I don't know how. That's why I'm asking.
See, I've seen any number of nodes discussing the symptoms and effects
of anorexia, and I've read several moving horror stories from people who
starved themselves practically unto death. So I understand
that anorexia is a serious and potentially fatal disorder. That's why I
want to know how to keep someone from developing this problem in the first
place.
I'm asking because I'm worried that a friend of mine might be developing an eating disorder. She's
25 years old, 5'7", 145 pounds--not scrawny, but not obese by any
stretch of the imagination. She has broad shoulders and hips (as do most
of the women in her family) and she's fairly muscular, so
she's probably at or close to her healthy weight (her minimum weight at
this height was 130, I think, at some point early in high school).
To my eyes, she looks fine. In fact,
she's beautiful, and I've told her so. Not necessarily when she's
openly worrying about her weight, but at other times, too. But she's not
happy. According to her, she's pear-shaped, she's got a fatroll, she's got flabby thighs. It's nonsense...but
it's what she thinks.
I really started worrying earlier this summer. We'd be driving around
town, and all of a sudden she'd call my attention to a girl walking on the
sidewalk. "Look at how thin she is!" she'd say, aghast, and
she'd stare as we drove by. Usually it'd turn out to be a 13-year-old
with twigs for legs--the sort of girl who happened to grow upwards
before growing out. I said to her that this was silly--she was comparing
herself to a girl who was not yet done growing. She sounded like she
understood...sort of.
About a month ago, she mentioned that her weight fluctuates a lot. She gets herself down to a low weight, experiences insatiable cravings,
eats tons of ice cream and cake and other fattening stuff, gains weight,
hates the way she looks, then goes on a moderate diet until she slims
down again. This isn't healthy.
Then, a few weeks ago, a bunch of us were picking fresh raspberries
at a farm near my house. A few of us overindulged and ended up with
gastrointestinal troubles that forced us to spend lots of time
running back and forth to the toilet. Most of us were feeling pretty
awful (and stupid, too), but not her. She was happy! She was down to 134
pounds, her lowest weight since she entered college. She said she'd lost
the little fatroll that she'd had for years. She just stood in front of
the mirror and smiled.
That scared me. She's ill, she's lost substantial amounts of water and
nutrients, she's light-headed, but she's smiling and happy because she
lost a few pounds--pounds that she'll quickly gain back when she rehydrates herself. In my more paranoid moments, I envision wheels
turning in her head: "Diarrhea...good body. Diarrhea...good body.
Hmm...."
So what can someone do in this situation?
I realize it's hard to give advice about people you don't know, and I
don't want this to turn into a long GTKY node. I'm looking for
generalities, if any exist. What should I say? What shouldn't I
say? What are the ways in which well-intentioned people go wrong?
I'm starting a healthy, doctor-supervised diet soon (there's
some obesity and heart trouble in my family, and after
watching my dad's struggles, I'd rather not put on the weight in the first
place). She's expressed some interest in starting one too, and I'd be
happy to have her join me (subject to doctor supervision, too) so that she
wouldn't fluctuate so much. Of course, a diet might be exactly the wrong thing at this time...but maybe it'd be a way to stabilize her diet while
getting her under a doctor's eye.
So I'd be happy to hear any helpful advice.
To that end, let me point out that some responses that aren't helpful.
Please do not tell me any of the following:
"How awful! I hope you find help! Of course, I can't possibly
relate--I'm 5'7", 110 pounds, and a size 1 model!" Spare me.
"The prevalence of anorexia can only be alleviated by a
thoroughgoing shift in the male-female gender/sex dynamic paradigm that
results in the utter eradication of the patriarchial objectifying society
that we..." Spare me this, too. I know that we should try to reduce
the pressure that society puts on women. I'm looking for something I can
do for this person--today.
"You pig! You node about porn! You're undoubtedly responsible for
the distortion of her body image!" I do node about porn--and if you
read those nodes, you'll see that I don't like a lot of
it. I have very little porn in my house (most of what I do have is better
considered erotica) and I don't leave it lying about where women can see
it (that would be disrespectful). Whatever you may think about my
reading habits, she is still my friend and may still need assistance.
"You idiot! You said the worst thing you could possibly say. Men
don't understand anything." Actually, you can tell me this if you
tell me what I did wrong, why it was wrong, and how I could do better.
Knee-jerk man-bashing is unhelpful.
"Dear KNB: Make sure she gets help. Signed,
Random Noder." Thanks. I know she might need help. That's why
I'm asking. How can I help her? What sort of help does she need? What options are available? What resources are out there?
What can I do when she doesn't have much of a problem yet?