Recently, and this is no joke, I was asked to speak before the Conference of Professional Camp Counselors in Aardvark, New Jersey. I was not the keynote speaker, mind you. I don't think I could handle that much pressure. My clit was already wiggling a wild one over speaking in front of these people at all.

The Edgar Winter Group, which owns and operates the companies that supply summer camps with food, blankets, electricity, and so forth, was something I was asked to speak about. It seems that the Conference leaders are forming a focus group later to discuss potentially changing vendors. I was being asked to speak in favor of keeping the Edgar Winter Group, and its affiliates, as our vendor.

One of the things I touched on first is that the Edgar Winter Group is known to be operated by an organized crime family. This is, of course, different than white collar crime, which is victimless and should be leagalized. I warned the attendees at the conference that if we attempted to source from another vendor, there could be trouble, including broken kneecaps and excessive gunplay in the streets. I've seen many movies. I know how it all goes down.

This was not going to be enough to sway my audience. Many of them had accepted bribes, which are victimless and should be legalized, to push for various vendors. I had no argument there. They were speaking the truth. I had to use a tactic that I call ham reduction.

To understand ham reduction, you have to understand how electricty works. Then you must acquire a ham. Say after me, "I must acquire a ham." To make sure that you don't forget, I would like very, very, very much if you would go to your nearest grocery store and walk around saying, "I must acquire a ham," in a robotic monotone. Message me later to tell me all about it. I care, sweetie. I really do.

Now, get a large pot, one big enough to fit your ham into. If you don't know what ham is, then fuck you. Don't be ridiculous. I didn't say you didn't like ham. That is fine. I'm talking about not even knowing what a ham is. Are you a mental case or something? Wow. Intense shit right there.

Put the ham in the pot. I said, put the ham in the pot. Now! Then, fill the pot with water, put it on the stove, and turn that sucker up to eleven. Cook the absolute bloody fuck out of that goddamned ham. It will shrink the ham up like you wouldn't believe. Go ahead, try it, but turn the burner on first and wait until it gets hot enough. Press the palm of your primary hand onto the burner and hold it there. If you scream, it is hot enough. Now, put the pot on the burner and cook.

Now, that is how ham reduction actually works, but we are using it as a metaphor here. Let's move on.

Over here, we have a beautiful work by Rembrandt von Hauser called Days of Spring Glory. Such a beautiful painting. Lush with color and the vibrancy of early spring. Let's move on.

In my speech to the Conference of Professional Camp Counselors, I said, "I don't know how many of you get off to ham reduction, but I am going to use it as a metaphor to frame my forthcoming argument. Write that down in your little notebooks if you think you might need to remember later."

A bunch of those motherfuckers started scribbling in their notebooks. I was just making a joke. These people, god, they are those millenia kids or whatever. Camp Counselors used to be brighter (and better hung - I sampled a few of the newbies, sweet but teeny weenies) in my day. I guess that is just the decline of society which falls squarely on the shoulders of that Obama fellow and whatever he did that they are always talking about on the news channel this extremely well hung Navy chaplain that I do whenever he comes into port watches. And believe you me, he comes into port, no doubt about that. No Doubt is a band. You can look that shit up.

What I knew that I needed to do was to simplify things for these youngsters due to poor education and upbringing, which is also apparently Obama's fault. I really don't know. I watch movies and television shows, not the news. The last news story I saw was when the Challenger blew up and I went driving around trying to see if I could find that lady astronaut's body, in case it fell nearby. Didn't see it. Found another body, though. It was a dog. Very sad. Dog dying out in the woods by himself. He looked old. One of his ears was bitten off. Then I saw he had a collar and a tag on it. The tag was shaped like a heart and it said "Billy loves Ruff Ruff." Broke my heart. Let's move on.

Keeping the same vendor is key to maintaining compliance with regulations. Do these other companies comply with regulations? Have you asked the regulators? Do you even know who they are? I once went to this theme park and I had no idea who these people were. Turned out it was some kind of carnival of the damned. I got out of there real quick.

There are some examples of ham reduction. If you strive to become a ham reductionist, vote to keep the Edgar Winter Group as our sole supplier for all our camp needs. Thank you and please drive safely.


Promotional consideration given to the Estelle Williams Holiday Trust

and the Edgar Winter Group

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