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This a recipe for when you have a bunch of potatoes, some parsnips, and you don't know what to do with either.



3 medium white potatoes

3 parsnips

1 medium onion

5 garlic cloves (chopped)


3 tablespoons butter

1/4 cup heavy cream

1 TEASPOON white pepper

oil for frying (olive or canola)


1. Peel potatoes and parsnips. Boil with garlic until soft.

2. Sauté onions until translucent (but not brown).

3. When all vegetables are done, mash together and as cream, butter, salt, and white pepper.

4. Eat.



The first time I tried this recipe, it had a funny taste. Maybe I added too much white pepper? I think that any white pepper is too much, really. I hate white pepper. White Pepper stole my lunchbox and called my dog names. Why, I remember when I was walking home from school and that little snot came up to me and told me, Betty, there's something on your shirt, but I didn't fall for that old trick, and I held my head high as I stalked away, only, late that might I took off my shirt and lo and behold there was a spot there. What do you make of that?

White Pepper is actually an ironic name. The kid was black. Well, is. I'm not sure where he is now. Probably went off to culinary school like he said he would and left me here in my kitchen, trying out recipes from the Internet, studiously ingnoring the whispers from Mary and her sister about how to cook well, because what do they know? Do they have kitchens, hidden somewhere on the 433rd floor or the 99th sub-basement? Were they cooks before they came here? They keep telling me to add more white pepper. Bah! Too many bad memories.

We were never friends. But we cooked food together. He said it was good. Just...good. He was taking culinary classes in high school by that point. I'd studiously avoided sending any demons in his direction. I hate to spill a good soup, after all. And his soup was excellent. And he said my soup was...good.

Better honesty than false praise, I suppose. 

Perhaps, someday when I have more time to dine out, I shall walk into a restaurant, and the meal shall be superb, and I shall give my compliments to the chef, and the chef will come out and it will be White Pepper, and I shall run from the restaurant without paying my bill, and he shall pay it, because he is a well-paid chef, and — who am I kidding? Chefs are not well-paid. They make good money by squeezing every drop they can out of their resources, not by being paid by some higher authority, unless it's a crummy chain restaurant that White Pepper would never work for anyway because I know he could never abide the things those companies do to their workers. Or at least, he could never abide being told to implement such policies. He'd probably be as stingy at his restaurant, but at least it would be him calling the shots, you see.

Anyway, the mashed parsnip and potato is okay. Not something to impress my old rival, but it's...okay.

What do you expect from parsnip? It's just a kind of boring carrot, anyway. 

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