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Or How The Vikings Brought Ramen Noodles To China

Chapter I
As Bjorn Questions Harald

Bjorn Bigface carried with him great doubt. His folkland king thrived on the honor set forth by his kinsmen. Bjorn held high respect in his clan, and at once called forth his kin to speak: "We know here the wise men who have earned our respect. Why do we follow under Harald when his blood stains so many swords?"

And Sven Flatstone spoke: "You question Harald? Have you some news of Harald's dishonor?"

And Bjorn, son of Helgi, responded in kind: "The noodle speaks on his accord!" The men remembered the Irish king, Rafartum and his daughter, he who was once Speaker-In-Law and oft mentioned these packs of egg-noodles. "I will, at once, let my desires be known. To the East we must go, for Harald's sword carries no edge!"

The men looked about in confusion. Sven, son of Thorunn an apple ate ponderously. They and their kin went to the East.

Chapter II
And Ships Were Built

After this meeting, Bjorn then married his niece, Hilga, and feasted greatly upon the shanks of animals held on his clan's holding. The meat was tough and heartening. One man, a Horagth of Thurmi, son of Gathnma, challenged the son of Helgi's honor, which earned him a glorious death as Bjorn's sword pierced his throat, spilling much blood. The cheers rose to the sky. And they left from their clanholdings to the East. Four women died of burning in the chest, two children were taken by wolves, a man died from sickness in the head and was taken to point by his kin. Bjorn son of Helgi and his woman then had two children who were called Bjorn, son of Bjorn, of the Eastwanderers and Ramen, son of Bjorn, of the Eastwanderers. And so a narrow strip of land was found to be fertile and it was good with many trees, many leagues from whence they had come. And so many longships were built from the trees, which were stout. Bjorn, son of Helgi, looked on with approval, having killed many deer to feed the men.

Chapter III
And They Crossed The Waters

And Bjorn Bigface took his ship and his clan across the great waters to the East. Whereon they met with the small men who lived there. Invoking the prowess of blade and loin, the men demanded tribute. The small men were slain in battle and now rest among the honored dead.

On this land the clan stayed for a great many days. And it was good.

Chapter IV
As Hilga Dies So The Gods Praise And Battle Begins

The small men who had once lived on the land Bjorn Bigface, son of Helgi, Leader-of-Clan, had taken in honorable battle shared not their knowledge of the great men who also the land occupied. They, the Ogres or They Who Do Not Fight With Honor And Had Green Skin And Some Had Tails But Not All, made attack on the Clan while the Clan slept or gathered in the great meeting hall for wine and deer meat. And Sven Flatstone called for action: "Bjorn Bigface, son of Helgi, Leader-of-Clan must act!" His son was called Jeraald.

And Bjorn said: "I will." And so he did. Though few weapons were left after so long. And so were gathered many eggs from chickens and other fowl who were kept by the men for feathering and meat. These eggs, with the ground wheat which was made a fine powder. These two were then added together and mixed to a paste, from which they were then fashioned into blades that would be baked near the roaring fires of the pit. And so were they fashioned into bricks of interwoven strings, for there was strength known in this pattern.

And Bjorn spoke: "All you assembled here shall fight with these, which I have now named for my son for he is strong for a child and when in hot water becomes not unlike a soup." Old age had befallen Hilga, so she had not gotten up by mid-day, and was early to bed. And when she came to the great hall, it was with a great assembly who would help her, for she was much revered. And she spoke: "I have seen you in battle, and we will win against They Who Do Not Fight With Honor And Had Green Skin And Some Had Tails But Not All. Odin aids us this day!" And she was dead. She now walks with Odin in Valhalla.

And then Sven spoke, for he was uncle to Ulnn, who was tall and wide of hip, and who also had with her many children in her brood, all strong and honorable: "Victory!" And the battle of Skorsjorld then began, also called the Ogre Battle, also called Sjorsko Gankksi and other names. And cheers rang from all those assembled, for the weapon of Ramen and the strength of Odin and Thor and Freyja and Loki and all others who lived in Asgard would aid them, as Hilga had said.

Chapter V
And So The War Was Prepared And Won

And so Bjorn and his kin gathered together in the Great Hall that was built from stout wood and sanctified with the glory of Odin and Thor and Freyja and Loki and all others who lived in Asgard. The men sharpened blades and stacked the weapon named for Ramen, son of Bjorn, into cubes of lightness and firmness, careful to keep them and the son of Bjorn out of hot water, and so they struck out against the Ogres.

Hrapp was the name of a man who travelled with the men and womenkin of Bjorn. He was the first to travel across the times and distances to Valhalla to join Hilgi and all the gods in the glory that is everlasting honor and battle. His head was removed by an Ogre with a hammer, the edges of which were very mussed with brain and blood and hair and teeth and other items belonging to Hrapp. Then fell Thoraiin, whose chest was made flat by the swinging of a tree trunk felled by the Ogres for this purpose. Thoraiin was overbearing to his neighbors and was broad-shouldered.

Bjorn the Elder speared many Ogres. He dipped his fingers in the blood of his foes and would mark his face with the blood to signify his prowess and honor in battle. And at the end of the day, the Ogres were all dead, slain by the might that is Bjornkind, as was told by Hilgi and the gods. "Victory!"

Chapter VI
And The Eastwanderers Continued To The East

It was about at this time when Bjorn gave his son Bjorn, whose beard was mighty and who was tall and handsome, to marry the daughter of Sven, Veleil The Wise, who was wise indeed, and also a powerful warrior as was shown in the Sjorsko Gankksi, and also a clever woman and goodly in strength of mind. The blood of many Ogres stained her breast as she took Sven to marriage bed. She then had a daughter who was called Hallgerd, and had red hair the color of the burning of the sun.

And then Sven spoke: "For as we have many crops and our children grow fattened and strong from our battles, must we continue to the Easterland?" And the men cheered, for men cheer when a man as Sven spoke. To which Bjorn the Elder then said: "To the East!" And the men cheered.

Chapter VII
And The Eastwanderers Reach Eastwander And Are Slaughtered

And so the honorable, blooded men, women, and children reached the land of Eastwander. The trees were thick and heavy. The natives greeted them not with a roasted hog nor with tankards of wine served by valiant women. And so Bjorn, son of Hilgi, said: "Plunder they who act as barbarians!" And the weapon named for his son was used again, though the Eastwanderpeople employed a tactic of hiding and shooting from great distance at great dishonor. And Sven wished for a bondswoman, though his pause brought a spear to his belly.

When all the honorable men and women and children were slain, the Eastwanderpeople looted their bodies, finding the bricks of Ramen and finding them good when brought to hot water and flavored with chicken. And one said: "Noodles!"

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