Today, I learned the nefarious purpose (needs to be noded) for my sudden hiring with a political consulting firm in Washington. They have brought me in, at the request of second term president Trump, to help them with a project that is a state secret. It is not to be revealed under penalty of death, so please don't share this post.
It all began on Wednesday (a day of the week). I was led, by my nose ring (a piece of jewelry some individuals choose to sport - DO NOT FUCKInG JUDGE ME ASSHOLE), into the basement of the building I work in. From there, I was led to an elevator that had only two buttons on it: "Basement" and "Journey to the Center of the Earth." which I guess is related to that complete fucking prick Jules Verne. He groped the absolute fuck out of my great grandmother. Still makes me fucking sick to my fucking stomach to think about Jules Verne's probing fingers inside my great grandmother. Not that I knew her or anything, but a woman's vagina (learn more about it online) is her vagina. Not some ignoble cunt from some hick town who has a hard-on for vulnerable women. Fuck those guys. Let us join together and KILL THEM with FARM IMPLEMENTS.
What the hell is an "implement" anyway? Fuck if I know. I just see the word tossed around. I am pretty much a complete tosser. But I am sexy as hell and I would OWN YOUR ASS if you were in my bedroom. OWN YOU ASS. Is that what you want, little boy? Do you want a beautiful former camp counselor who still holds up well TO THIS DAY to own your ass? Because it can be done. YOU WILL HAVE ASS if you pay me money. I WILL GIVE YOU MY ASS FOR TEN BUCKS.
We got on the elevator (needs better writeup) and went down to the center of the earth. They led me through some tunnels to a cave where they had something in a containment field. I could see it was a man. He looked very old, bald, and decepit. He was awful. The faces he was making just made it THAT MUCH WORSE.
"We need your help. We have unearthed the ultimate weapon from the ABSOLUTE BOWELS OF THE EARTH and we want to make him servicable."
"And you think I can help with that?"
"Second term President Trump insists that you comply or he will diss the ABSOLUTE FUCK OUT OF YOU ON TWITTER. You will COMPLY!"
"Okay, what do I need to do?"
"This is the embodiment of human evil. We have him in a containment field but Second Term President Trump wants him activated to hunt down and kill people who do not like him."
"This guy is that evil that he can hunt down and kill millions of people?"
"This is the Evil Mister Magoo. This is none other than Berhardt Goats. We recovered him from the cemetery after he died of the virus because he insisted on standing outside in a bathrobe with no tie around the waist whatsoever and his junk just swinging in the breeze demanding that people breathe on him because the virus was a hoax. He died, but we revived him and put him in this containment field. Second Term President Trump demands that he be activated, but we need a handler."
"And you think I know a handler?"
"No, I think you will volunteer to be a handler. You will be paid ABDOLUTELY NOTHING FOR THiS AND YOU WILL BE BEATEN BY NASTY MEN REGULARLY FOR NO FUCKING REASON."
"Okay, I'm sold. Just tell them not to touch the face."
"Deal."
"Okay, wake the old bastard. I have a bone or two to pick with him."