated the software and it is still trying to exterminate the darn sucker as I type. :)

My sister then decides to come home and said that she wanted Hamburger Helper so we left to HEB to buy some. On the way we talked about Ralph Nader, who ran for President of the United States this election. She wanted him to be President because he would "legalize marijuana" snd said, "If everyone smoked pot then we would all live in peace." I bursted her tiny bubble but of course she was kidding. We talked about the Army and how if people did smoke pot then they wouldn't join the Army because they would be lazy, our economy would fall, if the Army smoked then we would lose at war, and many other things. See this all came off the top of my head.

At H.E.B. (a grocery store) we looked around for what we were going to buy and I realized that I forgot the money!! My sister luckily had some change and we chose a box of Macaroni Beef. Then she wanted chips so we decided on two types, Sour Cream n Onion and Pizzalicious Pringles. She asked me which I would rather prefer and being the indesicive person I am we settled it by a game of Paper, Rock, Scissors where I had paper and she had scissors. On the way home we heard some "Say My Name" by Destiny's Child.

Home now I came back on-line and talked with some people for a while and my sister made the Hamburger Helper and we decided to watch Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo and I laughed so hard that I am running and screaming from the tv!! Then I came back on-line to write this node. :)

UPDATE: found out my computer had, as I type this, 10 viruses!! Isn't that so cool? :)

Talk about your high quality weekends, well this was one of them. Friday night we had huge snow/ice storm and my girlfriend “had” to stay over. Two words for that one: FUCKIN’ ERICA!!! That’s all I’ll say about that one. Hehe. I also bought some new clothes, a sweet new hoodie that has a nice big dragon on the back, and some new t-shirts. Although I’m afraid that my girlfriend will try and steal the new shirts, at least one I think. They’re nice looking on me, but they look so much better on her. I think that it’s a one of those unwritten rules about how they (women, and girlfriends in particular) look better in guys’ clothes than the guys do. It sucks too, because then they steal your clothes, and always your favorites too. Damn I hate that. Oh well, not much you can do about it.

But, I talked to my mom about my arms, and the supposed Thorasic Outlet Syndrome this weekend too. She was actually more upset over the fact that I didn’t tell her right away. Not that she didn’t care about it all, but she would rather it that I had told her sooner. At least I didn’t tell her that I had told Becky before her. That would have gotten me into some serious shit with that one. Oh man would it have!!! I think she’s having a had enough time letting go of her “little boy” to this girl, let alone my telling my girlfriend before my mother about my health conditions.

No news as of yet about my arms though, I still have to talk to my insurance company and find a new doctor, and that can take up to a month to take effect. That’s a BOO on that one. I have to wait till the 30th to talk to that other doctor, the vascular surgeon, and he most likely is not even on my plan so I probably will have to cancel that appointment. Yet again another BOO. I'll just have to wait and see how it all plays out.