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"E2 won't be worth anything until we start including hardcore pornography in the database." -Excalibre

As a male I’ve seen my fair share of porn, and even if you don’t believe me I’m going to tell you right now that I don’t own much of it. You see, I have some serious problems with porn. Not problems in a moral sense (I’m no prude), nor problems with expense, because in this wide open area called the internet, porn can be obtained for free. There’s no need to pay for anything that you don’t want to.

So what are my problems with porn? Why don’t I like it? There are several reason all of which I will gladly share with you. Later if you regret reading this you can rinse your eyeballs out with soap wishing all the while that instead of your eyeball it is my tongue getting the rinsing.

Ho Ho Ho. Bag o’ Ho

People in porn are very strange looking. None of the women look real. Now, I don’t know if it is the all the makeup, or if they are just strange looking to begin with, but there is something not right about the way they look. Their breasts might be the determining factor because most of them are fake, but most everyone in and around Hollywood have fake breasts so that shouldn’t strike me as odd. Or maybe it should. I like natural breasts, they look better. Breast jobs say to me either one of two things: Either the woman wasn’t happy with the way they were made originally and has self esteem issues, a trait that is very unattractive, or that they are aspiring to be in a porn film.

The men in porn are strange too. I would think that in casting a porn film I would want everybody in it to be as aesthetically pleasing as possible and yet most of the men are young twenty-five to thirty with terrible spiked hair and contorted features or forty plus hideous-oids with beer guts and three day old beards. Terrible shit.

Are we there yet?

So, every once and awhile you’ll be watching a porn and be fluctuating between bored and semi-aroused and the jolly old folks on the screen with be humping away with all the usual over exaggerated moans and grunts and the woman will stop and look at the camera as if to say, “Are we done yet?”. WTF mate. Nothing like breaking the illusion. Here we have a woman screaming “Oh, God, Fuck me harder!” I’d like to believe that the sentiment is real but that is hard to do when she gives the camera, and by way of the camera the audience, the most bored look in the world. Just another day at the office, can’t wait to go home.

Condominiums

It’s nice to know that in porn world they are interested in keep their stars VD free, but honestly, I don’t like seeing condoms in porn flicks. It’s not a biggie, but it is distracting. Here is a guy who is shoving a woman’s head down on his penis as hard as he can, but he cares enough to cover his member with the proper prophylactic. It’s good that he cares.

This sort of thing sends the viewer mixed messages. On one hand we have a woman being brutally sodomized, but at least she is practicing safe sex.

Being objective

Women are treated as objects in porn and that’s fine, I suppose, because they are getting paid at the end of the day and if they can live with being filmed every other week with come on their faces, fine by me. I fully understand why other guys could get off to this too. My problem is that I can’t. There is nothing appealing about watching three guys come on a woman’s face and tits.

Blowflies look like Houseflies

To receive a blow job is divine, to watch another man receive one and then pull out at the last second, finish himself off with a few strokes so he can come all over a woman’s face, is a nifty, neat, and gnarly way to see more cock than I ever wanted to. Straight porn has an unusual obsession with penis. Mostly, the penis is used as a tool to degrade women, but I find it odd that the sort of guy who watches porn, and I mean really watches, is the same sort of guy who will deny vehemently that he is gay and is generally a homophobe. Yet this same guy will watch penis all day long as long as that penis is splashing white cream filling all over some lady’s chest.

Booby rubs one out

All of the above I can understand by reasoning it out. What I can’t reason out is the boob “job”. A man places his penis between a woman’s tits and she moves ‘em up and down until he comes.

Okay.

Bouncing boobs = good.

Seeing somebody’s penis = bad.

Boob + Penis = I don’t care.

Cum versus Come

Come is the term for orgasm, come is the term for semen. Cum is another word as in magna cum laude. A minor pet peeve and one that probably only bothers English majors such as myself.


Onward and Upward

But as strange and bizarre as porn is it pales next to the travesty that is erotic fiction. Ever read any? Go to www.asstr.org.

Back? Okay, good.

Cock hungry virgin slut

Or breaking character. The cock hungry virgin slut is the girl who is portrayed as the Innocent Catholic School Girl or some other Innocent girl ranging from age thirteen to twenty-one. She is generally shy and nervous and has never done anything with a guy before. Yet, amazingly, she gives him the most amazing blow job he’s ever had usually by chapter four, and when she is having sex for the first time is prone to yelling things like, “Fuck me harder, Dannnnnnnnnny!!!”

Words can damage, Words can hurt

The prose in erotic fiction fluctuates from bad to extremely bad. The main problem is tense; some stories have terrible problems with past and present tense often switching within a single sentence. This makes them irritating to read.

Absurdity rules the day

Cousins swimming together, teachers teaching students, girls taking revenge on boys who have wronged them, coworkers stuck in elevators, bosses extorting secretaries, horny police women, it’s all there. If you’ve seen the plumber come to the door to fix a lady’s pipes you know exactly what I’m talking about.

What’s in a name?

Everybody in erotic fiction has a name. If there is an uncle, his name is Bob. The young boy will always be Bobby or Danny and he will always have a naughty teacher. The prudish girl who none-the-less turns out to be the virgin sex master will have a name like Caroline. Often times every female lead in every story will have the name Caroline. In fact, I believe Caroline to be the most often used female name in erotic fiction.


If all of the above makes me seem squeamish, then I will deny my squeamishness until my dying day. I gave every porno I ever saw a chance. But at least it isn’t as bad as most commercials on television. That stuff is filth, so is most television, actually.

BookReader is L-thirty-three-T. H3 h4x0rd th3 pr0n m0st m1ght11y.

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