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(I posted this to a tennis forum, just for fun, a "troll," if you will, just to see how people would react. They did, wildly, and "All had fun" once they realized I was just making most of it (I did play a guy named Pete, and he did beat the heck out of me! Hence my "inspiration..." :))


I've been playing tennis for a while, and called up a guy who left a card at our local tennis club looking for new people to play with. I thought it'd be fun to play with someone new, and when I called him he seemed okay, so we set up a time to hit. I called him last week and we played just this morning.

He was there when I got there, and we shook hands and introduced ourselves. His name was "Pete," and he claimed he'd been playing tennis for a long time (3 years). We found a court and I went on my side, and noticed he'd gone to his but neither of us had any tennis balls (I called him to play, so I assumed he'd supply the balls). I nicely told him to open a can of balls, and he seemed surprised, but went back to his bag and dug out a used can. I didn't say anything, but, knowing what I do now, I should've.

We started off warming up, and that went alright, but he was over-hitting the ball a lot, and after a few shots I moved back until I was actually behind the baseline; his warm up shots were landing almost to the baseline sometimes! I asked him to take it easy, but it was almost like he didn't understand, and he hit a few that were more reasonable, but then went right back to pounding them. I decided this wasn't going to get any better, so I suggested we just start playing some games. He "protested" at first, apparently he wanted to "warm up" for, like, ten minutes or so, but I lied and told him I didn't have much time and he agreed to play a set. But I'm pretty sure he wasn't happy about it.

Anyway, I got all the balls and told him I'd like to serve first. Once again, he wanted to warm up some more, this time on his serve, and I had to remind him that my time to play was short and that I'd like to just start serving a game. For whatever reasons he didn't like this at all, and wanted to "spin" for the serve. I tried to tell him that it was okay, and we didn't need to "spin," I just preferred to serve. But he started insisting and I decided to let it go and we wound up "spinning" for the serve. He twisted his racquet all around and asked me "Up or down?" (like this meant something to me). I asked him what he meant and he just said "Up or down?" again, so I said "Up." He looked a the handle of his racquet and said "Nope, down," and asked me for the balls. I wanted to tell him again that I should serve, but this was getting weird, so I tossed him the balls and he took them, even though I'd made it perfectly clear that I wanted to serve. (I actually don't think he cared at all what I wanted to do).

So he serves, and the very first ball he hits he just BLASTS over the net RIGHT AT ME. The ball bounces up from the service box and I literally jump out of the way so I won't get hit! So there I am, waiting for a nice serve and this guy instead nails the ball, I have to jump out of the way, and when I get my bearings back, he's already walked over to the other side like he's going to serve again. Not only does he not say he's sorry, he wants me to go back to the fence to pick up the ball that HE creamed, and give it to him! I'm standing there, no doubt with my jaw dropped, and he just looks at me. Well, I get the ball and give it to him, but he doesn't seem grateful OR sorry, and he's waiting to serve again, like he's impatient that I'm not running over to receive! Not only this, but he TAKES THE POINT and calls out "15-Love" as he's getting ready to serve. I should've said something, but I didn't.

Well, the next serve is just like the first, and I'm getting riled by this time. But we keep playing and his "attack" continues. This time, though, I figure I'll just move to the backhand side because he's serving right down the middle and I'm having to jump out of the way or I just know I'm going to get hit. So I move to the backhand side and I'm waiting for his serve when, instead of serving it down the middle like the last two, he serves way over to the forehand side, where I couldn't reach it if I tried! I just let it go, and I expected him to serve again since I didn't even get to hit the ball. Instead, he walks to the ad court to serve the next point! He's just going to take that point when I didn't have a CHANCE to hit it! Well, by now I know where this is going so I tell him, nicely, that he needs to serve to my forehand (I return much better on that side), and not to hit it so hard. He gives me a look like he doesn't care a bit what "I" want, and to prove it he blasts another serve right to my BACKHAND side! I almost lost my temper, but I kept cool and told him, again, that I need him to serve to my forehand from now on. He doesn't care because he just tosses the balls over the net for me to serve, deciding that the game was his even though I didn't once hit the ball back over the net.

So, I put my "good sportsmanship" hat on, clam up, and serve. He's standing way back, behind the service line, and I waited a bit for him to come in, but he just stands there and finally shouts "Are you gonna serve?" So I hit a nice serve to him, with lots of net clearance and he looks surprised because he has to, of course, come scrambling in to get to it before it bounces twice. He winds up diving and hitting the ball up into the air and it goes long. I gave him my "I told you so" look, but he's lined up on the ad side waiting for another serve. This time he's smarter and he's come in a lot closer. So I hit another serve like before and he just comes up and POUNDS the ball back, and it bangs over in the corner where I can't get it. I'm standing there, not knowing what to think, and he's over there looking proud of himself. I decide "Enough of this," and I walk over to the deuce side, announce the score ("30-Love") and just as I'm serving he asks me what the score was. I tell him again, and he says that his last ball was good. I know that it landed in, but the way he hit it kept me from doing anything with the ball, so why should I just give him the point? He starts arguing about the score, and I figure it's not worth it and give in to 15-15. He doesn't even seem satisfied with that, and he stares at me for a while and then shakes his head and gets ready to return. So, I serve and he tries it again -- runs in and pounds the heck out of the ball -- but this time it caught the tape and bounced up and landed so I could hit it. I hit a really sweet shot down the middle and was surprised to see he'd run back, way behind the baseline again. Of course he had to come running in like mad to get to my ball, and instead of hitting it back to me, he hit it at an angle that put it way over to the forehand side. It almost hit the line, and I had to run really hard just to get to it. But I did get it, and hit another nice shot, and got ready for his return. However, when I looked up he was right up by the net, and when my ball came over he didn't even wait for it to bounce, and he hit it while it was still in the air, and intentionally (I'm sure of this) hit it to the OTHER side of the court AWAY from me! He completely ignored where I was and hit it so I couldn't even reach it. I'm sure of this.

I'm not a quitter, but this wasn't "tennis." I don't know what this was, but it was like he was trying to keep me from hitting the ball back. And I guess I was mad because (to my surprise!) I gave him QUITE a piece of my mind, and he just stood there with a funny look on his face. After I told him off he blinked a couple of times and (I can laugh at this now) said "Are you nuts? What ARE you talking about? What's the MATTER with you?!" Yeah, right, like I'm the one who's crazy! I didn't bother to say anything back, and I just picked up my gear and left. He shouted some insulting things but I just ignored him.

Some people are just poor sports. :)

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