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An unproductive day. Went to the library for genealogical work but accomplished little, other than making myself literally nauseous with scrolling microfilm. I even got cockblocked by the library computer’s porn filter while trying to get to a site which had New Jersey cemetery inscriptions. Believe me, this irate library patron will be firing off letters within the week.

And then I went to three different stores trying to buy The Magnificent Seven on DVD. I finally rented it at Blockbuster but asked them to void the rental when I changed my mind at the last second. $4.05 to rent a movie I’m going to buy anyway? That’s going to be anywhere between 25 to 50 percent of the purchase price. Forget it.

I believe in stores, really. I believe in instant gratification and browsing and the sheer thrill of seeing mountains of entertainment offerings at my fingertips. I have obscure tastes, yes, but this isn’t some obscure French art film, or even a famous French art film. It’s a fucking Western. It’s got Charles Bronson in it. Nothing elitist here, and I shouldn’t fucking have to fucking special order the fucking Magnificent fucking Seven.

I love the convenience of online and the easy comparison shopping and the one click ordering and the fact that the mailman brings it to me a few days later. But I don’t want this to be a nation of people in their little hovels ordering their specialized goods. I believe in the commons, where people come out to meet and mingle and share a culture. I want to believe, but I can’t believe in a world where The Fucking Magnificent Fucking Seven is some obscure art flick. I give up.
I willingly gave up control of my life to him. I trust him completely. I never considered that it might get harder with time instead of easier. I've known him for nearly five years now. We were friends, then lovers. Now I belong to him without question. The tiny baby steps we took at the start of our relationship helped me to feel safe, still in control. My soft limits have been poked at, tugged, streched, torn and discarded. Many of the things I once considered hard limits have been changed gradually into soft limits and they too have melted away. I still have my safeword and the basic SSC rules but that is the only control allowed me anymore. It's the way I've always hoped it would become but I'm so afraid. I feel myself becoming more and more his and I can't resist, don't want to resist. I was always alone, the rebel and the outcast. He has made himself my only home. I love him and I know I can depend on him to always be there for me.

...but what if something happens to him? what will I do? who would care for me like he does? who will love me?

He will scold me for making myself so upset even as he does his best to soothe my fears. He always understands my concerns but upseting myself while he sleeps, all unknowing is wrong and I know it. Master will want to know my fears. I must wake him. His will is my life.
What:
Miserable

When:
All day

Why:
Someone's mistake becomes my problem

Who:
The ones sorting the mail

How:
It all started a long time ago when my mainboard died. Finally, last week, i could afford sending it to my vendor, so that it could be replaced. I thought that today would be the day when my beloved PC running FreeBSD rose from the dead. Unfortunatly this proved to be wrong. I got down to the post office an hour ago to get my package.
Woman: "Uhm, i'm sorry, but this package has been shipped to Verdal"
Me: *sighs* "Oh, that's only 10Km. So the package will be here in Levanger tomorrow then?"
Woman: "No, i'm afraid that the package will first be sent to Trondheim"
Me: *sighs even more* "Uhm.. That's 100Km away... why?"
Woman: "For sorting. If you're lucky you will have it the day after tomorrow"
Me: *sighs with an infinite sadness and heads towards the library where he would probably write a daylog*

She asked me how much I trusted her. Why would she ask me something like that? What motivation lies behind such a question? As soon as those words drifted up from her lips, my mind was crowded by images of other men and a sticky mess of after-dark, lights out physical pleasure, none of which involved me.

The next thing that came out of that beautiful mouth was her laugh. It is the kind of laugh that you have to hear to understand, it cannot really be described other than by me saying that it makes the heart leap to hear. ‘You are so paranoid’ she said, eyes rolling to the sky, a toothy grin spreading across her face. ‘You should have seen your face when I said that, it was incredible. Whatever happened to calm and serene in the face of danger?’ she giggled and kissed my cheek.

She knows that as far as paranoia goes I make Senator McCarthy look like the Dalai Lama at his most Zen. It was not funny until about an hour later when I did realize that she was just having a bit of fun at the expense of my sanity.

She is beautiful, I am regular. I don’t know how it happened, but we are together and when she says things like that, all kinds of things happen to my internal balance and chemistry. I am too damn paranoid and she is too damn mischievous, but it is fun to screw with each others heads from time to time.

She once told me that I was amazing, my response was ‘I’m not amazing, I’m just a different kind of ordinary.’

Here is part 2 of Florida. I hope you all enjoy it. It's pretty long though: Are you kids ready for Sunday night? Get your tissues ready.

We went to Club Bimini (spell?). It was pretty cool. Huge. Lots of people. It was outside, next to the water and it was nice weather outside. So anyway, we got our drinks and somehow found a table for all 3 of us. We sat there for about an hour. No waitress, so we had to get up and get our own drinks from the bar. No big deal, cute bartender. We went up there so many times, he would automatically grab my Coors Light and then he tells me, "I got it" about my tab that was already started. He got to know Ammo and I pretty well. Tish, not so much. He asked her "Stacey??" one time to see if that was the tab that he should put it on. Tish wasn't discouraged. She was determined to make him know what her name was and her beer. I think that is why she got so drunk. She kept getting a drink just to see if he would remember her name. I think he finally did, I can't remember.

We were enjoying a night of drinking and talking amongst ourselves. It was nice not to be bothered by drunk men asking us what our sign is or if we were made in heaven. For about an hour no one acknowledged our existence. Fine with us. We were too busy making fun of the guy trying to dance that looks like a vampire from Buffy (he really did. I was looking for a wooden stake and everything). Then out of no where, we all look up and BAM. There's this guy just standing there.

None of us even saw him walk up. Then he proceeds to tell us that he is a happily married man but he wants one of us to go talk to his friend. What kind of guy sends his friend? Pussy. So we immediately decline. If his friend wants to talk to us, that's fine. We'll just send him back with his tail between his legs. So this guy walks away. Then, the flood gates open. All of Married Man's friends come to make sure that he wasn't "bothering" us. Sure. Whatever makes you feel better. Then this totally random guy walks up and asks us if we know where we are? We just looked at him like, "Uhhh, what the hell are you talking about?" and he walked on. Then came, Round Face Guy.

Round Face Guy came up to let me know that it was really funny, the way we snubbed the guy that asked us where we were. He was just cracking up and wanted to let me know, that he thought it was great then, thankfully, he walked away. This would be my favorite sort of pick-up line. It's where the guy apologizes for the asshole that just hit on you and this shows you how sensitive the guy really is. "Oh, I apologize for guys like that. Don't let guys like that ruin your view of men. I'm a nice guy." And so it goes. Or they take the other approach and compliment you on the way you sent the other guy away even though you're about to do the same thing to Sensitive Understanding Guy. This was not the end of Round Face Guy. No no.

He came back to tell me that my eyes are just beautiful. "Blue eyes with dark hair. That's just so hot." "My eyes are green." "Yeah, yeah, that is what I meant." Sure it was. Then he pulls up a stool. Lovely. Then Round Face pulls over his friend The Yankee. From New England. He turned out to be the only cool one there just because we made fun of his accent the whole time. Funny stuff. So Round Face made himself at home. Then he asked me if I had ever been out by the bay. "No". "Do you want to go? I'll show you my boat?" "No." "NO?!?" "No." He seemed shocked that someone would actually say no. Like I am supposed to be so impressed that he has a boat by the bay that I am supposed to take off my thongs right there and hand them to him. Why would I go? So I could get ass raped by the bay? (By the way: Ass raping was a big theme of this trip. Everywhere we went, we would say something along the lines of "Don't get ass raped. Make sure not to lose your ass virginity." I am cracking myself up today). So I think he was pissed off from right there. It gets worse. He was watching a game or something on the TVs above the bar and then he turns back to me and says, "I'm sorry I didn't pay attention to you for a whole 10 seconds, I was watching the game." Wrong person to say that to. So I say, "Look, it makes no difference to me what the hell you do. I could care less that you are even sitting here. It makes no difference to me if I ignore you while you are here next to me or across the room." He looked appalled. I care. He then shortly walked away. Enter, Cold Sore Guy.

Supposedly this guy is from California and it wasn't a cold sore on his lip, he got it from "playing Rugby". Riiiiiight. Next you're going to tell me that your cock is so large that you get a fat lip every time you get a boner. His eyes were merely slits on his bulbous head. I don't even remember what he was talking about. We were too busy ignoring him to pay any attention. Ammo kept circling her mouth with her finger going, "Ugh! Ugh! What is that funk?" right in his face. Hilarious. Finally, I told him that we were all ignoring him in hopes that he would go away. He told me that if I wanted him to go away then just say go away. "Go away," and away he went. Then came, Ball State. You see, we found the secret of getting a guy to talk to you. Just look at him. It is really that simple. Ball State was a guy that Tish was eyeing from across the bar. When he finally came over, Ammo and I almost fell off our stools. The only guy she was somewhat interested in came to talk to her. He's 30. They have the same last name. That was their connection. I thought it was funny. I can't really tell you much about their convo except that right there. I was too busy making fun of the Yankee. Do you know that they don't pronounce their R's? It's hilarious. And the Yankee kept repeating himself. I would try to put his repetitive conversation in dialect but it wouldn't be as effective. Anyway, we were all drunk, needless to say. I was tired as was Ammo and we were both ready to go. Tish...not so much. Herein lies the problem. So Tish asks us to wait until she finishes her beer. Famous last words. Up next, The Gay Marine.

As Ashley is walking back from the bar, The Gay Marine (note: I am NOT saying that all Marine's are gay, you just had to be there. There is also nothing wrong with being gay and I am in no way poking fun at any homosexual in a derogatory way. This person was a character and I just had to include him in this crazy night ) pulls her over to he and his friend and says "We have been waiting to talk to you all night. I just love your ensemble (translation to the boys: what she was wearing). He also said "I just love your jewelry. What is that stone around your neck?" He also made it a point to say, "I'm not gay." For one, if you have to announce that you aren't gay, you're probably gay. If you weren't gay it should be obvious. And I am sorry, maybe all the men I know are Neanderthals but no straight guy compliment jewelry or uses the word ensemble. He and his friend might as well have called themselves Ace and Gary. So Ashley was talking with The Gay Marine and his life partner. He also kept offering her pineapple juice. Ammo and I couldn't understand this. Ammo's take on it was, "I'm an adult. I am obviously drinking heavily at a bar. That is definitely a first for me. Maybe that is how gay men pick up women, I don't know."

Tish was still talking to Ball State. I was talking to the Yankee and his mother and her new boob job. She liked me. She gave us her address and phone number so that we now have some where to stay the next time we are in Destin. I finally drug Ammo away from The Gay Marine. Tish was determined to stay. She somehow talked us into to leaving her there (with no cell phone) in the hands of Ball State. We were drunk and tired so we left her. We're bad friends. You can all spank us later.

Tish doesn't get back to the room until 5 in the morning. We slept in the same bed because Ammo snores like a mother. That entire night/morning, Tish was sleeping very very close to me. I kept thinking, "What the fuck is going on? We have never cuddled while sleeping before?" I kept pushing her over to the other side with my foot. I heard her giggle a few times and I just thought Ball State slipped something in her drink to make her giggle in her sleep. She kept at the cuddling attempts a few more times. I had no idea what was going on. Then around 7 in the morning I heard someone get up and leave. I roll over to see that Tish is out of bed and Ammo is in her bed cracking up. I was lost. "What is everyone finding so funny?" I asked Ammo. "I just think it is funny that you 3 slept in the same bed." What? "Who would 'you 3' be exactly?" "You, Tish and Ball State." Apparently Tish brought her little friend back to the hotel with us. Thanks. There is a 30-year-old complete stranger in our hotel room at 5 in the morning and I no clue that he was in the same bed with us. Tish, you crazy slut.

We over slept and didn't get up until 10:30 -- 30 minutes before we have to check out. 3 hungover girls frantically cramming everything in any bag that it will fit in. Then Ammo remembers...she forgot to close out her tab. It didn't really matter though. In Florida, you don't leave your card like you do here, they just swipe it in their computer thing and total it up that way. So if you forget, they add a %15 gratuity and that's it. This was pretty much our trip. This is too long anyway. I hope you all enjoyed it.

Something I forgot to mention earlier: While we were at the pool, there was a family that showed up. The little boy was about 5, I guess, and they were trying to get the little boy to swim but he was scared. Well, the water was pretty cold so when the dad got in he says, are you ready for this, "Yikester Mikester." I thought maybe that was just a slip of the tongue. But oh no, he said it several more times. I had to hide my face in my towel. It was also the reason for many outbursts of uncontrollable laughter during this trip.

Ack! It's happening! Every time I go through Christmas (no, really, read it so you'll understand), I get this disturbing feeling that it will get me one day. I drive through as fast as I can get away with, just so I won't have to breathe too much of its air. And I can't help but shudder when Satan's Christmas Chicken follows me with its void eyes!

But now it's coming after me. That terrifying little hole in the highway town has constructed golems to hunt me down. Overweight, primary colored bicyclists! Tens and Twenties of them!! Christmas sent them out from town in all directions, pedaling toward me, ahead of me, around me!!! O GOD, O HELP! SAVE ME!!!!

Oh well, at least all but one were going with the flow of traffic.

I do nothing

Everyday I go to work at 10 PM CST, Monday through Friday. I wake up at noon Monday through Friday. What do I do between that time? Nothing. I should probably go to school or write more on E2, but lack of motivation slowly crept into my veins and now I'm just tired all the time. I spend my weekdays watching Montel and re-runs of the Simpsons.

I did sign up for a class at my local community college recently. It's a Spanish class and it's probably more advanced then I should take, but I thought it would make a good challenge.

This is where it gets exciting....sorta.

I am growing in my musical talent. It's mostly because of the quantity of time I've been playing. I played four shows this weekend, two each in the morning on Friday and Saturday and one each in the afternoon on Friday and Saturday, plus practices. Anybody who tells you that a Squier Fender sucks doesn't know how to use one.

I am man. Hear me belch.

As some of my fellow noders know I have a girlfriend. She was/is my first girlfriend...ever. I am still commited to her and my affection grows for her all the time. BUT she is extremely sensitive. I knew this before I even asked her out. She recently came to me crying and telling me that she didn't want to get hurt again. I asked her what's wrong. She said she didn't want to be ignored or be a burden. Now I don't know exactly what it is that I said or did to make her feel this way. I thought I was treating her right, but as I began to think about it more I realized that I had been avoiding her some. I found out the reason.

Here it is.

Ever since I first found out that I liked girls I have been using defensive measures to insure that I'm never used by any of them. (Yes, I AM that demented.) I go into my own little shell. I back away from intimacy and from letting my feelings be known when a girl shows affection for me. Now that I have a girlfriend I somehow forgot to turn the switch off on my defenses. Kari didn't realize this because I didn't even realize it. Now that I do I told her and she has a better understanding of why I have been backing away.

I am now working on my "issues" and showing my affection for her instead of backing away. My mind is daily filled with ideas of how to show her I care. I feel good.

A little story

Last weekend I spent Friday and Saturday at a christian retreat for single-parent families at a camp about 20 miles away from the city, in a forest. I was set to play worship Saturday morning and I had spent the night in one of the cabins with my brother (the drummer) and the sound guy (a snorer). I woke up to a cloudy, rainy morning. I decided to take a walk around the camp even though it was raining.

After walking awhile I sat down in a secluded area and just soaked in the naturality of everything. The sound of the raindrops falling seem to wash away all the sounds that had mucked up my head from the city. I looked out into the trees. I could make out the outlining of a deer. Not just any deer. It was a prestigious looking buck with antlers as tall as the trees. His neck held his head high and he strolled amongst the trees like he was king of the forest. I just stared at him for awhile. he would stop and look back at me. He actually got closer to me. He was about 10 feet away from me in the clearing, when I did the first is fartingwhich has foiled many magic moments in human history. I sneezed. The deer bolted off like lightning. I smiled and then laughed. I will always remember the tranquility of that moment.

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