I was up until 5:00am this morning filling out my profile for an online dating service. I don't know why. I guess I'm really starting to feel like I need some companionship, and that my social anxiety is decreasing (I wonder if it's these homeopathic vitamins I've been taking?). Staying up late really didn't work well with the fact that I had to wake up at 9:00am to get to work at 10:00, so we could all go to a small computer business expo down in Fort Lauderdale.
While visiting the online dating service site, I considered if I should hold off and keep trying to see if Kawana would be interested in me at all. I guess I figured that I should go ahead and put myself up there anyway to see what would happen. I spent quite a while with my digital camera trying to get a picture of myself which I was happy with to post up there. Then I filled out all of the personal details, which took me probably 2-3 hours. I knew it was getting late, but I finished it anyways.
I was exhausted at work today. Fortunately we went to the convention so the walking around gave me a chance to wake up. My co-workers and I gathered up all the free goodies we could, and then headed back to work. We didn't stay there as long as I probably would have liked though.
As soon as we got back to work, JS, TC, and I split from our boss and went to Boston Market for lunch. This would be my second time there. I had the meatloaf again. It's great :) Their food gives me some gas though, I tell ya.
I got back to work and solved the problems I was having the previous day in about 20 minutes. I then did some more work on another project in another 30 minutes and then didn't really do much for the rest of the day. I was tired, but not as tired as I thought I would be with only 4 hours of sleep. I frequently popped over to cnn.com to watch the chaos continue with the election, and see Al Gore narrow the margin in the recount to under 400 votes for Florida. This is awesome to watch. I am going to enjoy seeing how all of this gets resolved, especially with the oddities with the Palm Beach County ballots.
I talked with some co-workers for a while. Somehow we got onto the subject of my interest in Kawana, and they asked me if I had asked her out on a date. Instinctively, I blurted out "Not yet." They definitely picked up on the "yet" and found out how I feel about her. They encouraged me to ask her to be my date for the company Christmas party. I found out today that the Christmas party was going to be quite extravagant. It's going to take place on a huge multi-story yacht which will go out to sea. I've never been on a boat out to sea, I wonder if I will get seasick.
My friends said they would chip in for a limo ride, and that I would be inviting her along just as a date to enjoy the festivities. I wonder if she would go. I can not even describe how good it makes me feel to even imagine myself with her as my date. I'm getting warm, tingly feelings now just thinking of her.
On my way home from work, I was playing scenarios through my mind on how I might help build her trust and if she would even be interested me in a personal perspective. I think back to her blind date she had last weekend which she said turned out really bad. Maybe I have a chance. Maybe not. Maybe she will go with me just to enjoy the party; maybe she'll go because she is interested in me. Of course I would prefer the latter, but the former would still make me so happy just to be with her, even if my feelings were to be unrequited. Even her temporary platonic companionship would be enough for me to consider that date to potentially be the best day of my life so far.
I'm so pathetic. I know. But this is how I really feel. It doesn't feel as odd to me now to write this "public diary". I've considered whether I should write about my personal feelings of my co-workers, but they may come across this site and discover my userid, so I will probably refrain from saying much.
I'll say a little bit though, which I think is mostly harmless. My best (nearly my only) friends are my two fellow co-workers who are also part of our research and development department. The three of us are the main force in our company's technological development. One is a guy we'll call "John", and the other is a cute girl we'll call "Tammy". They are both very intelligent and they both have the true classical hacker instinct.
John is *very* intelligent. He has had some college, but apparently only has something like a 2 year degree. He can read books like a chain smoker goes through cigarette packs. I wish I had his endurance to read. He loves math, and he picks up computer languages nearly as often as I pick up fast food for lunch. I know that he could easily compete with 4 or 6-year college graduates in computer science.
Tammy is such a cute, energetic, high-spirited gal, so it's not suprising that she seems to have hundreds of friends. This is her first job out of college, however she has had quite a bit of experience from jobs she did while in college. I wish I had her energy and her social skills. She sits across from me and always brightens up my day. I considered asking her out once, but I think our extreme differences in social skills would make for an awkward relationship, and if she isn't interested I would hate to make her feel awkward afterwards. She is probably the first female friend I have had since I graduated from high school, and I didn't have very many there. Just dealing with her day to day, I think she has helped me alot with getting the courage to talk to beautiful ladies.
Over the past year, both John and Tammy have helped me alot with my social skills. They have helped me break out of my shell, encouraged my self-esteem (they always kid with me calling me wonderful and stuff), introduced me to try new foods and places, and even cured me of any lingering homophobia that I had :) I have never had such good friends before in my life who are so willing to help me improve myself. I would be heartbroken to see either of them leave if they found a better job in this fast-paced IT job market.
Well, I've spent about an hour writing this. I've probably gone on too long. I wonder if I will ever cut down on my wordyness. Probably not. I type fairly quickly and I think introspectively alot (I'm an INTP), so I'll probably always have a lot to say here. Sometimes I think that I hope that nobody I know sees this, but it probably wouldn't be so bad if someone I knew found out my real personal thoughts. These thoughts are honest and I am almost always honest with people, though I may not say what's on my mind. So if someone I knew read this, they could see what's on my mind without me feeling awkard saying it, and without them feeling awkward that I know they know what I know. (If you do know me personally, I hope nothing I have said offends you, if it does I deeply apologize and I hope I can ratonalize myself).
Going to go for a few. Will be going to sleep early tonight I hope, so if you don't hear from me again below, see you tomorrow!
I was just talking in the chatterbox
for a bit and thinking... Somehow it makes me feel really good to write what's really on my mind, and I think it's helping me become more social.