Below is a partial transcript of a six-minute telephone conversation between Prince Charles, who is the next in line for the English throne, and his long-time love, a woman named Camilla Parker Bowles. It was purportedly taken from a recording made on December 18th 1989 by someone using a scanner, which is a device used for eavesdropping on conversations made from mobile phones.
Some people think the circumstances of its recording sound a little unlikely, and there have always been rumors of the involvement of the British Secret Service department MI5. The most persistent rumor is that the conversation was actually recorded by MI5 in the course of their routine surveillance of Palace communications, and re-broadcast by them on multiple occasions until eventually it was picked up an individual and publicized. Those who subscribe to this view say that MI5 did it to discredit the Prince, whom they regard as dangerously moderate (or unstable, or insane; take your pick).
There are also persistent rumors that 27 more such tapes are stashed away in the MI5 vaults. If this is true, then perhaps there was some kind of 'editorial decision' regarding which one to re-broadcast. Perhaps this one was the funniest, or least flattering. Or perhaps the others were too graphic to allow any hopes of them gaining exposure in the popular press.
As it was, this transcript was first published in Australia, in a magazine called 'New Idea', and subsequently in Germany, Italy, Switzerland, Ireland, and America. It was eventually taken up in England by David Sullivan's bizarre Daily Sport 'newspaper', prompting a flurry of faxes of copies of the transcript which permeated every level of Government and the business community.
Finally, the Sunday Mirror and Sunday People tabloids, who had almost certainly been waiting to see if any of the smaller publications would be served with a lawsuit for publishing the transcript, 'bravely' printed the entire thing on 17th January 1993, making it available to their combined circulation of millions of Britons. Both Charles and Camilla were still married at that time, Camilla to a stoic, stiff-upper-lip, uncomplaining brigadier, and Charles to his 'fairytale' bride, Diana. Predictably, the British tabloid press dubbed the incident Camillagate (after Watergate).
Charles: He was a bit anxious actually
Camilla: Was he?
Charles: He thought he might of gone too far.
Camilla: Ah well.
Charles: Anyway you know that's the sort of thing one has to beware of. And sort of feel one's way along with - if you know what I mean.
Camilla: Mmmm. You're awfully good feeling your way along.
Charles: Oh Stop! I want to feel my way along you, all over you and up and down you and in and out...
Camilla: Oh!
Charles: Particularly in and out!
Camilla: Oh. that's just what I need at the moment.
Charles: Is it?
Camilla: I know it would revive me. I can't bear a Sunday night without you.
Charles: Oh, God.
Camilla: It's like that programme Start the Week. I can't start the week without you.
Charles: I fill up your tank!
Camilla: Yes, you do
Charles: Then you can cope.
Camilla: Then I'm all right
Charles: What about me? The trouble is I need you several times a week.
Camilla: Mmmm, so do I. I need you all the week. All the time.
Charles: Oh. God. I'll just live inside your trousers or something. It would be much easier!
Camilla: (laughing) What are you going to turn into, a pair of knickers?
(Both laugh)
Camilla: Oh, You're going to come back as a pair of knickers.
Charles: Or, God forbid a Tampax. Just my luck! (Laughs)
Camilla: You are a complete idiot (Laughs) Oh, what a wonderful idea.
Charles: My luck to be chucked down the lavatory and go on and on forever swirling round on the top, never going down.
Camilla: (Laughing) Oh, Darling!
Charles: Until the next one comes through.
Camilla: Oh, perhaps you could come back as a box.
Charles: What sort of box?
Camilla: A box of Tampax, so you could just keep going.
Charles: That's true.
Camilla: Repeating yourself...(Laughing) Oh, darling I just want you now.
Charles: Do You?
Camilla: Mmmmm
Charles: So do I!
Much of the subsequent conversation consists of arrangements to meet surreptitiously, followed by a long exchange of declarations of love and goodnights. The transcript ends thus:
Camilla: Bye, Press the button.
Charles: Going to press the tit.
Camilla: All right darling, I wish you were pressing mine.
Charles: God, I wish I was, harder and harder.
Camilla: Oh, darling.
Charles: Night.
Camilla: Night.
Charles: Love you.
Camilla: (Yawning) Love you. Press the tit.
Charles: Adore you. Night.
Camilla: Night.
Charles: Night.
Camilla: (Blows a kiss)
Charles: Night.
Camilla: G'night my darling, Love you.
Main source and further reading:
The entire transcript is available at http://aca-vnt.mcc.ac.uk/ScrapBook/camillagate.htm
I fill up your tank!