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i made it a point not to rent any that were sad, or, i thought i might try to, but in the end it was just the movies i'd wanted to see for a while. wanted to slip out of reality for a bit but.. it thrust me back in, moreso than i have been for quite some time. realized that.. it isn't romance or tears, or anything specific that makes me want to be close to you, share words.. it's the feeling, the feelings you give me and above that, the intensity. there is no one thing that will draw my mind back to you, it is everything. there isn't anything that would pull my thoughts from you short of nothingness, but even that will force eyes to shift, mind to drift and.. back to you, and how i can never feel that nothingness with you in my life, even when i know it is there.

somehow, i managed to stay up 'til 4am. also, with no effort put forth, sleep just didn't come for me. kind of peculiar how such stuff happens.. i just miss you a lot. i decided to wash the dishes before i ventured off to dreamland, not sure exactly why, normally i'd brush it off and let someone else handle it. is this what motivation feels like? regardless, it's done. my fingers are water soaked, my eyes are tired and my body is suggesting i partake in some sleeping activity, and i'm inclined to think that i should not resist. no, it is true, i should not, and so, it is with a head full of optimistic thought'y matter that i wander off to dream.. hopefully, of you.


Yay! I could actually remember dreams this time, even if it wasn't much... =)

Well, I hope this day will actually Bring Interesting Things. Last night was fun. Victories in battlefield and all that.

Dammit, Mozilla's forms seem to have broken over the night. Odd, that... I didn't touch it.


Well, uh, nothing works. Nothing. Nothing... Not even Mozilla upon closer inspection.

I guess I was once again too optimistic. I've been behaving like an idiot recently...

It's not that I could do, er, smart things. It's just that I screw everything up once I try...

And what's worse? I'm actually optimistic. This makes me try nevertheless, making me to screw up even more and even more often.

Why? Why?...


::WWWWolf sighs.::

First, I spent a hour playing Shogun - Total War. Guess what? It's goddamnedly slow.. You heard. It's so slow it's actually making me quite annoyed. I downloaded a patch, but it didn't help at all.

In this time, I played grand total of 0 turns. "Yes, I moved the mouse pointer 20 pixels right, now why are you reading terabyte of stuff from hard drive, may I ask?"

The machine has 128 megs of memory, game requires 64. It can't be a swap problem. I have a 600 MHz processor, the game requires a 300 MHz processor. Can't be a processor issue, either.

Re: yesterday: If you say "then don't install the 'Minimum' setup", well, all I have to say in my defense is that during these "slow" moments, the game loads stuff from hard drive. The CD-ROM drive has spun down. Ergo, it's no use to install more of the stuff to HD, it will be read from there anyway.

I suspect it's an OS problem...

I can't understand why the heck Win98 stinks this much! I mean, my PIII-600 runs like snail. There's got to be something wrong in the OS...

...is there any way of telling Win98 that "no, that hard disk drive isn't there, pay no attention?" I have had this slowness problem since I installed the second hard disk (6.5 GB disk that has nothing but the Linux partitions).

This slowness is so incredible, and combined with the some uncool problems with IE5... I'm actually now starting to lose my faith on MS' chances completely. I mean, not even Microsoft can publish crap like this!

::WWWWolf sighs even deeper::

I rarely rant about Microsoft's drivel, but this time I had to. I have had enough depressing stuff already today, this one was BAAAAAAD...


* WWWWolf starts GIMP first time with the
           MS core fonts installed, and... 

Che asked me to test new GIMP Debian packages... yeah, they work (started up, no complaints except that binary had moved so I needed to change the binary location), but my GTK+ settings leave a lot to be desired.

The reason? Well, my GTK+ settings had "use Arial for everything" in it. I didn't even remember that - once, I installed X TrueType server, put that .gtkrc declaration there, and then didn't get to install the fonts so "debugging" that setting was not exactly finished - well, now I have the fonts and No, My Choice Wasn't Cool.

Well, it was ONLY Arial at big ugly size of 16pt... next time, I'll use Comic Sans, goddamn it. j/k...

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: Dream Log: October 14, 2000


I am in the most stable relationship I have ever been in before. It's very eerie, it's almost frightening, and I'm afraid I'll get bored really soon. I don't know what to really say about it, except that I'm not feeling anything too extreme. Is this good? Is that bad? Bad. Good. Good. Bad.

Sometimes I think I have it all figured out. I then realize I was wrong.

I can't stop falling in love with faces I've never seen. I can't stop falling out of love with faces I've already seen. I can't stop pretending I am in love simply so that I can break my heart.

I'm just another girl.

A little lost.


All of this happened after midnight, so I guess it falls in the fourteenth.
When I got to Jason's, Christin was over. Christin was a friend of Jason's from two years ago, nowadays she is going to some richbitch school in Orlando. She is admittedly a major cokehead who rambles even more than me, usually about her ex-boyfriends, usually more than anyone cares to hear. The only good part about her is that she resembles ginger spice albeit a much taller, blonde version. She has a boyfriend, in Australia, plus she's Jason's guest, so I'll respect that - even though I couldn't help but flirt with her all night.

We headed over to Patrick's, where Ben (Broken Jaw,) Luke and Kyle were hanging... out. They were all too drunk to walk, and Luke puked all over the bathroom but wouldn't admit to it. Patrick almost kicked Luke's ass for it, but Ben ended the dispute by cleaning the mess up. Odd little bunch. Christin and I shared drug stories, Jason mainly listened. After two pints of guinness spread per person over an hour, we figured it was time to head home.

I want Jason to take action, honestly... I mean, there's this girl, she's his call, but hitting on me... wtf. Life's too complex. Oh well, we're all partying tomorrow night, something will resolve.

X-men differs from script off net. The possibility is cool.

This Harvey Keitel juggles thousands of lines of code in a squeeze but--*yawn*--bored with life!

Why libart? To spark. To abstract. To act. To illustrate and to back it. Yet another mature student dot com.

Why school? Work and study really, and why not?

Last night was a perfect, fat full moon and today feels like the first Saturday of summer... it won't really be summer until the agapanthus blooms, but the buds are swelling. J. picked us up at 7am to go browsing a flea market: early morning fried food smells mixing with the sea breeze and lots of old people selling chipped china and recycled hardware. One man had spread out a tarpaulin full of old chains, neatly piled and rusting to various degrees. Somebody will buy one. I got four bags of clear marbles, a strip of stick-on tattoos, some light bulbs, two bars of beautifully wrapped sandalwood soap and a copy in very good condition of Tracy Kidder's classic The Soul of a New Machine. Consumption can be so satisfying. Then I drove out to Hout Bay to buy my first pair of climbing shoes and a belay plate... everyone has come out to play today, the roads and the mountainside are full of people running, cycling, walking, pulling on wetsuits, just watching the sea and each other. Summer. This afternoon I will plant tomatoes.

back | days | forth

Ahh, angst

Finally managed to book a plane ticket. It's a little sad that while it's easy to book over the web, it's cheaper to phone up the travel agent and say "I want to go here for this price." Needless to say, they managed to sort out a ticket that was 30 pounds cheaper than the online ticket on the same plane, same time. So, I would imagine that I will need travel insurance and other such boring things.

Bared a little of my soul to another person this morning. It's sad that somehow I have lost the ability to cry, even when recounting some of the most horrible things that have happened in my short life. I suppose that when all you have to worry about is downvotes, PC crashes and hating microsoft, you're doing OK. It's strange that for a given set of circumstances people seem to find the same amount of angst to moan about.

A note on nuking: I had a node nuked this week. There was no /msg and the reason given was that it was too sugary. Ah, well, I can now understand some people's rants on the subject. Shouldn't people at least get a message and a chance to amend or change the node?

Panic has already set in. No new clothes, no gifts, self loathing and fear of the unknown are all lining up to turn me into a gibbering wreck over the next 2 weeks. Shit. I don't even have a thick jacket, only this silly fleece. Well. 3 days. I should be able to manage.

Phone bill. Astonishing amount of money. Must restrict communication to carrier pigeon or maybe irc. That sucks.

Reader's note: if you've actually read this daylog instead of just dumping votes, then you probably won't understand this log. Well, you're not meant to.

Three days left.

Watch, eight hours, quantity one. Spent most of my time watching more commercial television than I have in the last six months and reading the first third of Heinlein's 'Friday.' The television reminds me how glad I am that I do not actually own a television, the book reminds me that even Heinlein had his bad days.
Outside, I am watching dawn break over San Diego bay and wondering where I am going to be in seventy-two hours. With what has been happening in Yemen, Israel and Palestine I am not too sure that volunteering to go to the Persian Gulf was such a good idea after all. When Orgy went two weeks ago at least there weren't a few random and a few well placed bombs exploding all over the place. Smoking cigarettes and staring at the traffic already jammed full span across the Coronado Bridge does nothing to help. I am going, the image of the fat wad of paperwork sitting on my desk bearing the name that I use in the outside world flashes across consciousness. Plane tickets. No-Cost TAD orders. Lists of hazards to avoid. Useless packets concerning the five most helpful phrases to know in Farsi. More superfluous verbosity over travel hazards, the CIA Worldbook report on Bahrain and a few news stories culled from recent events. On the floor a seabag leans against my black garment bag like a green overstuffed sausage. My battered cranial, all 350 of my CD's, two dozen books to keep me occupied and a flak jacket I 'acquired' from supply a couple of years ago. Disks for mail to Rancid_Pickle so he can take care of Phase Maintenance for me while I'm away. Twenty or thirty rolls of decent black and white and color film, four boxes of banana Power Bars, a gas mask I 'acquired' that actually fits my face properly, spare connector parts for the birds. All this and more in a battered red footlocker secured by the padlock They gave me when I was in boot camp. Packed and ready to go just like summer camp.

False bravado two weeks ago made this seem like a good idea.
Doubt has no end when you're three days away from getting dropped into a potential war zone.

The last time we spoke dear noders, I was off to attend a BBQ with my husbands family and I was feeling rather awkward because I knew I wouldn't recall having met them before. All my worries were to naught because even though introductions began with "I know you don't remember me" (and they were right I had no recollections) Uncle Jack grabbed my offered handshake and hugged it between his two large hands and kissed the back of my hand no less than three times! Well certainly this adorable man needed a warm hug and I know now why he is my husband's favorite uncle! His Cousin Bruce was also unknown to me and he soon put me at ease with some hilarious story about an old schoolchum Russell he visited the day before and their adventures at a desert cookout with only 5 hotdogs (Russell forgot the rest of the foodstuff)where they arrived at across rough terrain of many desert washes and scub,in a car where "The moter works exceptionaly well bur the front and back of the car were both crushed in and well, the seats were down to the foam" and Bruce had such a subtle, dry wit and nonchalant demeanor about him as if this was a typical fashion for Russell and his endeavors, so much so that when I slapped my husbands knee laughing so merrily husband told me,
'No more beer for you Lo.'

Uncle Jack ran his own restaurant as a living and prepared a delicious Tex-Mex taco meat filling. He raved about my BBQ Beans and I promised to forward the recipe on to him. Remarkable to me as to how much Uncle Jack and Cousin Bruce look so much like my husband.

There has been much saddness this past week.....people saying goodbye to loved ones.
ophie I do remember you and danny in my prayers as you requested and I am honored and touched that you chose me to ask. I am continuing other unspoken requests as well. A neighbor from across the street approached me for advice as to what to do about their 10 year old basset mix Reggie. A favorite in our neigborhood who's kidneys were failing, sadly he was out to sleep Saturday and it was a hard goodbye for the whole family. My husband has been opening and closing the restaurant with no day off in sight and he does it willingly because a fellow manager and his wife were expecting a baby, she was eight months along. It was recently discovered that the baby suffered a three chambered heart, deformed arms and intestines had developed outside the body. The baby died a few days ago and the mother was induced to labor. (There is some controversy as to why there was not a C-Section performed and if it was denied by the insurance comapny because of monetary reasons. I wonder sometimes about the depravities of corporate America). She has since delivered and has returned to New York with her mother. The father tells us they were encouraged to see the baby and as hard as that must have been they bravely did.

It was a beautiful little girl, said the father.

The owners of the pitbull have since discovered me on the new route that I walk. Thursday in the rain I walked down to the wash, retrieved the Ebenezer Stone slipping it into the pocket of my raincoat. I decided it's time to walk a different path.


To everything there is a season,

a time for every purpose under the sun.

A time to be born and a time to die;

a time to plant and a time to pluck up

that which is planted;

a time to kill and a time to heal ...

a time to weep and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn and a time to dance ...

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to lose and a time to seek;

a time to rend and a time to sew;

a time to keep silent and a time to speak;

a time to love and a time to hate;

a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8


Almost the whole saturday was spent on business plan for the company. Loads of rehashing same stuff into different formats.

Finally, weekend and I can play rollercoaster tycoon.

It was nice to finally have a Saturday in which I wasn't stuck doing homework all day. I got to sit around my dorm room, drink Two Dogs, listen to Radiohead, and sew some green pants. This is the life, let me tell you. I also got out my clarinet and played for the first time in months! I wasn't that horrible, but since I'm going to Europe with my wind ensemble next summer, I'd better practice more regularly.

In the evening I was supposed to go to a rave in Kansas City that turned out to be in this club in Lawrence so we decided not to go, subscribing to our the-longer-it-takes-you-to-drive-to-a-party-the-more-fun-it-will-be philosophy. (Maybe I should node that someday.) Plus we didn't want to pay $15-$20 to get into Tremors, which we usually go to for like, $4. It just seemed wrong. So we rented Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory instead, watched it at our place with a bottle of cheap (but good!) wine.

A fun night at the union... although I was a little short for cash at the end of it.

Joanna was there, someone I've not seen for a while. She looks uncannily like Billie, and she's someone I really like. While she did go to my school for years, she left for 6th year, which means I'm not old friends, and yet feel I can approach her. (so I bought her a few drinks, and she was friendly to me). At one point, she grabbed me by the arm, and pulled me out the room. All sorts of things were going through my mind as we went through the bar, but what she was wanting to tell me was that a guy called Eoin was really freaking her out, and if he sat next to her, I had to rescue her...

The night went on, we moved to Deep 6 then The Hive, and everyone had a good time.. I didn't quite end up in Jo's arms or anything like that, however much I'd hoped. As I found out on the way from the Union to Insomnia Cafe (a brisk walk at 2am does you the world of good), she does have a boyfriend, and he was even willing to take a cab down to the cafe just to see her for a few minutes.

(it's not big enough to warrant a 'damn', methinks)

Someone suggested to me that I get to be fairly good friends with her, so I'm a shoulder to cry on should anything go wrong between her and her man...

Marching band extremists throw a party at emily's house. It started raining so about 200 people frolic'd in a 10 by 20 room. A rock band then proceeded to show up.

Things I learned from this party

1. Do not drink flavored vodka straight. It does taste good, but vomit is bad for a relationship.

2. The marching band sucks.

3. Scottish people can do excellent impersonations of Sean Connery.

4. Emily's roommate, his name is Ben, is a bad person.

5. Alf, wifebeaters, and thick glasses sell semi-jello shots.


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