So I was at a "new unitarian" workshop last night. I've been going to the church and singing in the choir, and I want to sign the membership book so I'm going to the workshops this month. I decided to when I was flipping through a book on religion and read a blurb on unitarianism, where it was incorrectly listed as being a christian sect. "That's not right," I thought. "I'm not a christian." Aha, I go. So I think I'm a unitarian.

Anyhow, we were all drawing pictures as an ice-breaker in aid of explaining how we happened upon the church and our religious past if any. I talked mostly about how much the singing meant to me. But oh my.. it was just a random collection of people, maybe a cross-section you'd find on oh, the 15 Cambie bus one day, but all these stories came loose: anglicans and catholics and gay hiv+ and abused and quebecois and foster child and adopted and skeptical and medical student and almost just died and fiancee just died and lost husband to cancer and struggling with psychological issues and studying to be a psychiatrist and living in texas and climbing mountains and being alone and being together and ... agh, it was very very moving. That was unexpected.

I remember in red deer on christmas eve we went to a catholic mass. the quebecois/es, despite being outspoken about how silly church is, just had to because that's what you do on christmas eve, and the rest of us went along as a cultural experience or something. anyhow, we left before communion, but later that night I was convinced that I could taste the flesh of jesus christ in my mouth. it was really fucking scary. I was like, my god, I've been brainwashed or kidnapped or something really really fucking hostile. I was scared at how it felt. I had kind of a flashback to it last night: the same kind of intense and unexpected feeling, but then the thought went away because instead of feeling violated or something I felt good. Maybe it's just being comfortable with the building. I've sung in the fireside room half a dozen times. I sat back and just took it all in and instead of feeling like "It's so odd hearing all this intense disclosure from strangers" I was feeling like saying "Welcome, welcome here." and wanting to offer my hand to reassure them. It's a good feeling.

I was scared of churches after that and before that (the catholic church thang, I mean): they were for weak people. I lapped up heinlein: churches are a crutch! Until I met the lundervilles. rational, reasonable, skeptical, in to science, and deeply involved with their church. and were they brainwashed and weak? no, they just had a lot of candles around the house and were very affectionate. huh. heck, that was almost disappointing. ("c'mon, can't you be even a little brainwashed?" hee.)

I remember I argued (that's not the right word..) once with my friend jenny, who was an anglican, and I offered her the dumb-ass "can god create a rock so heavy?" argument and she said "well, I don't know. I think god is about love, not paradoxes." or something like that, it doesn't matter what she said. I don't care about god, or whatever the fuck there is. But I feel so far from the person who wants to argue about religion today. It's this idea that every random group of people on the bus has this same collection of extraordinary stories that they need to share with someone. maybe their family, maybe their lover, maybe their psychologist, maybe the back of their mind maybe sadly no one at all. I'm beginning to feel that all religions are good and worthwhile because they're all about connecting the part of people that makes those stories so important to us. Some by easy openness, some by stiff ritual, some by just fellowship unconnected to the content of the faith. but it's all about people being moved by something and finding meaning somewhere or finding something, anyhow. I'm so down with that.

But I mean, I'm still there mostly just for the singing.

i thought i would stroll, go for a walk, as if that might cast some glaring clarity on the universe, as if that would help my tumbling thoughts. i pondered sleeping earlier, but something tells me not to, and so i do not. (please note, something, that i will not listen to you for too terribly much longer. i am tired, emotionally, mentally, physically. i am just tired.)

i want to write to you but am afraid it would just be depressing or less than dreamy, and you can't really reply, thusly i'll hold most of it in, let it swim about in my head.

i was going to let the dog out tonight, but as soon as i opened the door he freaked out, and hurt my wrist because i was holding onto his collar. this night is leaving much to be desired.

and then there was light.

well.. i could complain, but i don't really feel like it, so i won't. i want to finish my last writeup for the great lakes but i'm tired and will put it off a bit more. i also have a few more factual writeups to finish up. i have things i could be doing. i just don't really want to do them. i could go to sleep but it is too early. i'm tired. so tired. miss you. miss you too much. blah blah blah.
Today, once again, will involve waking up too early. I have this ridiculous lab -- Cognition Lab -- which involves sitting around with a bunch of freshmen while we go over, for the nth time, precisely what the word correlation means, and what "depth of processing" is.

Never mind that I (and several others in the class) have been writing research papers for years now -- we apparently need to be taught what an ANOVA is. At least the class -- which is scheduled for a mind-boggling three hours -- generally lets out after about 30 minutes.

I sold my Fatar Studio 90 MIDI keyboard controller and my Korg MicroPiano for about US$500. I should have held out for more, but, ah well, the joys of eBay. I admit I didn't really sell it all that well.

I thought I had strep throat. Apparently I had a minor virus; the pain in my throat is from the mother of all canker sores. This baby's about 15mm in diameter, and hurts like hell.

My weird exgirlfriend and my girlfriend met today and got along very well. They cooperated in making fun of me. My ex gave tips on how to .. er... keep me in line. This mostly consists of hitting me on the nose and shouting BAD!, apparently. This should worry me.

One of my housemates made a big stink about how he wanted me to clean up my stuff which was (he claimed) strewn all over the house. I picked up the few items which could conceivably be attributed to me. It's now rather obvious that the majority of the mess is due to him. I observe with humorous detachment as he makes no effort to clean up his stuff.

Secondhand Zoloft withdrawal's a bitch.

I love her.

I love her.

I don't know about you, but in my home town it's still October 16, 2000. I suppose I can take into consideration that I dont live further east, since I live in New Mexico and all.. but still... I will wait until tomarrow to write more, and belive me, I have a lot of stuff to rant about...
AMEN and stuff... and dont forget The Everything Webcam Registry I need people to add their webcams!

7:40 am

Now is the time I wake up. I have to go to school today, oh well. I only have 2 classes:

So it's not as if I have THAT much to deal with, but I have SOOOO much to do here at home first, this is annoying.
Anyways, I really don't have time to play on E2 so I guess I'll just bugger off now. :)
Ah, a new day, a new log. Once again, I'm dog tired after working a wonderful 9-midnight shift in the dorm office. Now I can look forward to working again at 6 a.m. Only 5 hours to go to early-morning working bliss.

Do you know what the greatest part is? I get to follow all this up with a Russian test at 9:30! xopowo!

Sydney, 17:28

What can I say - projects come along, die, then rise from their ashes 2 months later to bite you in the ass again. I really didn't want to do my new project and it looked like it had sunk without a trace - but no, my manager presented me with a new spec today, and told me to expect another tomorrow - bleh I sez! BLEH! Oh well.

On the upside, my girlfriend has an excursion to Sydney on Thursday for her PR class, and is coming up tomorrow - happy, happy, joy, joy!

Finally the sun rose, as I was about to throw up from the masses of coffee and diet coke. The project had reached completion, at least until the client from hell would stop by again. Resting for a few hours, I layed down upon the couch and buried my face deep within the pillows. Then the phone rang, it was him, Client from Hell, wanting to set up a meeting for the afternoon. Drudgingly I accepted and passed two hours watching an R-rated movie with my thirteen year old brother.
The phone rang again, it was the client, he wanted to come over immediately. I agreed, but reeked of cloves when he stopped by. That's what he gets. Some more 'suggestions' were made, and we agreed that the final product would be ready on the following morning. The rest of the day was spent writing and running errands for my disorganized and disfunctional family, at least I managed to bring Sins of the Fathers to a close. Now it's time for editing. Great.

It's four A.M., I feel as if someone else is in the room, colored patterns are forming in front of my eyes and the cold sweat is becoming unbearable. Time for sleep.


Was at McDonalds today as it was 95c cheeseburger night (remember this is New Zealand currency) and as a student, cheap = good. Anyway as I was waiting for my food, I emptied the change in my wallet into the charity water filled skill game thingee. The last coin (a 50c piece) managed to land on one of the platforms by itself rather precariously. So I am now the proud owner of a Big Mac voucher.

I'm beginning to wonder why I'm at work today. Only an hour left, and I haven't done anything yet.
I'm not joking, I really haven't done anything today. I got here at 8:15, turned on my computer, checked some online newspapers, Everything2, and some other websites, written a few emails, and at 12:00 I went to get something to eat in the city, and I bought 2 cds: No Fun At All's Vision EP, and Gamma Ray's Blast From The Past, a double cd with their best songs (of which 13 are re-recorded!).

I got back at the office at about 13:00. Since then I've played a few games of Dope Wars, surfed the web some more, and listened to the cds I bought. That's all I've done so far. Other cds I listened to here at work today are Nevermore's Dead Heart, In A Dead World, Iron Maiden Live At Dynamo Open Air 2000, Demons & Wizards, Guns n' Roses' Live Era '87-'93 and Iced Earth's The Dark Saga.

Why haven't I done anything?
The answer is very simple: there is nothing to do. They hired me to give support to a few people (11 in total) that use Optiflex, a scheduling program. But nothing goes wrong, the program doesn't crash, incoming orders get processed normally, chickens haven't eaten their harddrives, so I have nothing to do.

Why didn't I go home?
First of all, they pay me for this. If there's nothing to do, there's nothing to do. But in case something does go wrong, I have to be here to try and fix it (emphasis on try).
Secondly, if I would want to take the afternoon off, I have to let my boss know a day in advance (well, unless it's an emergency). And it costs me half a free day, which I then can't use anymore in the future when I want to take an afternoon off. So, instead, I still sit here doing nothing. If this goes on, I might have read all the nodes on Everything2 before the end of the year.

I just found out about that nice node heaven thingy that nate created yesterday. Thanks to WickerNipple on the cheddarbox, I now know that the list of my nodes in heaven are listed in order of kill date and time, with the lowest in the list being most recently killed.

I went through those nodes and surprisingly didn't find any that I can with clear conscient complain in editor logs. The highest rep of the killed writeup was 10, and I presume that was civilian casualty (Wwhat was the military word for that? Argh collateral damage. Argh! I meant.) due to it being a reply writeup to asamoth's.

Whine, whine, whine, nothing to complain about. ;-}

back | days | forth

18:10 BST

Hmm, a late daylog. This will mean I missed all the bored vote dumpers. :-P

I went to the surgery yet again, this time to show the nurse my still-bleeding-after-3-weeks scar. She said that it was OK, and was healing pretty well. At the moment one part of it looks like those diagrams of continental drift in books - one part is riding above the other. But I'm OK. (hopefully :-/)

10 days to go, can he sustain this level of anxiety? oh yes...

Should be invited out to the pub tonight - this will rock because I am getting cabin fever stuck in the house all day.

Another part of being stuck at home is that most of what goes on will be terminally boring to other people, therefore is undeserving of daylogging.

Don't get me wrong, most people that know me, know I love children. I dote on my niece and nephews, I spoil them too much. Last week my best female friend had her second born induced. I was first to be called outside the immediate family. I sent a really big bunch of flowers and I'll go visit once my cold/flu has gone. She's even tried to tell me about her stiches until I squealed and told her to shut up. But today I saw the first round of baby pictures. The usual small and red and wrinkled. But it just brought back the fact I'm single.

Maybe it's because I'm Irish I feel some sort of inate pressure to be married. It's not my parents, they're more than content with my sisters and their grandchildren, but I ache.

Now I am not good as asking women out. It's the only time I get tongue tied (see I am not prepared for the rest of this conversation for more on this), yet last month I managed it. She came back from her holiday two weeks ago. Nothing. Nada. Null. Zip.

Hint people,

if you change your mind about going on a date with someone TELL THEM

Ignoring them is horrible. It's worse. Have some courage, it took courage to ask you out.

I hate this right now.

I have a problem.

There are two guys in my course, both of whom I hang about with, who look just about the same.

Graham and Nick are not identical - the way their hair is gelled at the front is different; one is a bit spottier than the other; one smiles a bit more; one is taller than the other. But they're similar enough to be confusing.

Last Thursday, I was out at a cheese n' wine event (not great) organised by the EngSoc, with Rhona, Nick, Geoff and others. They all went out to some club afterwards, I went home. The next morning, I asked Graham what time he got home at. He told me he hadn't been out the night before. (this is when the penny dropped that there are two of them)

This morning, Graham had asked me to pick up some lecture notes for him when I was up at the James Watt Building. They needed to be signed for, and I honestly thought that it had been Nick I was talking to.

So far, my best bet is to remember that Nick has a grey jacket, and Graham has a red one.

I'm not entirely sure if I should own up to it...

Today I had all my midterms. Luckily I only have them in half my classes--Lighting, Production Animation, and Archaeology and the Old Testament.

  • Prod. Anim. - Reassuringly named "Midterm Quiz". Basically our second ever in the class, that is if you don't count the first one twice. (He had to give it to us twice because everyone failed it the first time--he rewrote it and gave it a second time) It wasn't so bad--Final Cut Pro I understand. ;p
  • Lighting - Ugh. Our teacher apparently doesn't like the idea of "multiple choice". I don't think I did too bad, though.
  • Archaeology - Well, the multiple choice section was okay... the true or false section was vague and terrifying... the short answer section was the valley of the shadow of death... and the essay? Ahaha.
         Discuss the issue surrounding the "Babel vs. Bible" debate of the early twentieth century. What similarities and major differences are there between (a) the creation account; and (b) the flood accounts in Mesopotamia and the Bible and how is it possible to reconcile the two versions?"
    My essay begins: "Frankly, my dear..." Goodbye, 25% of my grade...

I come back home and write a node about a browser egg and discover I have 1 writeup to level. Whoa, what? Sure, I noded a book last night (Sylvie and Bruno) but I was a bit farther off than that yet... It seems level requirements have been lowered. I'll get to see Node Heaven! Hooha.

And you, you have a good day too.





I'm beginning to learn my own neurochemistry much too well. Today was the last of midterms, and, as per usual, I figured I'd finish em up, have a lovely migraine, fall to pieces, then have to pick up again and get back to the reality of going to school.


This time, however, it was made much easier by the lull of prescription drugs. A Maxalt melt when you get home will kill your pain and make you a bit woozy feeling. Stumbled around campus afterwards, finishing up the errands I had to run in a daze from this medicine. Then came home and crashed into bed. When I woke up an hour and a half later, felt like my head was very very heavy. But pain-free.

So I'm feeling much better now, still shaking off the mild psychogenic effects of the drug, but ready to do some work again. Let me back at it, world. And brain... I've almost beaten you!

...Yesterday...Future yesterday...

2:00ish PM EST -- Bugger, fucked up again

Oh, wonderful. I might have alienated another E2 user with my naturally harsh form of speech.


<Lethal> Hey, why do I have so few writeups to my next level?
         Did something change?
<CaptainSpam> You weren't paying attention, were you?
See, we just got done discussing this in the CatBox. Then Lethal comes by and asks again. Unfortunately, I answered in my harsh, sarcastic rhetoric. And I did not include a smiley.

So, Lethal (justifiably) got a little upset over it.

Sorry I said that to ya, Lethal. It's just my usual form of speech. Sorry it sounded like an insult.

In recompence, I headed out and gave myself a swift punch to the gut. I'll try to keep my talking to IRC from now on.

ADDED TO THE PLAYLIST OF CRAP TODAY: "Heart Failed (In The Back Of A Taxi)", Saint Etienne... Just a rather interesting number I heard on the radio Sunday night (Our local station plays trancey stuff like that late-nite Sundays...)

Woke up. 6:30. Took shower and went back to bed. Still same gastrointestinal problems as yesterday. Went back to bed.

Woke up. 10:30. Layed around. Tryed to find some health help on the Mayo Clinic website. It sucks. Took a Motrin and felt hella better. Finally! My CD that I ordered 2 months ago arrived today from Belgium. Paul Oakenfold - Resident. It's great. Highly recommended. Sat around some more. Worked on that ambient tune again. I finished it today. I found out about the new write up requirements and rejoiced. Only 10 more writeups left. Yay. Left to go pick up some stranded friends at the mall.

It's raining and I didn't know where I was going. I panicked a couple times. I've only had my license for a little over a month and I had to traverse across town. Blah. Atleast I got to get out of the house. Haven't done that in a while.

Got home and my cd player arrived! Happy day! No longer will I have to use that crummy cassette adapter in my car. Rejoice! I can't wait to put it in. I apparrently missed nothing in school the past few days. Great. Did a little noding, made a little down tonight.

I got magically teleported to level 5 today, which made me feel really special. I kind of wish that I'd been allowed to write the five writeups that I had left, but it was still nice to be able to browse my little corner of node heaven. :) 107 writeups until I get to put an image on my home node. *sigh*

I've been programming my ass off. Scheme sucks, java just requires a lot of time, and assembly language I'm not quite sure what I'm doing. I'm learning to dislike my major very much. I bought a new book today, The Ecstasy Club by Rushkoff. I can't wait to read it if I ever get the time.

I realized today after hearing the soap-opera-esque story of the life of a girl that I work with that I have no life. It's actually pretty boring. I go to school, party on weekends which is very fun, but not very exciting. My life is so normal it's making me sick. I want to do something out of the ordinary. I guess this gets us right back to what I want. I guess I should just be grateful that my life is somewhat stable though...

I was running around the lake near my house today (I like to keep in top physical shape), when I saw a kid walking around whom I have known for years. We had even been friends for a short time a while ago, which was when I introduced him to drugs. Then I stopped, of course, but he never did. In fact, he even deals dope nowadays, and ironically enough, he often sells the junk to my little brother. Karma's a bitch, eh?

But I couldn't help but feel guilty for him. Before we started hanging out, he was an honors student, never got in trouble, star of the soccer team. Now? Burn out city. But here I am, happily running along in my own life, and there he is, happily ruining his own. Maybe he would have been better off if I had never been born. Maybe if I never existed, he would still be doing well in school, and be getting all these scholarship offers from Ivy League schools. Maybe I should have killed myself four years ago and saved a life.

But it's funny how life works out sometimes. Who's to say that instead of us hanging out one day, he wouldn't have been hit by a car crossing the street somewhere else? Maybe I saved his life anyway. He could come to realize that this isn't the life he wants to live and get his life back on track. Maybe I made the right decision four years ago.

I came home and started listening to CDs I forgot I even had. Purely for nostalgia, of course. There's something about living in the past that seems so satisfying, even if futile. I could look at the different bands I would listen to at different parts of my life, and instantly, all the memories, all the feelings I had during those times came flooding back to me. Music is pretty powerful stuff.

My doctor got my X-rays back today. I don't have sinusitis anymore, apparently. Then why do I feel like hell everytime I wake up, everytime I breathe, everytime I look in the mirror? My doctor wanted me to make an appointment with a neurologist to see if he could find anything wrong with my head. Of course I'm sick in the head. But I doubt he'll find anything. I'm so tired nowadays. Like a grumpy old man about to leave the world. I like to sleep. I think I will.

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