Pop music is irrefutable proof that there is in fact a Hell

Pop music is evil; there's no denying that. And how Teenie-Boppers can sit and listen to the same song with the same high pitched screechy voice is beyond me. I think the reason kids listen to this stuff is because satan has control over them.

Here's how it is:
Satan got control over one weak-minded little, popular girl. She told her friends that this music was good, and since she was popular, boom, IT became popular too. Now all those people who think it was popular, tell tehir friends it's popular, and just like an epidemic, it spreads itself across the world.

Now, you're thinking "Ok, so satan got kids to like this music, so what?" Here's the catch: Satan gave all these pop artists their power and fame in excange for their souls. It's true.. I.. read it somewhere.. yeah!

Anyway.. Now that more and more children are being sucked into this sick game the devil's playing, he's gradually changing the feel of the music to love and heart-break to mass destruction and death. Children will change their feeling too and become violent, and chaos will reign supreme! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Ok.. and back to the whole Hell thing, if there is a satan (which there is because how else would such crappy music attract so many followers), he has to live someplace, and that place is hell.

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Pop music proves that there is in fact a hell because of one factor: Britney Spears's boobs. It's obvious that she made a deal with the devil in which she sold her soul for gigantic tits and a flat stomach, allowing her the benefits of people talking about her body (thus creating a buzz, this increasing album sales) and still being able to deny having breast implants. Other pop artists, following Britney's lead, made pacts with the devil to advance their careers as well. The Backstreet Boys sold their collective souls for the devil to create their "Larger than Life" video. N*Sync sold their souls in order to keep their album, No Strings Attached, on the Billboard charts for a small eternity.

This has to be the truth. How else do you explain such mediocre acts who don't even write their own songs selling millions of albums and performing to sold-out crowds?

But you may ask, "What does the devil have to gain from all of this?" The answer is simple...when said pop stars die and go to hell, the devil will demand peformances from them to torture the souls of the damned throughout eternity with off-key harmonies, corny lyrics, and bad dancing.

Pop music does indeed prove there is a hell.

And I can prove that!.

I happen to have here with me a little ditty by a jail-bait "artist" who is overly impressed with her musical abilities.

Note to pop-starlets everwhere: One album is not impressive. Dark Side of the Moon was on the charts longer than you've been alive, child.

What I have here is a mp3.
Yes, an illegal one, smartass.
This mp3 is a cover of the Rolling Stones classic "{I can't get no)Satisfaction". This is one of the most famous songs in the history of music. This is a classic of the most exacting nature, something that everyone in the world recognizes as a feat of astounding musical genius. No sane person can say that they do not like the Rolling Stones performing "Satisfation".

Then let's play the song, shall we?

Yes, that is a synthisized beat. Probably from sort sort of cheap bought-at-Target Casio.

Wait for it... Wait for it... Yes! You're Right! It is Britney Spears singing "Satisfaction"!

Some soulless demon has convinced an otherwise talentless bimbo to cover one of the greatest songs of all time for the sole purpose of tourturing the rest of us. There is no other reason.

The spawns of hell have given us "Satisfaction" by Britney Spears.

Proof that there is a hell.

New Kids on the Block. Yanni. The Backstreet Boys. Kenny G. Mr. G. Wait, not him, he's a weatherman. Britney Spears. Christina Aguilera. N'Sync. Jessica Simpson. Jennifer Lopez. JOHN TESH.

Sometimes I think that "Weird Al" Yankovic is going to be the only musician allowed into Heaven.