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One might suspect that after the rapture, the amount of spam on the Internet would drop off a bit. After all, there would be less people sending email overall, so presumably there would be less email in your inbox, as well.

Unfortunately, this turns out not to be the case.

In fact, when God finally takes his children to heaven, you can expect to receive even more spam than before, thanks to a new service called "Rapture Letters."

(And no, I'm not making this up.)

Rapture Letters (www.raptureletters.com) is an automated system that is best described by the creators of the system itself. Behold, a quote from their (undoubtedly quite pious) website: (28 Jan 2003)

After the rapture, there will be a lot of speculation as to why millions of people have just disappeared. Unfortunately, after the rapture, only non believers will be left to come up with answers. You probably have family and friends that you have witnessed to and they just won't listen. After the rapture they probably will, but who will tell them?

We have written a computer program to do just that. It will send an Electronic Message (e-mail) to whomever you want after the rapture has taken place, and you and I have been taken to heaven.

That's right, folks! Just when you think your Aunt Susie is finally gone and unable to send any more letters, cards, emails, IMs, or SMS messages condemning your hedonistic lifestyle and warning you about your final destination in the deepest darkest pits of Hell, you'll start getting emails from the grave.

The website goes on to say that all you have to do is give Rapture Letters the email addresses of all your unbelieving friends and family and they'll add the addresses to the Rapture Letters database, where they will be stored "indefinitely." Then, according to the site, the system will simply wait for the rapture to occur, and then a letter will be sent to all unbelievers not once, but every week thereafter, encouraging them to give their lives to God, "read a Bible daily, and do your best to bring others to Christ."

Jesus freaking Christ.

One might ask, Hey, how in the hell will the computer know when the rapture has occured?!?! Well, since I haven't seen any rapture-detecting USB devices on eBay recently, I can only assume that the system works on some sort of dead man's switch principle, whereby if the RaptureLetters.com webmaster doesn't log in one week—w00t! it looks like it's the rapture!—and off the emails go.

Well, it looks like we all just found another domain to add to our email blacklists.


Says one friend of mine: "Imagine one's embarrassment if the rapture came and went and you were still around when folks started receiving your Rapture Letters. Quelle horreur!" Wow, now that would be embarrassing!

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