Porn In Hamlet

Shakespeare was indeed a naughty little bugger. References to porn, more or less subtle, are found in all of his works. But what greater work than Hamlet! And, indeed, some of Shakespeare's best porn can be found here.

Right at the start, Shakespeare comes off with a resounding innuendo:

BERNARDO: Say,
          What, is Horatio there?
HORATIO:  A piece of him.

I, i, 18

Then things get right steamy, with Ophelia's decription of sex in the closet:

OPHELIA:  My lord, as I was sewing in my closet,
          Lord Hamlet, with his doublet all unbraced;
          No hat upon his head; his stockings foul'd,
          Ungarter'd, and down-gyved to his ankle;
          Pale as his shirt; his knees knocking each other;
          And with a look so piteous in purport
          As if he had been loosed out of hell
          To speak of horrors, he comes before me.

As if that was not enough, Ophelia continues with her graphic descriptions:

OPHELIA: He took me by the wrist and held me hard;
         Then goes he to the length of all his arm;
         And, with his other hand thus o'er his brow,
         He falls to such perusal of my face
         As he would draw it. Long stay'd he so;
         At last, a little shaking of mine arm
         And thrice his head thus waving up and down,
         He raised a sigh so piteous and profound
         As it did seem to shatter all his bulk
         And end his being: that done, he lets me go;

II, i, 76-83, 86-95

During Hamlet's famous soliloquy (To be, or not to be...), it is not too well known, but Ophelia is actually tossing him off under the table. This can be seen by little references he makes to her, that are out of context with what he is currently saying:

ay, there's the rub

III, i, 65

And then, after he is done:

Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.

III, i, 88-89

And just when you thought things couldn't possibly get any worse:

GUILDENSTERN: O, my lord, if my duty be too bold, my love is too unmannerly.
HAMLET: I do not well understand that. Will you play upon this pipe?

III, ii, 322-325

And let's not forget all the erection jokes from the gatekeeper in Macbeth. Or the snake charmer in Anthony and Cleopatra just as Cleopatra's dying. Monumentally inappropriate.

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A later addition, which expands on the quote that Tiefling gives below from Act III Scene ii, as he's cut out one of the choicer bits of innuendo:

Hamlet Lady, shall I lie in your lap?

Ophelia No, my lord.

Hamlet I mean, my head upon your lap?

Ophelia Ay, my lord.

Hamlet Do you think I meant country matters?

Ophelia I think nothing, my lord.

Hamlet That’s a fair thought to lie between maid’s legs.

Dr. Hilary Michealmas in her Novel Note on the play comments that 'country matters' was a common pun in Shakespeare's day, with obviously the first syllable being stressed to make the joke. It seems to still be current, surviving no doubt with the help of the Bard's enduring reputation. For example, Guardian critic Michael Billington used it in a review of the play 'Humble Boy', itself in part a reworking of Hamlet.

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Ref: http://www.collegeclub.com/academics/novelnotes/notes.asp?nn=Hamlet&action=quotes

http://www.guardian.co.uk/reviews/story/0,3604,534758,00.html

HAMLET: Lady, shall I lie in your lap?
Lying down at OPHELIA's feet

OPHELIA: No, my lord.

HAMLET: I mean, my head upon your lap?

OPHELIA: Ay, my lord.

...

HAMLET: That's a fair thought to lie between maids' legs.

OPHELIA: What is, my lord?

HAMLET: Nothing.

OPHELIA: You are merry, my lord.

HAMLET: Who, I?

OPHELIA: Ay, my lord.

All from Act 3, Scene 2.

Act 2, Scene 2:

HAMLET: 	My excellent good friends! How dost thou,
		Guildenstern? Ah, Rosencrantz! Good lads, how do ye both?

ROSENCRANTZ:	As the indifferent children of the earth.

GUILDENSTERN:	Happy, in that we are not over-happy;
		On fortune's cap we are not the very button.

HAMLET:		Nor the soles of her shoe?

ROSENCRANTZ:	Neither, my lord.

HAMLET:		Then you live about her waist, or in the middle of
		her favours?

GUILDENSTERN:	'Faith, her privates we.

HAMLET:		In the secret parts of fortune? O, most true; she
		is a strumpet.

As an explanatory note to tiefling's writeup, "nothing" was slang in Shakespeare's time for vagina. This will help you to appreciate the joke in the exchange between Hamlet and Ophelia, and indeed to get a full sense of how deeply smutty some of Shakespeare's wordplay can be.

    We have to keep in mind that in Shakespeare's times theatre was not as it is today - while he performed with a troupe before an audience, less moralistic companies allowed the audience to... uhmm. Participate. Only towards the nineteenth century did we move to fully observational theatre as we know it today.
    If one looks closely, only the upper-class affairs were tightly regulated during the Elizabethan Era, the commoners were as dirty as ever. Sexual performances were not uncommon, and because of church law young boys had to play the roles of women. A good example of this is found in the beginning of Rosenkrantz and Guildentein are dead, where the protagonists run into a traveling troupe inviting them to partake in a 'play' featuring a small boy dressed as a woman.

So, in comparison, Shakespeare was clean as a whistle - and therefore allowed to perform for the queen.