October 27, 2008

Fall has arrived and the afternoons linger. Fall at sunset is loitering. It wears jeans and a grey hoodie and leans on a wall on the Western side of the grocery store so it can feel the sun on its face.

The year is winding down and I am amazed, again, that 12 months have come and gone and so little has changed. Time has moved so much faster than any plans I might have come up with and ten times as fast as any action I might actually have accomplished. I am, again, astonished.

I plead insanity
Cause I can't leave but I can't stay
You say: won't you come find me?
and yes is what I say

Why does inertia pull harder in thin air?

I remain in limbo.

From higher:

Orders are not anticipated at this time. Please continue to perform your current duties. Thank you for your patience.

Semper Fi,
xxxxx xxxxx


Duties are as follows:

1: Exist.
2: Attend formation at 0730 each morning.
3: Maintain physical fitness.
4: Fight the overwhelming urge to say "fuck it", drop
contract, and join the Air Force.
5: Try to eliminate whatever keeps scurrying around the
office.
6: Refrain from assaulting your subordinates for
insisting on listening to country music while they
work.
7: Attend formation at 1545 each afternoon.
8: Repeat until orders are received.


That is all.

So it's about what we feared - a recurrence in seven lymph nodes. From the look of it, it's the same cancer as before, creeping back.

At this point, there are not good odds for a cure, so we are starting to think of it as a chronic disease instead of a cureable one. There's always a small chance of a cure - the "long tail" in the statistics, but it's unlikely. (For those of you that like numbers, let me know, and I'll tell you what I know, and point you to the studies I've already read.)

I start chemo again soon, possibly this week, certainly next. I'm having a new port put in a week from today, so I don't have to be stuck with their little needles every week. This regimen will be Taxol and Avastin. Taxol has all the usual caveats, hair loss, nausea, blah de blah. Avastin is a monoclonal antibody (aren't I fauncy) that targets the blood vessels to starve tumors. It's the hot and fancy new treatment, and increases the response rate considerably.

As for how you all can help - I'm doing okay, other than the waking up at 3 am bidness, which is a pain. Wertperch and the imp are currently more in need of support - send Tess your love, and give Kevin the opportunity to vent, or preferably go out and kick things and strangle
small animals.

Lots of love,
grundoon