"Give a man a fish, and I will steal that fish, and beat the living shit out of him with it." -Randy Puma
"Randy" Randy Puma was one of the meanest motherfuckers the world has ever seen. His patented "Randy Quad" move was so devastating that to this day, twenty three of his opponents still cannot walk. His legendary "Shit in a Pit" match at BRAWLBURQUERQUE '88 was so traumatizing, three fans dropped dead before the brawl was over, and fourteen more would eventually die from asphyxiation. Even his musical endeavors, such as "All I Wanna Do (Is You)" were so bad as to be used as torture at Guantanamo Bay. In fact, Mr. Puma has toured Camp X-Ray on several occasions, performing for those stationed there, and in return, being allowed to torture those accused of being operatives for Al-Qaeda.
The previous article is full of errors and omissions about Mr. Puma, going so far as to say that he never played professional football, and even whitewashing the true nature of his relationship with Alfie Till. This node is presented to set the record straight on Mr. Puma.
Although most sources concur that Randall Stanislaw Pumansczkowicz, Jr. was born in Argentina on July 24, reports conflict as to where and when he was born. While in his autobiography Singing For My Suplex Puma claims to have been born in 1961, his Argentinian passport states his birth to have taken place in 1957, and instead of being born in the village of Lonco Vaca, his birth certificate clearly states he was born on the other side of the country, near Bahia Blanca. His education is also suspect; while he states that he was not able to speak fluent Spanish or even "write good English" until his thirties, Puma is rumored to have been trained at the infamous School of the Americas. Legend has it that while holed up in the Panama Canal Zone, Puma started to lift weights, and took home fourth place in the 1978 Mr. Latin America bodybuilding competition. Some who claim to have witnessed this competition say that only four people took part, and Mr. Pumansczkwicz's frame carried a lot more bulk than the eventual winner, Alfredo Tillagstein. After the event, Puma befriended "Till", and eventually left Latin America for The Real America with Till. Figuring the best way to get an education would be through the American university system, the two enrolled at Beltrami College in Roosevelt Township, Minnesota.
As a twenty-four year old walk-on linebacker in 1981, Puma recored a mythical Upper Middle Midwest Conference record eighteen sacks in one game versus Border State, and finished with an outstanding seventy-one sacks in just twenty-three games. Unfortunately, Beltrami College lost its accrediation just after the Wolverines won the 1982 UMMC Title (in a game where Puma made thirteen sacks and forced eleven fumbles, leading to the only "double double" in college football history. His academic transcripts null and void, Puma tried out for the Philadelphia Eagles, but wound up in the upstart United States Football League. The Bronx Bombers signed Puma, but changed ownership and moved to Oklahoma City before play even began. As an Oklahoma City Bomber, Randy Puma averaged three sacks a game in 1983, and four sacks a game the next year. However, Puma didn't read the fine print of his two year, $4 million contract (which was to be paid over twenty years), and his extravagant lifestyle got the better of him. In desperate need of money, Puma agreed to try out for the Western Atlantic Wrestling Association (WAWA), and made his pro wrestling debut on his twenty-seventh birthday.
Puma's entry into professional wrestling was inauspicious to say the least. Working as a babyface, Randy never took time to practice nor did he follow any script. That being the case, he lost the majority of fights he was supposed to win, for breaking the limbs of your opponents and THEN bodyslamming them was not legalized in the WAWA until early 1985. This, the "Randy Puma Rule", was one of many innovations that came to what was now known as the World American Wrestling Association, thanks to the foresight of new owner Werner "Frenchy" Mamagorian, Jr. "Frenchy", or "Mammy" as Puma called him knew that Puma would be big, and retooled him as a bad-ass with a heart of gold, given to him by the spunky Nazi doctor Kid Mengele.
Other changes soon followed for Puma. He decided not to re-sign with the Bombers when they moved to Kansas City in 1985, and focused his career in wrestling. Also around this time, his partnership with Till was in full bloom, and Alfie encouraged him to come out of the closet, but the conservative climate of the 80's precluded such ideas, especially after the disastrous stint of The Iron Mincer. Puma's close ties to the star of the Broadway musical "Small Wonder" did raise some eyebrows, though. In 1987, Frenchy Mamagorian hired Audrey Chen, a swimsuit model of Hawaiian and Korean ancestry, to beard for Puma, and to appear as his manager, under the name Reiko Noto.
By 1988, Pumaphilia was at its peak, with Randy as the main face of WAWA's "Splatterday Night Live". Pay-Per-View events such as "RASS-A-CHUSETTS!", "PENNSYL-MANIA!!!" and "LAST MANGLE IN PARIS!!!!!" made Randy Puma a household name, and those households were buying Randy Puma Chewable Vitamins and THICK DICK beef jerky by the carload. He even started to act, making a one-off appearance in Till's "Small Wonder" musical as Lyle Alzado's understudy. The acting bug had bit, and Puma wanted to bite back and take its fuckin' head off.
Randy Puma was still contractually obligated to the WAWA, but Frenchy was willing to let him take some time off, provided that he fight NWA Ricky Steamboat for a WAWA/NWA title unification at BRAWLBUQUERQUE '88. Puma agreed, but on one condition: that the floor of the University Arena be filled with cow manure, and that none of the 18,000 plus on hand was to leave until a winner was decided. The bout, forever known in wrestling lore as "Shit In The Pit", lasted thirty-eight minutes without either fighter making any gains. However, by that time the odor was so overwhelming, and the ventilation was of such poor quality, that several fans lost consciousness. The fight continued with the doors opened, and thousands of fans ran out to the souvenir gas masks they merely assumed were for novelty purposes. Suddenly, in the third hour of action, Puma found the WAWA belt in the manure, and proceeded to beat Steamboat with it until he let go of his NWA belt. It was Randy Puma's finest hour and his "Fuck You" to the world of professional wrestling. But pro wrestling wasn't willing to let go until they fucked him back.
The fallout from this incident disproved the notion that any publicity is good publicity. The WAWA, in talks to be purchased by Ted Turner, was now on the verge of bankruptcy, and the state The Pit was in after the event cost the University of New Mexico their shot at hosting the 1990 NCAA Final Four. Puma lost all of his endorsement deals, and no new acting offers came up, except for a cameo in the direct to video sex comedy Summer School Vs. Ski Camp III. Frenchy Mamagorian blackballed him from performing any major gigs, and colluded with other wrestling organizations in order to make sure Puma never wrestled in the United States again. His last North American gig was at OTTAWAR '89, where he donned a fox costume and performed as The Furious Furry.
By now, you know the rest of the story. How Randy was forced into wrestling in Japan as Super Masked Fatass II, and how Audrey Chen legally changed her name to Reito Noko, blackmailed Puma into marriage, and forced him and Till into the helicopter ride to Hell. And who can forget his improbable second life as a lounge singer, brought upon by Sammo Hung, star of TV's Martial Law? In the end, it's really hard to believe that the same person responsible for Randy Puma Sings The Ethel Merman Disco Album and the hit syndicated series Finding Robert Graves was voted as The Most Dispicable Man In America by three separate magazines in the same year. Then again, to say otherwise would be to beckon Randy Puma out of his slumber, and even at fifty-two years old, you might still not live to hear his next album.