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Time: Wed, 29 Nov 2000 00:20:23 GMT
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I have gotten a total of eighteen hours of sleep in two days. What’s so unusual about that, you ask? Sixteen of them were gotten yesterday. My day went like this:


Simple enough. Today was a little more interesting.

I woke up still wearing my contacts, which of course meant my eyes weren’t feeling too great. Everything was blurry no matter how many times I blinked, and being the stubborn child I am, I refused to take them out no matter how much sense that would have made. Instead, I drove to school in the dark with my eyes shut (one at a time, of course) and unable to see clearly. What an adventure.

Had a critique in A.P. art first hour. My piece was well received and I got a lot of good feedback from everyone, so my spirits were lifted after having my eyes feel full of sand for an hour and a half. There were a lot of good pieces up today, and quite a few not-so-wonderful ones too. For high school students, though, most were excellent.

A.P. Stats was a bore, but not as bad as usual. We worked in groups on our survey projects that are due next week. We have to make three-way tables relating several variables together, look for Simpson’s Paradox, and make a million other graphs and charts to explain why the color of your toothbrush reflects the inner meaning of life. Waste of time, but somewhat interesting. Good way to spend third hour; talking with friends, making fun of the valedictorian of the class of 2001 -- how could we not? His name is Thaddeus Wilson, his mother is the choir director, and he wears purple shirts on an almost-daily basis. He was sitting right next to us, anyway. Irresistible.

Lunch was interesting. Bobby and I hopped in my car, pumped The Prodigy, and made it to Taco Bell in two minutes thanks to some shifty driving on my part. We then found five bucks in the bottom of my purse after sitting in the drive thru line for a few minutes. We spontaneously decided to go to McDonalds and get some real fast food, just as the drive thru man was saying “How can I help you?” I couldn't just leave the d00d waiting for me to say something, so I said the first thing that came to mind: ”Hey, never mind. See ya later.” The last words were shouted cause I was driving away. That was pretty rude, huh? I think we’ll go back tomorrow and apologize.

I drove back to school balancing a steaming bag of grease on my lap while shifting gears and trying to keep my tub of Coke from tipping over. Exciting.

Fifth hour was uneventful. We took notes on Classical Conditioning for the tenth class period in a row it seems. Pavlov was cool and all, but I’m sick of reading about his slobbery dogs listening to metronomes.

Seventh hour was a blast. Our group of four was permitted to practice our play in the hallway during class (how second grade, I know). It’s called “Quiet thyself and Die, Wench!” We were randomly assigned words to create a play based on, and our ‘words’ were king, Bob, Colonial time period, and drug deal gone bad. Hmmm. This made for an interesting play, as the title suggests. I won’t go into details, but if you are interested in seeing it performed, it’ll be next Thursday at about two in the afternoon at West Ottawa High School in Holland, MI. Free admittance, if you can get through the locked doors and cattle gates.

The rest of my day has been dull in comparison.

and happy birthday
to the one and only
Evil Catullus.

Okay, so it's been three days since he left here for home and he hasn't called. See November 26, 2000 for background info.

It's not that I particularly need to hear his voice at specific intervals. It's just that since he left, things have been vastly different, and I really don't know what to think of it.

But it's not just him that's changed. Yesterday, when I went to my boss to discuss how I should schedule my classes this semester, she informed me that she has decided to cut my job to part time. Nice, considering that would mean my making lots less money and losing my medical insurance. Damn the man. Er, the woman, in this case. So that just added to the whole first half of "It's a Wonderful Life" type of week I'm having.

My friend Rachel tells me that life must suck periodically. She's not helping.

Okay, I'll stop now. Thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder.

Afterthought, some eight odd months later: You know that email forward that goes around talking about how some people play certain roles in your life for only a season? Perfect example here. Life is partly about being able to recognize the seasons, the reasons for change, and the importance of moving on. God's in control and he knows what he's doing. When one thing is removed or changed in life, he compensates, and usually it is a better fit. It's getting through the interim that usually is the issue.

8:14 and the bosses are meeting...

It's 8:14, a scant forty-five minutes before the three-star deadline (steam)rolls around. Two out of the three big bosses are having a pow-wow in the conference room. They've been in there for a fly's age.

There are rumors of a few "cutbacks." In all honesty, I doubt this will ever happen. We've just hit full staff for the first time in two years. Cutting staff is not an option.

Except, the little voice in the back of my head says, except that my job is expendible. It wouldn't take more than a week or so to fill my vacant desk.

This would happen, the voice goes on to say, this would happen a scant month after I bought my car, after we moved into the new apartment, after I burned my professional bridges and decided to stay here.

The voice, I discover, hates Albuquerque.

So, for the rest of the evening I will worry. Part of me wants to be the cutback-ee, but that same part wants to dissolve the marriage, sell the cats and move somewhere else. The other 88% of me wants to keep low, keep off the radar, keep my job, keep my life. It's all about keeping for most of me.

I'm not in conflict, just insecure.

It really really eats me up inside. I just want to know what's happening to him...

We broke up over 4 months ago. I've had several other unsuccessful relationships since then.

But there are so many questions I wish I could ask him. But his boyfriend will put a hit out on me if I speak to him again. I want to know how things are going with his family, if they've accepted that he's gay. I want to know how he's doing in school. I want to know what he thought about Brittney Spears' oh so long ago performance on SNL (I hate the woman- don't ask why I want to ask him that).

I want to know what he really, truly thinks of me.

I want to be able to talk to him as a friend, like we did back when we dated. I miss the sex, of course, but even more I miss him being my friend. In two short weeks I got to know him better than almost anyone else I've ever known.

It's just not right... Is it so much to ask that I be able to talk to him again?

I can't even put this in my online diary, or else his boyfriend will see it, and try to have me killed again.

On another note, here's a conversation I just had with my first ex-boyfriend that kinda sums up my life... enjoy.

Randofu: How have things been there?
MedKidFeb21: busy
MedKidFeb21: very busy
Randofu: No room for relationships then? :p
MedKidFeb21: Nope


MedKidFeb21: So anyway
MedKidFeb21: how are you
MedKidFeb21: ??
Randofu: Sorry... Watching Angel. :-)
Randofu: I'm doing OK.
MedKidFeb21: ok
Randofu: I've had several more failed relationships..
Randofu: But it's not so bad...
MedKidFeb21: really ?
MedKidFeb21: why ?
MedKidFeb21: how many ?
Randofu: Well... I guess 4... But none of them were really relationships..
Randofu: What I had with you lasted longer than any of them.
MedKidFeb21: i see
Randofu: BBS
MedKidFeb21: i see
Randofu: Back. :-)
Randofu: Anyhow...
MedKidFeb21: okay
MedKidFeb21: where did you go ?
Randofu: Angel. ;-) One of my favorite shows.
Randofu: (Boreanaz is a hottie)
MedKidFeb21: i see
Randofu: So... My relationships...
MedKidFeb21: oh lord
Randofu: The first one was with a guy named Elmer... He had a boyfriend already, but I just assumed that it wasn't serious... It lasted about a week... and after we had sex... the bf found out, and I learned they were engaged.
MedKidFeb21: whoa homewrecker j/k
Randofu: But... Is it really my fault? He came to me...
Randofu: :-(
Randofu: I really liked him too... Oh well...
MedKidFeb21: no biggie
Randofu: Anyhow, the next guy, I went on a single date with... But... He didn't seem at all interested... And he was terrified to be seen in public with me...
Randofu: No, it kinda was a biggie. I still see him from time to time.
MedKidFeb21: you will find someone else I am sure
MedKidFeb21: i see
MedKidFeb21: where did u meet the 2nd guy ?
Randofu: Online.
Randofu: That's where I've met all of my guys...
MedKidFeb21: you realy shouldn't do that
MedKidFeb21: it's dangerous
Randofu: Anyway... After that there was a guy at College Park who was curious. So we met for a date... And afterwards... He was too excited, and even though I didn't want to, we had (oral) sex... Later that night I got an email from him telling me that he decided he was straight and that he never wanted to speak to me again.
Randofu: Not if you're careful.
MedKidFeb21: i see
Randofu: Then finally, a few weeks ago...
Randofu: There was this guy I met... and I went and visited him at Washington College..
MedKidFeb21: where the hell is Washington College
Randofu: We had the whole weekend together... Alone in his dorm most of the time. It was wonderful... I got to sleep beside him. :-)
Randofu: It's just east of the Chesapeake, and about 20 mi north of the bridge.
MedKidFeb21: i see
MedKidFeb21: so what happened there ?
MedKidFeb21: i see
Randofu: Let's just say we had a lot of fun that weekend. ;-) But since then, we never even had the time to talk... since he's such a busy guy... and he said that there was no way we could have a relationship.
MedKidFeb21: you have pretty bad luck kid. I am sure you will find someone soon though.
Randofu: And I'm sure there'll be something wrong with that relationship too...
Randofu: I'm getting really cynical.
MedKidFeb21: nah it will work out
Randofu: Yeah right.
MedKidFeb21: you are a nice guy, you will find someone
Randofu: I didn't even mention Seth and Brian.
Randofu: Two of my friends who said they were bi before... and as soon as I try to start something with them... They decide they're straight.
Randofu: I think I'm like... the anti-gay.
MedKidFeb21: ha ha
MedKidFeb21: maybe you should try a girl
Randofu: LOL
Randofu: I don't want to though. Not appealing to me. At all.
MedKidFeb21: I don't know what to tell you :-(
Randofu: I've had two relationships with guys who who are actually gay, and up to 4 with guys who aren't. It's so sad...
Randofu: So you don't feel anything for guys anymore?
MedKidFeb21: nope
MedKidFeb21: sorry
Randofu: It's no big deal. I just don't get how that can happen...
MedKidFeb21: i don't either but it did
MedKidFeb21: i mean i wouldn't care if a guy gave me a blow job because oral sex is oral sex
MedKidFeb21: but i am not attracted to guys
MedKidFeb21: i got a new car
MedKidFeb21: r u there ?
Randofu: Sorry, I was writing something... (This node)
Randofu: WHAT THE HELL!?
Randofu: Another one!?
Randofu: I'd ask for your "old" one, but... you know I can't drive a stick. :p
MedKidFeb21: i traded it in
MedKidFeb21: I can't afford more than 1
Randofu: Why!?
MedKidFeb21: I needed something safer and bigger
Randofu: o_O
Randofu: Building a family? :p
MedKidFeb21: ha ha
MedKidFeb21: i am a tall guy
Randofu: Aaah...
MedKidFeb21: my car was kinda small for me
Randofu: Plus I guess there were bad memories from the other car, eh? ;-)
MedKidFeb21: ha ha

It gets disinteresting from that.


I just want a guy who's not afraid to.. oh, I dunno... DATE.

Oh, a new development. This is entertaining.

MedKidFeb21: I have had about 4 halfway relationships
MedKidFeb21: I dunno
MedKidFeb21: I am really self conscious now
MedKidFeb21: I think I am overweight
MedKidFeb21: Actually I know that
MedKidFeb21: and I dunno
MedKidFeb21: other stuff bothers me
MedKidFeb21: but I don't want a serious relationship until I get out of medical school
MedKidFeb21: so i guess it is okay
Randofu: What was wrong with the relationships?
MedKidFeb21: the girls were airheads
MedKidFeb21: i need someone i can hold a decent convo with
MedKidFeb21: and one i dunno
MedKidFeb21: she was just wierd
MedKidFeb21: she was like some sort of sex freak
MedKidFeb21: very cute but a sex freak
MedKidFeb21: so, do you have any new pictures
Randofu: http://www.randofu.com/ol-diary/collage.jpg :-)
Randofu: I'm guessing you didn't want anything explicit.
MedKidFeb21: good guess
MedKidFeb21: besides i have seen all of those
Randofu: No you haven't. :p
MedKidFeb21: i could look at them if you want my opinion, but I can honestly say they wouldn't do anything for me
Randofu wants to send file C:\Program Files\Creative\WebCam Go Control\WebCam Go album\me.zip.
MedKidFeb21: your senior pics came out well
Randofu: Thanks. :-)
MedKidFeb21: you have a webcam too huh ?
Randofu: Yep.
MedKidFeb21 received C:\Program Files\Creative\WebCam Go Control\WebCam Go album\me.zip.

Terribly amusing...

Today was Jay’s first day off in a week, and it was so long it felt like a vacation, even though I stayed up way too late last night to watch a re-run of Mr. T on Conan. I could not resist. Sure enough it was well worth it to see Mr. T play with his own doll, complete with pity list, and watch Conan’s face while they danced around the set together. I was also working on a stuffed bunny for my son and suddenly it was 4 am and I had to get some sleep.

This morning I was pretty tired but I got to sleep until 11am so I can’t complain. Katie is back to her charming self, more smiles and less boogers YAY!!!! We were doing the dishes (well, I was doing the dishes, she was stealing suds) and she looked up and said, “You are da bes Mommy, uh huh. I sink so.”

At lunch she stood on her chair, looked out the window and said, “Where’s da nieghborhood?” She spread her arms out in the universal “I-don’t-know-gesture” while making an intense jaw clenched face. We pretended that the whole neighborhood was hiding behind the train at the end of the block. She would exclaim, “I see it! There it is!” And “Uh oh! Where it go?”

We finally made it out of the house to take a walk and the sun came out. Turns out the neighborhood was there the whole time. The air smelled like decomposing leaves, a smell I always find delightful, like tea.

We listened to my super Christmas tape, songs like “Santa Claus is Smokin’ Reefer which might be by Fats Waller but I have not confirmed this, and Dean Martin singing about a “yum yummy world made for sweethearts”, quite possibly the best cheesy Christmas song ever. I always did have a thing for Dean.

We made salt dough Christmas ornaments. Jay’s were free form monsters in hues of purple and green, with google eyes and boxy teeth. I cut stars and gingerbread man shapes and painted them funny colors. Katie is an uninhibited artist. She drips paint, drags colors, mixes things I would never think of, then ends up with fantastic combinations that are rather pleasing to the eye.

I love my husband, and the delightful little people we made together.

Work wears me out these days... probably because I end up noding until 1:30 in the morning, only to get up four hours later and do physical work. Finally the shell-sculpture is done, it took long enough. Alfonz, my co-worker, has real Tourette's syndrome. It is amusing, he'll say things without thinking at all.

"Hey, Alfonz, what do you think of Steve (Boss)?" I cry out. Before I could blink, he responds: "Oh Steve, he an a'hole!" Steve of course heard this and asks Alfonz what he said. "Have a nice day Steve, have a nice day."

Later at lunch
Me: "Alfonz, someone once said that the explicitive is the scream of an empty mind. What do you think about that?" Al: "Oh, who'e'a said that's an ass'ole. Who'e'a said that's the king of all ass'oles."
Steve: "But if he wouldn't cuss, he wouldn't have a vocabulary!"
Alfonz twiches violently, blinks in rapid succession and utters:"'ave a nice day."

I get home at four and sleep until eight. Waking up tired and worn has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. Especially when you're at your parents' house and you mom made dinner.

I hate Birthdays. I've been 24 for a couple of hours and I've long been ready for this stupid day to be over. Not that anyone ever remembers anyway. My aunt, who shares the same birthday, has forgotten it almost every year. And 24 is such an unspectacular age.

Maybe I'll buy a bottle of cheap vodka and spend the day in a drunken stupor. Maybe I'll swim for hours until I'm all wrinkly and unrecognizable. Maybe I'll do both. Maybe I'll just walk someplace I've never been and just get lost. Anything to avoid just sitting here alone feeling sorry for myself.

I'm feeling misanthropic and petty. I want to beat up anyone who's ever had an absolutely fabulous birthday after they were old enough to skip parties at Chuck E. Cheese. I want to speed up time and get the day over with. I want to still be 23.

Hopefully, by this time tomorrow, I will have survived with my sanity intact, and the good mood I've had all week returned. But for now, I'm going to wear black and read Anne Sexton poems and sit in the dark and wish that I had the sort of birthday people have in family movies.


Okay, I admit it - I definitely have problems with getting up early, and I really need to work on that. This is, generally speaking, ruining everything!

I need to... well... do something.

Okay, since nothing has happened today - again - I need to make something to happen now =)

Last night... well, I fell asleep, having some you-know-what-kind-of thoughts of some of my dear friends and remembering a few nightmare themes from previous nights. (one involved Gigerian stuff, or rather stuff that would clearly inspire him, about factories and deep wells full of diseases).

I had a dream of some sort, but I can't remember it. Damn!

Time to face the challenges of the day.


There was a beautiful blue moment outside, I was glad I had the camera handy =)

I also figured out how to script file transfers over ssh so that it won't ask passwords. ssh-keygen is cool.


Whee, somehow the usage of my webcam seems to have increased after putting it to the registry... =)


Here I am, useless as ever.

Had a "moment" with someone, then watched Lexx and went to IRC. God I'm useless.

Oh, and as idicated, my domain is now nighthowl.dyndns.org. There was nothing wrong with the penguinpowered.com name, just that updates of this domain can be scripted...

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: T$R The Everything Webcam Registry Avatar vs. Cloud: Who would win? Synaesthesia

Updated: Metal Gear Solid

It's dark outside, and I just heard a kookaburra laugh. It's the oddest sound, after sunset. This fluorescent-lit little cubicle sits level with the treetops, attracting flying ant swarms and plant smells through the open window. I'm so pleased I don't work in the city, so glad I can open my windows and get fresh air rather than grimy pollution fumes, hear birds and wind rather than commuters and industrial hum. In the stickiness of lunchtime, with sweat trickles inching down my spine, I prayed for an airconditioner. But evenings and mornings make it all worthwhile.

Studentism be blessed.

Brisbane continues to amaze me with it's colour changes. This time last year I was too busy grappling with newness and emotional meltdowns to notice.This summer I've watched the snowdrifts of petals turn from the jacaranda's purple trumpets, to yellow delicate flakes, and now a scarlet carpet. I must find out the names of these trees.

The smells, too, seem thicker than in my old tropical haunt. In Darwin, we had the raintrees and frangipani, but they couldn't penetrate the air-conditioned boxes, and in the post-rain cool, the storm smell drowned out their subtleties.

Noding and working to avoid the yearly meltdown. Hopefully stress and adrenaline will rescue me from blithering emotional heaps. He is invading my subconscious and interrupting my sleep. My beloved support crew is embarking on a much-needed and anticipated romantic adventure, and I MUST smile and cheer him on. Yet another "Is this really what I want to do with my career" crisis looms. Melodrama rears it's head and asks to play. We haven't had a good drama in months. Chatroom trolling beckons.. shitstirring as a diversionary tactic, flaming as stress relief…. time to search out the old bookmarks.

Possibly my mother has reason to be worried about my internet dependence.


Out of books to read. Out of bookshelf space to put new ones in. It's possible that beneath the pile in the corner there's a hidden treasure, something that I loved and haven't read for at least two years. That I won't be able to quote chapter by chapter within minutes of picking it up. Avoiding buying new ones, not simply due to bookshelf space, but to hand out as ideas when my family cry "what the hell can we get you for Christmas" and in a desperate attempt to limit procrastination opportunities. Summer mornings just cry out for books and balconies, rather than the office. I need a new author to love, too.

I need, I want, I whinge.....


Good lord, I flushed my head and out came an "I feel" W/U! Fluffy bunnies dancing all over the place. Suspect this makes me a screaming hypocrite. But there's a brand spanking stack of new factuals to go play with instead. Off you go, nothing to see here.

"KB wants to speak to you," says the receptionist at my dental practice at 1730 hours. Considering the long saga of her root canal therapy(RCT), I was wondering what it could possibly be. And I was seeing her first thing tomorrow morning.

KB tells me that she thinks it maybe time to lance the abscess! "Wonderful!" I reply. Yes, the swelling in her gum had localised and it was fluctuant. It had been a hard diffuse swelling over the last few days. Now that the abscess was drainable, she might get some pain relief from it. I tell her to come in immediately!

This problem tooth was her upper right lateral incisor. She first came to me about 4 weeks ago - the tooth was very painful. RCT was started 13 months ago, but she did not return after that first appointment.

At my first appointment, it took a lot of local anaesthetic to numb the tooth, even that - it wasn't completely numb. KB returned a few days later, the pain had gotten worse. Over the last 4 weeks, the tooth has played up and settled down, and played up and settled down, her face swelled up and resolved (never completely) repeatedly. I don't believe she's actually had one good night's sleep in the last 4 weeks.

Apparently "laterals" have a funny tendency to be troublesome. It's been hit with systemic antibiotics, and the root canal (only 1 canal) has been thoroughly debrided. What more can I do?

To complicate matters, she found out that she was pregnant. Dental treatment should be minimised in the first trimester of pregnancy - if it can be helped (not in this case!) I was not going to take it further - KB and I and JP (another dentist) agreed that the tooth should go. It was the cause of pain and infection for KB, and wasn't good for the unborn baby either. BTW, it is to be her sixth child.

That's why she was booked in to see me tomorrow; to get that tooth extracted and an immediate upper denture placed to replace that FRONT TOOTH. Anyway, she came in today and yippeeee - the abscess was pointing (we had been waiting for this for some time now). I incised into it with a sterile scalpel and out poured pus and blood. It was going to be better tomorrow.

The questions is: should we still keep the tooth if things were improving. No, because it could flare-up again, and she is now 8 weeks pregnant. I hope we can get sufficient anaesthesia tomorrow - we haven't been able to in the past. Local anaesthesia does not work in an area of acute infection and swelling. There was no way we could have extracted the tooth in the past 2 weeks especially, it would taken a general anaesthetic to do it.

I really admire KB for dealing with this problem tooth so well. Of course, she's kicking herself for not returning 13 months ago before the infection got out of hand.

i hate winter. i hate the cold. but although it is cold i keep trying to convince myself that if it were the beginings of spring i'd be happy that it wasn't bone-chilling cold. it doesn't work very well, there's a winter smell to the air. it's almost not a smell, more like how the air feels when it goes in your nostrils. sharp.

ordered mom's ring yesterday, then got a call from the merchant saying the address i had given didn't match the credit card's record (he said no part of the address matched). huh? it's my ATM card, and all my statements come to my house. i've lived there for three years. on the off chance somehow they had my old address i gave it to the merchant and told him to try that, then i called my bank. they said everything was kosher, my address was correct. so i called the merchant back to find out what was what and he said the second time he verified my current address they accepted it no problem. so the ring is on it's way. one family member's christmas gift taken care of.

now i have to get a blender and an ice cream maker for jenn. that shouldn't be too difficult. i still haven't decided what to get her husband. or my man. ah well, only three to go.

  1. one queen sized dust ruffle, in a warm neutral colour
  2. acrylic paints in blue, green, red, yellow, and white
  3. good quality paint brushes, small to medium sized
that's all i can think of for now, but given the price of art supplies and bedding, that's probably enough.
for now i should do more work. more later...
oh wait, there's my amazon.com wishlist, too! search for "margaret mcmahan" in the gift services/wishlist area. :) a quick summary of what is on that list is primarily books by Chris Van Allsburg.
I'm trying to convince her to come with me to a rave this weekend. She's making excuses, like work and stuff, but I think she really does want to go. So I'm going to make plans to go with a friend, get everything settled, comfortable, and happy-sounding, and then tell her about it again. Maybe she'll manage to get out of work. If it keeps raining instead of snowing, she won't have to work, anyway, because she works in a daycare at a ski resort.

I keep trying to figure out if she's interested, and I'm having no luck determining that sort of thing. The one thing I know is that she tends to get cuddly with me at parties. Maybe there's a party this weekend.

I have barely enough time to do a writeup. This whole week is rather busy with a company gala, voting, and meetings.

7:29am EST
Woke up after experiencing extreme tiredness from yesterday's exhausting meeting on the software development process. I also can't believe I had some energy to play a few rounds of Dead or Alive 2 on my Playstation 2. I heard there was a van fire on the 407 today. I wondered if I would be able to see it when I get to work.

I don't. It's not there. Sort of "thank goodness" because people will end-up slowing down (holding up traffic) and watch the carnage go up in flames. Some people will watch anything.

I found out the other night that when you vote, you're supposed to put an "X" on the ballot. I put in a check-mark instead. How was I to know? My dad said that there was probably a pictogram shown on the cardboard booth. I said that it shouldn't be there and that it should appear on the ballot itself instead. Poor user interface if you ask me! I'm still wondering if my vote counted. I hate being negative when I vote.

8:00am EST
I am still in bed recalling what I was dreaming of this morning. I recall the events that occurred when I was in first year university in the dormitary. And then I thought about what my Love calls the bitch-girl again. For some reason, I remember experiencing the hurt again last night.

9:15am EST
Something unusual has happened! I started right to work when I came in. No internet browsing, just e-mail checking! I needed to get some small things out of the way first. It's too bad I can't talk about company material in E2. I have a lot of interesting things to say.

Ah well Howard has been on a diet.....he says he has to loose 4 pounds before he goes back to the doc or he has to buy the doctor lunch.....and Howard is tight with a buck, says the doctor hates him because he saved the doc's marriage and plans on bribing the nurse! Only Howard would do think this way, only Howard!!

The Hubby came up to me yesterday and insisted I read the following out of this months Reader's Digest:

I wanted a haircut and phoned a salon early for an appointment with a highly recommended stylist. I was told customers were taken on a walk-in basis only. On Saturday I got there by 9 a.m, only to learn it was the hairdresser's day off. I drove to another salon, but it was booked solid. Still another had no openings.

The situation seemed hopeless, so I went home. My husband greeted me at the door.
"That was fast," he said cheerfully." Your hair looks great!"

That's you and me, he says. I laughed and agreed that's definitely sounds like us!

Yesterday I was in the middle of making spaghetti and meatballs when the guys from Sprint Broadband showed up to replace a faulty modem. So far the service has been excellent and much faster. They let us use earthlink dail up as a back up until they could get out to the house. Spent an interesting time with tech support on the phone learning about pings and painting! Number Two Son walks in the door, looks at me sitting at the computer and says,Ohhh pretty!!!! ...except he's NOT looking at his mom he's looking at the new modem! Ah the heartbreaks of raising a geek!

Ran into BaronCarlos in the dark alley last night, he said NO pinging is not coding (which I thought I had done), but a protocol.
" The Story of Ping,A great story. (Geek Bedtime Stories)," Carlos declared deviantly and sent me the URL for the
Slashdot Review:
How neat, I have read that book to kids in the classroom, now I can tell them about the analogy of the ping utility!

Dad has caught two racoons and a silver fox in his Have-a Heart trap, which is a big surprise to me because the quadimundi inhabit the same niche in the Sonoran Desert as the racoon does in it's native habitat. He painted one of the racoons tails gold and the other white, then dropped them about 14 miles away hoping they won't make there way back to his garden.
We have thought of thy lovingkindness, O God, in the midst of thy temple.
-Psalm 48:9 (KJV)


I am not crazy. I am merely avoiding everything. No, not this compendium of free time. I'm avoiding everything that needs to be taken care of.

I'm screening my calls, I'm not talking to my mom. Hey, you wouldn't want to talk to her either. She gives a ration of shit to anyone who is younger than her and therefore 'has no direction' in their lives. Please, I have better conversations with toilet paper, and that doesn't make me feel guilty for living. And no, I'm not telling her my BIG NEWS until I know I'm out of spoon-throwing distance. 22 and my mom still attempts to beat me up on occasion. Sad, really.

As for other things in my life, I'm thinking of moving. I think I need to move away fom the drama. Maybe closer to Tampa, and just keep my address to myself, or maybe I'll make plans to head out to Tempe early. Tampa, Tempe, Tempe, Tampa. Let's call the whole thing off. Baltimore? Eh, who knows. Certainly not me.

I love these moments before the storm, before I make yet another rash descision, the last moments when everything still makes sense. Talk about someone needing to freak out and just drive somewhere many states away.

So I guess you could say things are difficult. When aren't they? They just get progressively worse, as I dig my hole deeper and deeper. Not a problem. I'll pull out of it. I have family EVERYWHERE, especially now. I'll just have to decide where to go this time. But I feel the itch, and I have to scratch it before it burns.

Regardless of the convincing, planning, and pep-talks I administer to myself before falling unconscious in the evening, I still cannot claw myself from sleep into the waking world when the sun comes up again. It was around two in the morning when I dropped of, mostly due to a heroic dose of little blue pills consumed only a half an hour before. Slept later than I should and woke with a metallic taste in my mouth, wondering what time is was. I need to somehow reset my circadian rhythms—without the use of chemicals.

I removed my bandages today and results seem promising. All incisions are closed and seem to be healing properly. Unfortunately, I seem to have popped a internal stich or two as I now have somewhat disconcerning pain when I bend in a certian direction. Of course, my doctor would probably say "then don't bend in that direction."

My bedroom is in a horrible state. Books and loose papers have all but completely covered the floor and I have taken to a wide tiptoe method of navigating the small space. The garbage can is slowly overflowing with used bandages. In my more paranoid moments in the early morning I have begun to think that they are fruitful and multiply when I cease to pay attention.

The rain finally let up this evening. The neighbor is playing loud reggae at the moment. It is filtering through the walls into my room; only the bass seems to reach me. It's an interesting feeling, lightly thudding through my damaged insides.

Today was kind of ordinary. I went out with Ei for coffee, but my espresso thing was too sweet. I worked all day on a group project but I didn't get nearly enough done. I got some pills to stop my near-constant nausea but the side-effects outweigh the effects. The nurse then drew blood for yet another test. I can't wait to find out what is wrong.

I talked to my sister last night for two hours. I love her so much. She is the only reason why I don't change my last name and quit the family thing all together. It is hard to talk to her sometimes because she thinks Oprah has so many answers. She interprets attacks on the TV star as vicious and personal. As long as Oprah stays out of it, it is a good conversation. She told me an interesting story, I noded it here.

Rain rain go away, come again some other day

Dreary, cold, and gray... The day has idled away from me, leaving me sitting here alone, quite empty handed...

No further developments in the matters of the heart, and I don't expect them any time soon. That's okay, I'm quite content with blossoming into myself, and missing those that I once loved. In other matters, my inner procrastination drive was crushed deliciously today as I scurried to fill out college transfer applications, track down teachers and their signatures, and write the best self-promotion I could muster. Now I sit back and pray for acceptance.

But... I made a huge life-altering decision today! I don't normally do that... All my life, I've been warned, "Major in something smart in college. Don't waste yourself on majoring in art." Well, you know what? Screw that. Photography is what I do best, so shouldn't I want to major in something I'm going to have fun with? Believe me, I love studying law and the weird perversions of the criminal mind, but... I feel the need to get back into myself, to fall into my creativity, to show the world what I can do. I can conquer worlds with that lens... So, if I get into the school I want, I'm going to live life for me... Because that's all I can do.

Eh, I'm pretty boring lately... maybe things will soon pick up.
02:45 GMT

I hit the snooze button 3 times this morning. That is kind of unusal for me to do as of lately, with all of my extra energy.

I tried to find the location where I was going to get my car insurance set up, but I failed miserably. I was told that they were located at a well-known intersection. Well, that intersection has mini-malls on all four corners, one of which was hidden so I traversed the other three oblivious to the fourth (which of course, was where they were located). Oh well, I called and got exact directions and got another appointment for tomorrow.

Today was another day of waiting on electrons to be routed around to the correct locations to arrange little bits of magnetic metal on various electronic devices.

My friends at work introduced me to a new IRC channel to hang out on. I'm going to go spend some time there to get to know the place. I've been told it's a tough crowd, so I'm going to probably get my ass kicked...

I'll be back later to fill in any missing details of the day...

05:32 GMT

I just tried out Mozilla M18 build on my linux box, and it's awesome. It's a bit slower than netscape, but man does it render some nice fonts. It's all about the fonts. When I visit an average site, it's almost like I'm seeing it as IE would display it. Really sweet.

I'm glad I got one deadline behind me now.. I get to spend the rest of the week adapting a site to work with netscape, so that should be plenty of time. However, it's in Japanese. I hope netscape supports unicode properly. If so, it should go smoothly.

Well I've now realized that with 45 votes per day, it's pretty futile to try to use them all up. I can finally relax and just enjoy everything. I've got enough XP for level 6 already (at which point I will be satisfied with having a homenode pic), so I'm going to just take it easy from now on and slowly trickle up to the next level...

Someone finally replied back to me a second time from one of my personal ads. She's my age and she's a teacher, she's probably fairly intelligent. She left me her phone number, so maybe I'll give her a call tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to it, though a I'm little anxious. I've never introduced myself on the phone before to a complete stranger, so I'm not sure how the conversation is going to go beyond the initial small talk. Oh well, we'll see..

A good friend of mine recently taught me that it's not always a bad thing. That it can be a beautiful thing.

I'm always afraid of crying. Because of some unfortunate chemical imbalances, I'm never sure if it's for the right reasons. There's nothing more frightening than being home alone with a million things racing through your head, wailing like a little girl with a skinned knee, wondering if you're nuts, or just having a bad fucking day.

It was a fairly benign evening of beer and a good jukebox. We went back to his place and had some wine as I experienced his "world". I won't share the intricacies of his "world" as that is his private domain and not to shared with the noding world. We talked about our lives and the ongoing tradegy that they are. Slowly things became more and more somber.
Like I said, I don't like to cry (who does?), but I HATE to cry in front of other people. Tonight it was okay. It was more than okay, it was fantastic. Not in the moment, but the aftermath. I have never felt so unburdened. Every time before I felt unchanged, or worse because I felt foolish for crying in the first place. But this time...this time I confessed my "stupid" woes to another human being who didn't try to tell me it was okay. He didn't try to soothe me with empty platitudes or offer bad advice, he just sat there, quietly sympathetic.

I've never felt so close to this man in my life. There was always wierdness between us for reasons that will not be disclosed to protect my misplaced pride. This moment of (percieved) weakness put me at ease with him. Let me care about him fully, without reservation, and without feeling odd about it. For the first time he became a "good friend of mine". Someone I can talk to and not be ashamed.

I saw the beauty of feeling. Pain became beautiful. Not in an artsy, goth sort of way, but because it reaffirmed that I was alive. And with extreme pain, comes extreme joy, the balance of the universe dictates that if I feel this shitty, I'm bound to experience at least one pure moment of blissful happiness. Something I look foward to.

I know that you're out there somewhere, "good friend of mine", thank you.

Today was a good day.

I woke up on time, drowsy, but set to complete my task. I slothed upstaires and took my bread dough from the fridge so it could wake up too. I set the oven to pre-heat to 475 and marched down the staires and thought, "Gee, I am still tired," set the alarm and crashed for another hour-and-a-half.

I prepared for baking and popped the first tray in the oven, spritzing the loaves liberally to promote a nice crisp crust. I crouched down, turned on the oven light, and peared in to watch the mass genocide of yeast take place. They smell so nice when they die in their glutenous graves.

While the second tray was baking, I went through my morning routine (The three Ss: shit, shower, shave). When I was finished I took out the second tray and allowed twenty minutes to cool, watching Regis intimidate 98 degrees. I then took my perfect bagettes, purchased cheese, and well baked pecan pie and jetted off to the U.

School went well.

On my way to the office I called my girlfriend to find out why she was not at school. She said she was sick. I offered to drop some soup off for her to her apartment on my way home, but she told me to nevermind and that she was going to her night class. I guess I didn't feel bad cheating on her. She asked if we were getting together for dinner. I said no, and that I was getting together with some old high school friends tonight. That was fine with her.

Work went well.

I arrived at my friend's house. She was out, but our good mutual friend was there. We talked, and I unpacked the bread, cheese, and pie I had brought for them. When my friend arrived home and I saw the joy in her eyes from my baked goodies, I knew the effort had been worthwhile.

We ate, we talked, then it was just her and I. We talked intimately-- about loves past and present-- and I know now that she and I will be together someday. I think I must wait until after she spends next semester away in England. No need to start a distance relationship, yet. Is investing in another intimate relationship cheating? I think it might be: but I don't care.

For now, my present girlfriend knows nothing. And god willing, it will remain that way until I exit stage left.

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