November 25, 2000

12:51am, Canberra

I had a pretty interesting day yesterday, seconded from my usual duties to Australia's Internet Industry Association where I've volunteered to hack this year's silly season barbeque and picnic. So this involved building a budget involving the charring of meat, inflation of helium balloons, erecting of marquees etc. Quite a nice break, really. It's been decided that an Ashes series will be established this year, with the Geeks versus the Suits on that Gentlemanly (sic) Field of Battle, the cricket pitch.

Other than that, got the shits big time with e2, resigned in high dudgeon for about 25 minutes, returned, somewhat wiser (and tougher). I have to be honest -- there are quite a few too many fsckwits and hardarses here for my liking. Yeah, I know I can show myself the door at any time, but it's the other really really cool people who make me want to continue my contribution. Ah, it's just a brainfart.

Gemma went to the Hyatt for networking, thank goodness she didn't have the yen to invite me. Molly and me hacked.

Tomorrow (well, today) will bring a Saturday, and the helping of a friend to install an ethernet LAN.

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Time: Sat, 25 Nov 2000 00:20:30 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) Debian/GNU mod_ssl/2.4.10 OpenSSL/0.9.4 mod_perl/1.21_03-dev

Number of nodes: 758875 (434 new since November 24, 2000 [711.6 wa7])
Number of users: 20231 (50 new since November 24, 2000 [-7.9 wa7])
Number of links: 2672876 (9470 new since November 24, 2000 [11097.6 wa7])
Number of writeups: 422678 (154 new since November 24, 2000 [359.3 wa7])
Number of cools: 47052 (161 new since November 24, 2000 [174.1 wa7])
Number of votes: 1412239 (5498 new since November 24, 2000 [5535.4 wa7])
Number of hits: 23133633 (112485 new since November 24, 2000 [114420.6 wa7])

Node to user ratio: 37.511 nodes per user
Link to node ratio: 3.522 links per node
Link to user ratio: 132.118 links per user
Link to writeup ratio: 6.324 links per writeup
Votes to cools ratio: 30.014 votes per cool
Cools to user ratio: 2.326 cools per user
Hits to user ratio: 1143.475 hits per user

New Nodes: [rescue the Princess] [E2 nuke request] [go] [Roku] [boku] [The Frogs] [RTFM] [watashi] [nana] [Yon] [The Lute] [How to improvise a double boiler] [Barry White] [Yon] [SAN]

Users Online (34): [Segnbora-t] [dannye] [JeffMagnus] [Lord Brawl] [perdedor] [tftv256] [--OutpostMir--] [blaaf] [Evil Catullus] [TaintedTex] [ioctl] [IainB] [Chihuahua Grub] [melodrame] [briiiiian] [chromaticblue] [AndieX] [Brian Feldman] [Amoeba Protozoa] [Sirius] [Milen] [RalphyK] [JungleBoy] [Jennifer] [TheAlien] [Broccolist] [NightShadow] [McGrue] [Shijef] [goat_attack] [sid] [mneek] [capn crunch] [Juuichiketajin]

JeffMagnus node count: 4050 (-1 new since November 24, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience: 9843 (-3 more since November 24, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 2.430 XP per node
JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.534% (Via alternate method: 0.959%)
JeffMagnus node of the day: what will occur the day after Windows NT becomes open source

Sometimes I walk down the street, and play games with myself. I pretend I’m a movie star, or a librarian, or anyone else wearing my skin. Someone who doesn’t have my thoughts, my fears, my life. At those moments, I ask myself, if I had the chance, would give it all up to be someone else if, to be anyone else but me...

...

I’m growing inward. I’m curling up, and turning my attentions to myself, and find that I have to struggle with my own emotions to accept the faults of others. It’s not a feeling of superiority, or elitism, I just can’t take it, I can’t take being around people whose shortcomings mirror my own.

It’s like being in a funhouse where all the mirrors reflect your worst features, bring them out for you to see.

Every coffee shop, every crowd, every group of friends is a parade of failings.

...

Some people carry a certain magic with them, wherever they go. They’re not necessarily happy, witty, extraordinarily intelligent or passionate people... They’re just people.

I don’t know where I was going with this.

It’s not that I want to be one of these people, or even that I’m convinced I’m not... It’s not about me at all, actually. I just wish these people were aware of the impact they have on others, and how valuable and special they are.

And yes, Geoff, this does include you. Take a look at yourself, sometime soon. I get the feeling that you don’t do it often enough.

...

Sometimes I walk down the street, and catch a glimpse of myself reflected in a storefront, and I wonder who that person looking at me is, and if they have any stories to tell.

Things I have rediscovered the joy of recently:

• icing sugar
• origami
• hitting things.
• anime!
• loyalty
• imagination
• overhyped computer games
• portability and simplicity of interface
• kicking chihuahuas (no, not really... although it's tempting... "yap", indeed.)
• cheese. It helps you dream...

Yesterday I had to take my dad to pick up my mom's car from the shop... Naturally, he complains about my driving the whole way there, though his driving is of course flawless...

And I finished Soul of the Fire (Book 5 of The Sword of Truth). It was really great. Terry Goodkind really knows how to tie a story together.

Now I'm in a bad mood just because I know I have a ton of work to do today, but I don't want to do any of it... I'll probably go to the mall with Seth and try to hit on some guys. I met one guy online, and he seems nice, but I dunno... He lives kinda far away, and he's not as cute as I would hope.

Oh well. College coming soon. Won't be in hell forever. Hope.

This log was brought to you by the letter K and the number 9.

UGH... I hate hangvers...

Quite the party took place at my house last night... just when it looked like too many people had tapped out, A truck load or two happened by. Fun was had by all, and plans for the next party were made.

I've decided to apply myself in the world of chemistry, and try to invent the cure for the hangover...
IT COULD HAPPEN !

I woke up today at 11:30 a.m. to the sound of a leaf-blower and a garbage truck flinging trash into its dumpsters. Damnit I wanted to sleep in today. I got up, and started to read Hamlet. I love that book, nothing like absorbing yourself in Shakespeare on a Saturday morning. Some people would consider waking up to a hang over as being more fun.

My friend Caroline called me for the third time (she had already called twice that morning but the phone was too far away to pick up). She wanted to do something, but that would have conflicted with my plans to be anti-social. So I told her I had no money and no gas (I have eight dollars to my name right now, but I dont know where my wallet is so this isnt a total lie) and couldnt do anything today. I havent received any other calls thus far.

I think at some point I was hungry. I refuse to eat left-over turkey, and I know it will be in my refridgerator for at least another month because of this. So using the honey that I stole from work, Im too cheap to buy my own, I made a peanut butter and honey sandwich. Good stuff. Maybe Ill make another one soon, I dont want to deplete my honey stock too much, but I do work tomorrow....

I plan to do nothing else today but read and do calculus. I still need to finish Hamlet.

Five things I am thankful for today:

• leftover pecan pie
• house-mates away to visit their families, leaving a quiet house for me to occupy
• special conditioner that comes with hair dye
• small cats that enjoy lounging next to you while you're reading
• the sense of domestic accomplishment of having ironed two weeks worth of work clothes

Sometimes uneventful days are the best kind to have. Full of self indulgence and reflection, I haven't spent any money or talked to anyone I didn't want to. No credit card offers, no jaunts to the grocery store to pick up milk, and no pressure to get anything done. Today has been a good day, and I get to crawl into bed with a light heart.

Today sucks.

I was supposed to hit the mall with Mitchevious, before my parents got all weird. They think I lied to them... but I was only withholding the truth. So I couldn't go to the mall, and then I had to cancel my plans to go to Jo's house tonight. I was pretty pissed.

Right after that I spent an hour trying to remember how to do acid naming so I could node it. I successfully remembered all the steps and details, only to go back to the node two hours later to realize I hadn't put links into it. Yuck.

Anyway, I just realized my book report is due Monday, and I've still got 250 pages left to read of The Fellowship of the Ring. On the plus side, I did finish The Color Purple (really good book, read it). Now I've just got my homework to do.

Because I haven't done anything social this weekend, I think I'm going to consider having some people over tomorrow for a "let's finish up homework" party. That's all most people do on Sundays anyway. Jo said she'd come, at least.

I'm going to go journal on my web site now...

Nov 26 04:20 GMT

I woke up at 12:30 this afternoon to go down to the post office and send off the first payment for my new car. It's due on the 27th. I doubt it'll get there on time; I should probably set it up to automatically debit my checking account or this could be a problem. My previous loan was from a local bank, so I would just go down and make a payment in person. Not so with this one, so my lazyness will probably require me to make this automated.

I went to Boston Market for lunch. I went back home and took a nap until about 4:00. Then I went to the theatre to go see The 6th Day, but it was sold out until 6:05, so I decided to buy a ticket for that time. That was still an hour and a half away. So I went to the gym and did a quick workout, then home for a shower and by then it was time for the movie. It was pretty good.

Finally, I went for chinese food and grabbed some groceries for the week.

Not a very exciting day.

---

07:18

I just replied to a couple of personal ads and added a bio section to my web site. After writing that, I had some thoughts. I'm somewhat upset that I wasted so much of my life being shut in and lacking self-confidence. I'm not going to let important opportunities pass me by again. I really hate it that I tried so hard to not regret anything, but I wound up with some serious regrets despite that effort. Well, I'm not going to let that happen anymore. I feel good about myself, and I'm going to make some some progress out of this positive energy.

For the moment though, my physical energy is running low, so I'm going to sleep (or at least lie down and think about stuff for a while before dozing off).

My Dad has been here with me since Tuesday evening. And, It's slightly different than it ever has been. I can't quite put my finger on it... but I think it's that I have a life this time. I enjoy having him here but.. there is so much else going on in my life I want to run out and hang with my friends.

And, I also feel a little odd because, I keep running over to my computer to see how some of them are doing. Are you surviving your "vacation"? Have you had a chance to spend any time with your man? And what about you? Where are we? Where are we going? I feel like there is something you are holding back from me. It's like when I ask you about what happened there is a piece missing... Do you not want to hurt me? Are you ashamed of something you thought? I fear if I don't see it what friendship we have will just fade away and I don't want that. No, I won't forget, or pretend nothing happened. This has changed things, and we can't deny that... but we can figure out what it means, what has changed, and move on.

There are my friends IRL who I seem to talk to as much here as there. I think about katyana and the way dizzy makes her smile and I really hope they will be happy. I hope they can find a way... because it would suck if they couldn't, in so many ways.

I asked a girl out, she said no to a date but yes to still hanging out. And that makes me smiley. But, at the same time, I keep thinking about the last girl, the one I couldn't have, the one I fell so hard for. Not as much as I used to but someone asked me about my last girlfriend, and even though she wasn't one, it got me talking about her and I almost started crying again. I don't think I even said much but just thinking about her left me sad. Why does loving someone have to fuck with your life so? I guess because, if it didn't it, wouldn't be worth it when it worked out.

I wonder if I'm ready for another girlfriend right now anyway. I know I want one. I miss being held. I miss being loved. I miss having someone to send flowers to or hang out on the couch watching bad movies with. But, much as I try not too, I keep thinking of her. Which is good in a way, because she means so much to me, and I dearly want to keep her friendship. But, at the same time... I ...I don't know.

masukomi shakes her head and goes to bed.

Thanksgiving Day was spent over at my brother-in law's. There were catty remarks made to me ...advice with the word SHOULD attached. A judgement about me had been passed at some point and I looked around the table for evidence. There it was when my brother-in-law dropped his eyes and concentrated on eating. The matriarchs at the breakfast bar ceased their conversation mid-sentence and looked over at their offspring sensing the change. A mother's instinct when it comes to their children that never goes away. I knew exactly what I wanted to say, I merely could not grab hold of the words and say them out loud. They seemed to float away in shadowy depths. It was exactly the same sensation as being unable to remember a word; you can heft the precise length of the word in your mind, you know it starts with a b, and maybe even where on a certain page of The Mote in God's Eye you read the word. I did not imagine those parts were not there; I simply no longer have access to them, intimate parts locked behind an iron gate, (I did not imagine these parts were not there; I simply no longer have access to them) my master having vanished with the key. It is an eerie and frightening experience when it happens. Their remarks stung deeply, silence hung bitterly in the air, rejection was tangible.

Retreating to the den I sat next to Number Two Son touching shoulders. Tears formed, it was time to go home. Before I left, one of the mothers took hold of my hand and squeezed it tight saying how proud she was of me, how far I had come. We hugged tightly, she brushed back my bangs she was in a happy mood. For that moment, I felt loved by her.

---

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who in ever respect has been tested as we are.
Hebrews 4: 15 (NRSV)

God's acceptance of me goes deeper than the sting of rejection.

Devotion