So we're LIVE (well, for me 3 hours later since I got the encore) from
mah hometown,
New York City.
Madison Square Garden, in fact! Only thing
I don't like about this place is the entranceway...it's about 5 feet long,
way too short for any sort of good entrance. Crowd can't really see you
until you're practically in the ring. But ANYWAY, your hosts are
Jim Ross
and
Jerry Lawler...and away we go!
Match 1: Kurt Angle vs. Mystery Opponent Soon To Be Named Tazz.
Angle comes out, gets on the mic, and does his "<insert city here>,
I can be your hero!" schtick that he frequently did in his early WWF
days. Then...Tazz comes out and makes his WWF debut. Looks like all nicknames
are intact, as JR refers to him as the Human Suplex Machine. Guess what?
Tazz utterly destroys Angle with--get this--suplexes before hitting the
Tazzmission. Angle passes out, and the ref stops the match and awards the
victory to Tazz. So much for that undefeated streak, bub.
Rating: 5/10
Match 2: The Dudley Boyz vs. The Hardy Boyz w/Terri in a Tag
Team Table Match. Okay, here it is: The winner is the team to
put both of their opponents through tables by using offensive moves. So,
if I go for a splash on dem bones and he moves out of the way, I don't
lose and can try to kick his ass some more. There are about ten tables
scattered around the ringside area. Lots of reversals early on to prevent
anyone from going through a table. First "fall" comes when Buh Buh is prone
on a table near a corner, and Matt (from a ladder) and Jeff (from the
top rope) both smack him through the table simultaneously. Second "fall"
comes when the Dudleys set up two sets of the ring steps inside the ring
and then put a table on top of it...and then powerbomb Matt through the
contraption. Third "fall" comes when D-Von is lying prone on top of two
tables near the entranceway and Jeff jumps off the top of the entrance
tunnel (if you know MSG, you know where I'm talking about), executing
a super-senton bomb on D-Von and ending the match.
Rating: 6/10
Backstage shots of Kurt Angle being tended to by EMTs. The EMT tells
him he was choked unconcious, and Angle whines that if he was choked out,
he must still be undefeated. The EMT just repeats his line because he doesn't
know what else to do.
"Match" 3: Miss Royal Rumble 2000 Swimsuit Competition.
JR notes that the first-ever Miss Royal Rumble 2000 will be determined
here, showing that he's an idiot for not realizing this will be the only
Miss Royal Rumble 2000. Boy, JR, you've really gone downhill. Anyway, the
participants are Ivory, Jackie, BB, Luna, Terri, and Miss Kunty--errr,
The Kat. Your special judges are Sgt. Slaughter, Jimmy V, Moolah, Classy
Fredie Blassie, and Andy Richter. Your host for tonight's festivities
is Jerry Lawler. The six participants basically strip down to their swimsuits
and strut around for a minute or so while everyone drools. Just as Kitty
(who was wearing bubble wrap instead of a real suit) finishes...Mae Young
comes out and says she's going to be in the competition as well. She strips
down to her swimsuit...and then takes off her top. You don't see anything
initially, as a big "CENSORED!" logo comes up and blocks out the middle
portion of the screen. Mark Henry comes in and tries to cover her up,
but she struggles to get loose...and NOW we see Mae Young's breasts. Well,
if you tuned in to get boobies, you got them. And now you're scarred for
life. And oh yeah, Mae is announced as the winner.
Match 4: Hardcore Holly vs. Chyna vs. Chris Jericho for the
WWF Intercontinental Championship. All three participants are
over, whoda thunk it a year and a half ago (1998)? Holly gets cheap heat
by pushing Chyna down by the head right off the bat. Slapfest for a minute
before wrestling breaks out. Good, if unspectacular, match. Endgame: Jericho
tries for a superplex on Holly, but Chyna hits the ropes and both men
get crotched. Chyna now hits a superplex on Holly, but good ol' Bob manages
to turn it into a rollup for two. (I got nervous for a minute due to the
shades of Savage vs. Dynamite Kid from the Rosemont Horizon circa 1986
which had the same exact ending.) Anyway, Chyna grabs a chair and smacks
Holly and puts him in a sloppy Boston Crab. Jericho slides in and bulldogs
her off, then hits the Lionsault for a three count. Jericho is the new...or
old...or whatever WWF Intercontinental Champion. And can we PRAY that the
Chyna/Jericho feud is FINALLY over??
Rating: 6/10
Michael Cole interviews The Rock, who cuts a HILARIOUS promo. The
gist: The Rock thinks he has a chance of winning the Rumble--maybe--if
he can get past Crash Holly and Headbanger Mosh. Oh, and Michael Cole should
be worrying about making himself a big glass of "Shut Up" Juice.
Match 5: The New Age Outlaws vs. The Acolytes for the WWF Tag
Team Championship. Acolytes beat up NAO for oh, about TWO MINUTES
before X-Pac runs in and distracts the Acolytes long enough for Gunn
to hit the Famasser on Bradshaw and retain the tag titles. Why even bother?
All logic pointed to the Acolytes going over here, but what do I know.
Rating: 1.5/10. And into every show a little crap must fall.
Match 6: Cactus Jack vs. HHH in a Street Fight for
the WWF Championship. And away we go. Some token wrestling
early on before we get down to business. They trade a couple of chair shots
before brawling into the entranceway. Cactus puts down some wooden crate-thingees
and backdrops HHH onto them. Trash can is used sparingly until they finally
return to the ring...and Cactus pulls out a 2x4 covered in barbed wire
out from under the ring. Ding Ding Ding. HHH gets it after a low blow and
whacks Cactus a few times in the stomach and back. The ref gets rid of
it, but Cactus recovers after a double-arm DDT and retrieves it from
one of the dudes at the Spanish Announcers Table. Cactus hits HHH in the
head with it! HHH does a primo blade job here and is at 0.8 Muta two
minutes later. HHH just brutally assaults Foley's legs, ramming them into
the ringside steps several times via hiptosses and whips. Oh boy, here
come the handcuffs. This is eerily familiar. Cactus manages to control
for a bit despite being handcuffs via drop toe holds and headbutts to the
crotch, but HHH eventually regains control. CUE THE CHAIR SHOTS! Cactus
heads for cover, more or less, to the entranceway. They start yelling each
other for a minute...until The Rock comes out from the back and chairshots
HHH and quickly heads back to the locker room. Some policeman unlocks Cactus
and retreats backstage. This crowd is HOT right about now. Cactus heads
back to the ring, lifts up the apron...CUE THE THUMBTACKS! He spreads
'em out real nice across the ring. Stephanie comes out and yells at the
ref to stop it, but to no avail. Cactus gets backdropped onto the tacks
and then Pedigreed for a TWO count as the crowd goes NUTS. HHH looks
PISSED. He picks Cactus up again and Pedigrees him again...ONTO THE THUMBTACKS.
And there's your three count, HHH retains the WWF Championship. Jesus,
Cactus has tacks stuck in his forehead. You can NOT ask more out of Foley
or HHH than you saw here.
Rating: 9.5/10
Match 7: The 2000 Royal Rumble. D'Lo Brown gets the
"marathon" #1 spot and Brian Christopher is #2. Mosh is #3. Kaientai
(who are not in the Rumble) try to get in the ring but are quickly tossed.
Christian is #4. Whoa, he even comes out from the entranceway and not
from the crowd n' stuff! Rikishi is #5, and everyone but Sexay goes flying
out. Well, so much for D'Lo's marathon run. They stare each other down
until #6 is announced...and it's Scotty 2 Hotty. They do the Too Cool
Dance--which the crowd loves but is really DUMB in the grand scheme of
things, considering it's IN THE MIDDLE OF A MATCH and all. Not to mention
that the lighting guys knew to have the mix all cued up. So as soon as
their done, Rikishi clotheslines both of them and dumps him out with a
grin and a tip of the cap. Here comes Steve Blackman as #7...and there
goes Blackman over the top rope. Looks like Rikishi is getting the Diesel
push. Viscera is #8, so it's the Fat Guy Invitational Challenge. Viscera
is eliminated after three superkicks and a push. The Big Bossman is #9,
who plays a good cowardly heel and refuses to get in the ring. #10 is
Test, the British Bulldog is #11, and Gangrel is #12. Well, this
just slowed down a whole bunch. Oh, here's Kaientai again for shits and
giggles. TAKA hits his head on the floor after flying out of the ring,
and it's looking now like it was a legit injury. #13 is Edge, who miraculously
also takes advantage of the entrance path and not the crowd. No one's been
eliminated in a while. HOLY CRAP! BOB BACKLUND IS #14! Sue me, but I
laughed my ass off. He still looks to be in decent shape, too. Awww, everyone
gangs up on Rikishi and dumps him. Crowd isn't happy about that one, WWF
take note. Chris Jericho is #15 (doing double duty tonight) and he gets
rid of Backlund. Crash Holly is #16, and Chyna is #17. Weren't they
all not supposed to be in the Rumble? Whatever. She dumps Jericho, and
promptly gets elbowed out herself by Bossman. Faarooq is #18, and here
comes the Mean Street Posse (also not in the Rumble) to try to eliminate
him. They don't, but he's distracted long enough for Bossman to take care
of him. Road Dogg is #19, and he adopts the strategy of clinging to the
bottom rope with his hands and feet in a Human Death Lock position. It's
a good strategy, but it's bad television. Al Snow is #20. Val Venis
is #21. Funaki runs in (since TAKA is injured) and promptly gets booted
out again. Prince Albert is #22 and heads straight for Bossman. Hardcore
Holly is #23, and The Rock is #24. He tosses Bossman within, oh, three
seconds. I was half-expecting him to just poke people in the arm and have
them go flying over the top rope and get eliminated. Billy Gunn is #25,
Big Show is #26, Bradshaw is #27. I'm glad I'm taking notes, because
no one's saying or showing what numbers these guys are. The MSP hit the
ring again and get Bradshaw eliminated. Kane is #28 and is the only one
to get any pyrotechnics. The Godfather is #29, and I've totally lost
count of who's been eliminating who by now. Funaki comes in again and gets
tossed out again. X-Pac is #30 to finish it off. The last four end up
being X-Pac, Kane, Big Show, and The Rock. I predict X-Pac! Ha. Rock tosses
X-Pac out but no one sees it and he sneaks back in. X-Pac eliminates Kane
with a spin kick, and Big Show says "Enough of you, silly Waltman" and
launches him out again. So it's Rocky vs. Big Show, predictably. Rock gets
a spinebuster and The People's Elbow, but Wight counters as Rocky picks
him up to dump him and nails a chokeslam. He picks up Rocky and tries to
dump him out, but Rocky holds onto the top rope and narrowly avoids hitting
the floor as Big Show goes crashing out. Rocky's going to Wrestlemania
2000!
Rating: 7.25/10 Really good Rumble, almost no really slow spots.
Plus, Big Fat People didn't elminate everyone this year.
The controversy over who hit the floor first would lead to both The
Rock and Big Show taking part in the main event of Wrestlemania 2000
(along with HHH and Mick Foley). The Foley/HHH match here would
lead to a rematch the next month at No Way Out--a Hell in a Cell match,
with Foley's career on the line vs. HHH's WWF Championship. Foley
would lose and retire, only to be brought back by Linda McMahon for one
last match at Wrestlemania.
But anyway, this show rocked and is highly recommended.