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Some say that Paul the psychic octopus is the most interesting thing ever to happen in the history of football. This is of course totally untrue - he is the only interesting thing ever to happen in the history of the game.

Psychic Paul's routine is simple. In his aquarium in Oberhausen, Germany, two containers are placed in his tank containing snacks befitting an octopus, such as a mussel. Each has the flag of a football team in an international tournament. Paul swims down, his audience transfixed by his flailing tentacles, like an alien spectre descending from the dark outer reaches of space upon a defenseless world unprepared for what is to become of it. Supporters of the two teams wait with unbearable anticipation as the undersea invader approaches the boxes!

As he reaches the bottom, he spreads out his feelers between the two boxes. Some say he makes his choice based upon minor chemical differences on their surface. Others say as he touches them he psychically feels into the future of the two teams. Either way, the box he chooses has a good record of bearing the flag of the team which goes on to win the match he is predicting.

What could explain this supernatural phenomenon? Surely not blind chance. As of the time of writing, he correctly predicted all of Germany's World Cup games, including both of the teams losses to Serbia and Spain. His success has even earned him death threats from chefs in the losing nations, who have declared their intention to turn him into a tasty seafood dish.

So only two possibilities exist - either the underwater oracle is seeing into the future, or else is using his psychic powers in the present to control the matches and bring victory to his favoured team. Of course - out of these two possibilities, the first contravenes the laws of physics, whilst the second does not. Knowing the future breaks the law of causality, as what has happened in the past must determine what will happen in the future, not the other way round.

Which leads us to the inevitable conclusion that Paul's predictions must be determining the outcomes of the matches, whether through his awesome psychic powers, or just conceivably, because footballers are a superstitious bunch whose morale is raised or lowered by the random televised eating habits of a two year old cephalopod mollusk at SeaLife Aquarium in Oberhausen, Germany.

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