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before i told you i had a dream where i summoned sharks to a BBQ to eliminate my nemesis and probably you remember it because its not every day that you meet someone who has prophetic dreams. i dreamt of a BBQ and then on that saturday i had a BBQ so that PROVES i can see the future. anyone who was doubting me can suck on that for a little bit.

the BBQ was pretty fun. none of you showed up but thats fine because i dont think you are ready to have your world view changed yet anyways from what i can see in your writing.

but i might have made a mistake when i was thinking about what the real point of that dream was. it was not smiting Dave Howell. it was not sharks. it was not even the BBQ itself (which actually i lied about it was not fun at all because only like three people came including my aunt who is divorced).

it was the blonde girl with the kickass rack. ill just come out and say it, i met her. i was at the library doing some additional shark research and this girl is there and i could swear on the TWISTED SCIMITAR of Androalphus The Rampant that it was the girl from my dream. even her breasts were large like the girl in the dream and i found myself picturing her with them uncovered. i thought this was probably also a vision of the future which meant id get to see her naked for real in the future which meant i couldnt fail if i hit on her since you CANT CHANGE THE FUTURE (all those movies are FALSE).

so i walked up to her and she looked up like at me like "can i help you with something" and i pointed to my pants to draw her attention to my hard-on. there is no classy way to tell a girl she gives you a boner, they just sort of have to take it or leave it. i think she understood that because she said "well thats charming" and i just nodded in a way that said "yeah and its all cause of you". so she had my heart racing and I was waiting for her to respond but she wasn’t saying anything else, just looking down at her book. i know girls like patient guys so i just kept standing there breathing kind of hard because she had me a little worked up (she even made ME lose my composure). after like six minutes she finally looked up from her book (it was something about child psycology) and said “well?” so i didn’t know what she wanted me to say. usually detecting peoples thoughts is easy but she must have some natural MENTAL SHIELDING. so after a moments pause i just blurted out:

“when this world ends it will be by my hand. i will spare you if you will be my dark queen.”

she laughed pretty hard at that but then she gave me her phone number. i have to admit that for a minute there i was pretty surprised but i guess i shouldnt be.

we made a date for a week later and i was so pumped. i knew i had to treat this like any other challenge to be overcome. the MONSTER OF PASSION was yet another demon to summon, defeat, and enslave to my will. so all week i prepared. i carefully shaved most of my body using a ceremonial kukri annointed with dark materials. it took two hours. i got a haircut and even borrowed a suit from my friend instead of wearing my cloak to the date. i memorized literally every question she could ask me and a perfect response for it. and i thought about strategies for making love to her as well, practicing in front of the mirror and doing some pretty intensive stretching exercising to make sure flexibility would not be a problem.

then, on friday, it was time for the date.

i dont even want to talk about it right now. i will tell you later.

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