Today: work, class. Yawn.

I've started reading A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, and I'm still kind of in the preface, which is funny. This is a drawing of a stapler. Etc. Perhaps, though, I should have read the play I was supposed to read for class. Nah. I found out that I have to work next Friday, even though the university is shut down. Grr. Last night, before sleeping, I read another chunk of DFW's essay on the Illinois State Fair from A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again. Funny stuff.

My friend has decided that he's not going to visit this weekend.

I'm still dead broke, even though I thought for a long time about buying the new Radiohead with my probably overdrawn debit card, and I'm unsure if I'll be able to register for next semester, so, like before, if you want, you can send funds for tuition to:
405 Normal
Normal, IL 61761

I can't wait until tomorrow, I can rest. Tomorrow is danlowlite's day of rest, after work that is.

I'm excited, though, my story is coming to fruitation, if that's the right word, but that excitement is causing my stomach to try and digest itself even faster, considering I haven't ate anything but a pack of sour Skittles today that I got through some free deal because they're new, they're not bad.

Been at work since 2, class since 11. I won't get home to eat until near midnight, but I realized yesterday that I prefer beef franks than regular piggy hot dogs.

This is my life, slipping away. *sigh*

Today is a much better day than...oh...yesterday. I finally feel I contributed something useful to E2. Chatterbox confused me, I dunno why, I read the FAQ and stuff about the check boxes, it just slipped my mind I guess. Also I suppose it's the diffrence between reading E2 on netscape under X on FreeBSD and reading it under Internet Explorer on this POS etower running Win98.

I love my friends again, this is good. I was just so pissed lastnight. *sigh* I dont really have a whole lot to say today, so I guess I'll go find something more entertaining to do

00:55 MST 10-7-00


no really, I have been awake far too long burning CDs and watching movies.
-Doug again

Homecoming dance tomorrow. And for once I actually have a date for it (yeah for me!).

I was standing around in the gazebo two days ago with my friend Emily. I sighed and said "This sucks, the dance is tomorrow and once again I have no date." Emily looked around and saw Jenna, who was walking over to say hello.

Emily: Hey Jenna, you going to the dance?
Jenna: Not really, unless someone asks me to go.
Emily: Would you go with Matt? (points to me, sitting on the rail of the gazebo)
Jenna: Sure.

Wow. A girl actaully wants to spend a night out with me. Blew my mind. So now i won't be alone at the dance. Only thing is everyone at school thinks we're dating. My god, were just going out for a night! Quit jumping to conclusions!

Then again, you never know, we may just start dating ^_^. But that's something I won't know until later. I'll tell you what happens at the dance Saturday.

OutpostMir Noding News - I've started writing the Senshi Cycle again! Yeah!

Riverdale High School Homecoming Dance - 6 October 2000

Well its the day after and all went well. Actaully it went even better than I had hoped. While the music and such sucked, I got to meet a few of my friends that I hadn't seen in a year, since they left Riverdale and went to Blackman HS.

And yes my date (Jenna) made it. And we had a good time. No, we did not make out.

After Stephane, Jenna, and I decided that the music sucked, we headed back to the enterance to the YMCA Teen Center. We got bored quickly, and decided to play Truth or Dare. We all picked truth the first couple times, and we found out a lot of things we didn't know about each other. Very intimate moment.

And then I picked dare.

My dare was that I had to French kiss Stephane on the dance floor in front of everyone. Not exactly "run-through-the-streets-naked" level stuff, but still fun and interesting. We wated until the gesta...err...teachers weren't looking, and we went for it.

My god, that felt good!

We sat on the floor and laughed and had a good time, until we got sick of hearing rap and headed outside. It was freazing out, and we sat on the sidewalk shivering and saying how dumb we were for running out here.

And if you're and Jenna are probably going to Stephane's Birthday/Halloween party, which is always a good time.

I finally got through to my mom in Miami Springs. Most of the house is okay, but the front room that we'd created by closing in the garage was ruined. So was the tool shed in the back, including the lawnmower we just got back from the repair shop.

And, perhaps worst, at least one of the diaries my stepfather's mom kept was washed clean by the water. He's drying what remains -- photos, other diaries, etc. -- as best he can.

But they're safe, if exhausted by ripping soggy carpet up.

My dad's Honda Civic is a total loss.

None of this, of course, is covered by ordinary insurance, and since neither of them was in a flood zone, neither had flood insurance.


Today was hella busy.

Woke up early to do my hair in those cute little Princess Leia buns on the sides of my head. This naturally took quite some time. The end result was quite amazing, actually. Getting waist length hair onto the top of one's head is always an accomplishment. Oh, it was "Blockbuster Day" at school for Homecoming, so I needed to dress up a bit. Ran out the door to get to Mock Rock practice on time. That went fine.

During first hour, a girl named Mali said I looked like Shampoo. At first I thought she meant my hair looked like shampoo bottles standing on my head (I guess it did, maybe), but then she explained I could be one of those Japanimation characters. Too bad I'm white.

The guys who got caught smoking pot on school property were un-suspended today. They were only gone for five days. Last year, the senior prank (which involved caulking all the doors of the school shut with no real major damage) got all the students involved expelled and they were not allowed to graduate with their class, and sent to court. And yet some kids who get caught doing something extremely illegal only get suspended for five days. Inconsistant? That doesn't even begin to describe West Ottawa High School.

I went to the Powderpuff game at six, and then to the basketball game immediately afterwards for pep band. I only stayed there long enough to play through the intro before running to the National Art Honors Society meeting I was supposed to be leading. I learned how to weld before finishing there. It was exciting.

Made some pancakes for dinner, and here I am.

It's been close to two weeks that I have been sick with cold. I caught it at work, everyone else had it, I was the last one to catch it.

I finished up a bottle of Tussin yesterday, but am still sick. Perhaps even sicker than before.

Back home, in Slovakia, I would have simply gone to see a doctor and most likely be in perfect shape by now.

But I am in America. I love this country, but the one thing I will never understand about it is why you have to buy your health here? As far as I know, this is the only civilized country that does not give a hoot about you if you get sick. You either have to be wealthy or very poor to get medical care. The wealthy can afford it, the really, really poor are taken care of by the society.

Making about $960/month before taxes, I think I'm actually poor. My rent alone is $325/month, not including utilities. Yet, I live in a small, one bedroom, appartment, outside a small town in Northern Wisconsin. I work full time, in health care, yet I don't get any. This is strange, very strange.

Luckily, I have been off for the last two days, and able to stay in bed. But tonight, I'm going back to work, working midnight to 8 am. Between midnight and 5 am, there will probably be little going on. Between 5 and 8 am, I'll be so busy I won't know where my head stands. I'm getting too old for this. I would really like to retire.

But on what? When I came to the US, I was a Capuchin friar. I lived with a vow of poverty, not owning even the clothes I was wearing.

When I left the Capuchins, I worked as a priest for the Diocese of Pittsburgh. I got free room and board and a couple hundred dollars a month. The Diocese takes care of its priests after they retire. But since I converted to a different religion 10 years ago, I get nothing from the Church. All the years I spent in its service do not count. In my next lifetime, I definitely don't want to have anything to do with the Church.

Ironically, several years ago, I studied to be a financial advisor, and understand money very well. I have been investing as much as I could over the past ten years, but you need a good 30-40 years of solid investment to retire completely.

Oh, gosh, I need to get over this cold quick. I'm raving right now. Tomorrow's another day, and perhaps my headache will be gone. I sure hope so!

Survived the night at work. Still sick. I'm off for the rest of the day. I think I'll spend it in bed. Besides, it's snowing out there this morning. Luckily, my intuition told me to take my winter sweater and my thick gloves to work. I'm very glad I did.

Tested my blood sugar in the morning. It was elevated, as it has been ever since I got this cold. Apparently, my body uses up all its energy to fight the infection and has little left to deal with my diabetes.

"You can't give yourself absolutely to someone else" --Lisa Loeb

So, there's this guy who likes me. I mean, really likes me, and it's all wrong. He asked me yesterday if I thought I might be falling in love with him. I barely know this person, and that set off all of my alarms. The last thing I need right now is to play the White Knight for another fucked-up co-dependant person who thinks I'm some sort of marble saint, that was one of the main problems in my last relationship. I told him no, that I didn't know him well enough. What I didn't tell him was that I'd most likely never be in love with him. I mean, let's be honest, I never really loved Sean, although I felt compelled to try and save him, and I stuck around much longer than I should have trying to make things right. I've always wanted to rush in and rescue people in pain, but I've learned that I end up just making a bigger mess of things. I think I shouldn't pretend with this guy and tell him that I don't think we should date.

I tried to dissuade him from persuing me, I know he probbaly put me on some sort of pedastal (when you're nice to extremely lonely people, they sometimes do that.. we sometimes do that); I pointed out that I had many flaws ("I am indifferent honest, yet I could accuse me of such sins that I had better not been born"), I pointed out my arrogance, my snobbishness, my temper, my hypersensitivity, my tendancies towards melancholy. These were all valid flaws, but he thought I was just being modest, and I inadvertantly made him become even more enchanted. The weird thing is, this guy has slept with Sean, you'd think he'd have something horrible to say about me. He keeps talking about this "connection", and I keep thinking, "what connection"? I zone out when he talks, he goes on and on about some trvial thing and I make polite noises while I think of something else. But he thinks there's some spiritual bond. I get the sneaking suspicion that he'd think there was some spiritual bond with anyone who kind to him. I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think we should see each other on any romantic level (not that we have been, except in my mind). It just won't be easy for me, I hate to hurt anyone, but in the long run, it's better for us both.

There are too many people at my house. Three people are vying for one computer. I can barely read e-mail without Marc looking over my shoulder asking if I'm finished yet. Most of the evening, I barricaded myself in my room and listened to Ani Difranco on repeat and scribbled down random thoughts and poem fragments on college-ruled paper. My mother and Marc did stuff with the computer and Marc watched inane sitcoms with laugh-tracks and trite stories. The lights are on here all the time, and there's too much noise. I miss my dark and quiet. I can't think well in a pool of light.


Well, I'm here again...

Yesterday night wasn't fun. For the first time in long time, I actually fled #gimp. Crying. Sometimes, life just sucks way too much.

Maybe my friends were right and the darkness is the reason for my depression. In day, I'm happy (more or less). In night, I'm sad of all the uncertainity and loneliness.


Spent considerable amount of time in Usenet telling one user why their web page sucks raw eggs through very thin straw. Well, he asked for an analysis. Maybe this page was the reason why I woke up at night to get headache medication.

Memorable ideas: I said I keep web browser windows sized at 640x600 or so, because that should be enough to contain the web designer's ego. =)

Oh yeah, the user's page crashed Netscape and Mozilla (both) after 45 seconds. You know, they say that when faced with stupidity, even the Almighty is helpless.


Yeah, Mozilla + K5 seem to be a bad combination for those who intend to litter their comments with hyperlinks. That's what Rusty and Inoshiro said in #kuro5hin. Well, Lynx is pretty kewl... (Text-oriented site, after all =)


Just some thoughts (I know, I should enjoy myself, but blah).

I'm feeling... that I'm behind in the Grand World Domination Plan. Always. I don't know what's wrong... I wish I would have born somewhere else where I wouldn't have had any of the army crap or that I would have got a studying place right away after the army or something.

I mean, everyone I know are actually working or getting a work, becoming rich and famous and...

...hell, once I get ahead with my life, I'll end up doing useless stuff somewhere where I certainly never dreamed of being - unless it'd be my nightmare.

Someone, please come out of the shadows and hand me a magic paper that says I'm allowed to do whatever the hell I please.


sirc could be beefed up... split-by-channel log files, color display support (none of that mIRC color crap, though =)...


I hope I'll make some music tomorrow. Sing a little. And so on. Blah. I'm not feeling too joyous.

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: DK Rap Cranky Kong

back | days | front

Remember, Remember the fifth of November

I love katyana so much; I had to explain guy fawkes night to her when she asked why we were setting off fireworks at the beginning of November. She was horrified that we burn an effigy of Guy on a bonfire to celebrate him not quite blowing up our houses of parliament... We don't do it often, and who said anything about british people being boring?

Informing My Mother

I am such a flake. I emailed my Mother about Katyana, explaining things about her and what we are about... No reply yet, but I'm sure she'll have a lot to say.

Afternoon Nap

Yawn, I am feeling all dopey after taking an afternoon nap. I love that yawning, warm feeling as you wake up and wonder why the clock says 6pm and not 6am.

Spoilt Brat

My Mother is bringing over a hand made lasagne for me to eat. Yay! I am so spoilt by her and her lasagnes are lovely. I wonder whether it will be quorn or lamb?

More later my sugar coated chocolate mice

i had strange dreams last night, but am not in the mood to log them at present, though i've details scrawled upon blank page, waiting to be transformed into something other than random text. simply odd, they were, and the reasoning behind them escapes me.. though i can piece bits of my past days together to suggest why i might have dreamt such things.

this weekend promises to be at least somewhat "busy". i've to attend thanksgiving type stuff this coming monday, and the siblings have that day off as well, which is nothing short of highly annoying, but i can deal. my brother should be home as well for the first time since he went off to college.. hopefully, he is not mope-ish. (if you read this, take note, no mopeishness this weekend, mmkay?)

he leaves today for a while, not so long.. but then leaves once again this coming friday, and thusly, though i always miss him muchly, it will be a higher level of longing and whatnot for the next little while. november is coming so quickly, though, so quickly.. but still not quite fast enough. whoever said absence makes the heart grow fonder didn't have to wait months and months to see the most infinitely dreamy human alive. well, even if they were waiting for someone dreamy, they forgot to tack on the end part about it also causing much aching in said heart.. but i can deal.

i need to pick up my plane tickets already. yeesh. so annoying. parental figures slacking.

well, i'll slap more text here later. not really in the mood to ramble anymore. i just added one of those boring crappy crap daylogs, didn't i? oh well.
I just received some great news today. Instead of teaching the geology lab, I get to assist in teaching the field methods class next semester. This is the sweetest teaching assistantship in my department. This means I get to work only on Saturday next semester. This means I get to go camping in the Appalachian Mountains for spring break. This means I get to go to Durango, Colorado for senior field camp this summer. And I get paid to do it.

I am a happy camper.

Went to see the Cowboy Junkies last night. It was a really good show - Margo Timmins has an amazing voice. It's strange though - at one point in the evening, she was talking about how they are always written up as a sad, melancholy, depressing band. She said that for the most part, it was true, and that most of their songs were sad songs. She used this bit to introduce their "happy song", which is called Anniversary Song. Part of the song goes like this:

"...And I don't know how I survived those days
before I held your hand
Well I never thought that I would be the one
to admit that the moon and the sun
shine so much more brighter when
seen through two pairs of eyes than
when seen through just one

Have you ever seen a sight as beautiful
as a face in a crowd of people
that lights up just for you?

Have you ever felt more fresh or wonderful
as when you wake
by the side of that boy or girl
who has pledged their love to you?

Well I have known all these things
and the joys that they can bring
And now every morning there's a cup of coffee
and I wear your ring..."

Well, the one "happy song" made me sadder than all of the sad songs combined. The one line, " you wake by the side of that boy or girl who has pledged their love to you?" just about made me cry.

My friend L just got back from her honeymoon. (I wrote about this awhile back, I will try to find the day and link it.) I've been shopping with my younger sister for bridesmaid dresses for her wedding in the past little while. Dammit, is it ever going to be my turn?

When I get in a mood like I'm in today, sometimes I think I should just pack up and move back to my parents' place. What the hell is the point of living with him? He drives me crazy - couldn't clean up after himself to save his life, and he doesn't really know how to cook anything. No affection ever, unless he's horny. So I'm here to do the cooking, the cleaning, and to have sex with him. What the hell is the point of staying here? I don't think he ever wants to marry me.

This is so frustrating, staying in a relationship that you don't ever know if there's any point... Does he even want me here, or if he just too chicken to ask me to leave?

Well, I should wrap up my melancholy rambling anyways, before he gets out of the shower and sees me writing and asks what about.

I need to figure out where the hell my life is going.

Yay for E2 as therapy!!!

Another long day at the office. No breakfast today since the boss was in from 8.00am. Oh, he bought us dinner tonight, a hotdog from the local 1901 franchise. So it ends at about 9.00pm, by the time I arrive home it's already 10.30pm.

Then only I can login to E2 after cleaning up etc. :-(

My first vacation in almost 3 years.
But isn't college just a 4 year vacation?

I leave for Wisconsin tonight. As the typical routine when I go on vacation, I try to abandon almost all "luxuries" of modern life; cell phones, computers, PDA's, etc. They're more like curses than luxuries. I'll be happy to leave with only myself, a few days of clothing, and my Discman. I'm hoping to return with a bit more, and hopefully it won't be material possessions.

I've been talking to her more often. She's in the position I was in last year -- she doesn't know what to do, she's heartbroken. I want to let her know that I'm there for her. It's hard to say that, especially to a childhood friend who's grown distant. I've been trying to get her down here, our distance is only about a 10 minute train ride, but there's been no good opporunities.

Patience is a virtue. Good thing I have a seemingly overabundance of it.

One more class to attend, then I'm off for an indeterminate amount of time. Perhaps if I get lucky, I'll board the wrong flight, and end up in Tokyo, London, or Seattle. Maybe I'll get to leave everything behind. See how I can survive with a few hundred dollars in cash, a few days worth of clothing, and a will to see what this world is truly like.

Today I called my sister. Her voice sounded a bit more insecure than usual. We talked about our father. She cried, I didn’t know how to cheer her up. It felt bad.

It’s been exactly five years now since he died.
Five fucking years.

I still recall the morning he didn’t come home. I was a bit worried, but told myself not to be silly. Everything was gonna be all right.

8 A.M. - Doorbell.

When I opened the door, Sarah told me to sit down. Something terrible had happened. “Your father” she whispered. “He’s been shot.

Is he..

I swallowed hard.

Is he in the hospital?

She looked away.

No, Madelon. He’s dead.

The world collapsed. Everything went black. I still don’t remember what happened the weeks after. Can’t even recall his funeral.

October 6, 1995.
October 6, 2000.

Five years.
I wish my sister wouldn’t have cried over the phone today.

I wish my dad would still be alive.

Played alarm tag 3:30-5:30AM. After yesterday's moderate success at waking and getting to work early, I had hoped to repeat the performance, but no dice. Poor blood sugar management was part of the problem.
All week me and my QC lab associate have been struggling to adjust to Monday's 50% layoff. Today I had to cancel my lunch date with the receptionist at the last minute, since my associate had to attend a spontaneous meeting. The layoff also means more weekend overtime requirements, which I resent, even though I mostly just kill my leisure time.
One of my co-workers offered me his Pentium/166 when he finishes raiding it for components - I plan to run Debian on it. Drove the Shadow home, and immediately hopped a bus back to within a block of the factory. All the way across town, the crazy woman in the back of the bus chanted "put that shoulder down, you been bad", something about "a world of hurt", and rhymes of "father" and "bother". Picked up the Sundance, timing belt replaced and heater core de-sludged, and drove home again. Cleaned up trash scattered by possums or raccoons. Renewed domain registration, paid bills.
Dad moved into the Lyndhurst house yesterday; I look forward to having my spare room empty of his computer and filing cabinets.

Physics test... Boring presentation in German... nah, that much doesn't matter much to me, but this does...

12:30 AM EST (Well, technically tomorrow) -- Perl is my friend

A few days ago, my bro approached me with a request to make a Perl script to maintain one of the .inc (include) files for a TI-83 ASM program he was making.

Today, I finished it. Quite possibly the largest programming undertaking I have done yet. I am proud. I now know the true value of caffeine. I'd node the script, but it's a bit useless without the context of PaSTE's program. It'd just be NFN. My fault.

Later, if my bro approves of the damn thing, I might turn it into a web script... combine it with a Linux Z80 compiler, and I'll have one powerful program on my hands. I'm happy.

I'm so happy, I'm not gonna daylog anything else for today.

Today was moving day for the developers; we were, those of us who had personal stuff on our workstations, to save our files to Zip disks, where we could reload them on our permanent boxen (Zip drives for everyone, team!) in our corporate parent's digs. Someone had set up a portable drive for the afternoon, wonderfully located on the other side of the floor, so that I had to shuttle back and forth from here, to there, to the celebratory foodal spreads somewhere in between, while my zeroes and ones slooooowly made the trek from point A to point B. I'd tweaked my NT desktop and my XEmacs settings so much, and had too much code, PDFs, and apps installed (enough to force me to compress it all to fit onto a 100 MB disk) -- I didn't want to start from scratch on a new box.

We were located in Manhattan's financial district, about a block south of the NYSE, a place I hadn't been since childhood, and a dour, rushed contrast to the mix of Village funk (not fully gentrified... yet) and collegiate (NYU) vibe of our new neighborhood. There are few super-tall buildings to block the sunlight, no security checks and bomb-sniffing dogs, as one will sometimes see around the NYSE. The only thing I'll miss is the sudden barrages of free food -- someone would tap me on the shoulder, and point out the fresh arrival of Buffalo wings, or pizzas, or bagels and pastries, and I'd do the "Oh, not again!" thing.

So in the new digs, we have much more light, both of the overhead and the sunlight varieties, and much more space, no longer having to crowd three people into a cubicle that comfortably fits 1.7. Once the rearranging is done, I'll have my own nice-sized cubicle. Maybe. We're using Dell boxes of slightly-newer vintage than we were using, and mine doesn't seem to huff and puff after a few minutes like my temporary one; I managed to log in and play with it for a few minutes, though it hadn't really been set up yet (we were all there before the memo's offically-stated start date of October 9th, and the techs weren't finished). My Zip drive hasn't been installed yet, plus someone had to commandeer a chair for me from one of the other divisions. I noticed that my first name, according to the system, is Jennifer; some sort of mix-up, unless my name is Jennifer. /me checks the driver's license, one more time Everything -- Zip, chair, name, nameplate, etc. -- should be rectified by Monday. Maybe.

Today is the 69th birthday of Willie Mays. Say hey! (No, wait a minute. His birthday is May 6th. However, one of my nephews has a birthday today. Moral: don't node before downing that first cup of coffee.)

I read in the papers that the head of the Southeastern Legal Foundation, the group most famous for tenaciously championing the efforts to have Bubba disbarred, was arrested in a park in Atlanta. According to the New York Times account (buried several pages into the front section of the paper), the man was caught "fondling himself" by an undercover policeman, who himself was "fondled" by the man during the brief discussion that led to the arrest. The police blotter continues to be stranger than fiction.

Did you know? The name of the Bull Moose Party, founded by Theodore Roosevelt when he ran as a third-party candidate for the US presidency in 1912, came from a line that TR often tossed out in his speeches over the years: "I'm hung like a bull moose!" To this day, no one knows why he was so fond of saying that in his speeches.

At 2:00, I finished my Poetry exam. It went...kind of bad, I had forgotten what Extended figure meant. Other than that, I thought that it was very iffy as I did not know what to expect. It was the first evaluation that our Prof had given us. I have a feeling I didn't do well, but oh well. "I'll do better next time," he said with a tone of false hope. I was also intrusively interrupted by my cell phone. Luckily it was on vibrate and the person left a voicemail.

Checked my voicemail, turns out it was one of my friends who was having a party for a friend who's leaving for India. Unfortunately, I had other plans. Took the bus with a friend on our way back home. We talked about Geek stuff: everything2, the Signal 11 vs. CmdrTaco war, Linux...

Got home, was kind of depressed as always. Messenged one of my friends asking him where to meet downtown. He was going to pick me up, along with 2 other friends on a certain street. Checked the bus schedule and there I went again.

In the bus, I met another friend who was actually going to that going-away party. We talked about old times and our old crew and such... I missed her craziness. Turns out that we were going to get off at the same stop.

Got off, met up at the rendez-vous point with my friends and got to our destination.

We drank, wandered, played DDR, watched Anime (Vision of Escaflowne, Magic Knight Rayearth) and chilled. I hadn't gone out for quite awhile and it was nice to see this group of friends again. It was also nice to get drunk again, which I hadn't done in a long time as well.

My friend eventually drove me home as I slowly fell into a comfortable slumber.

"How nice."

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