Start Again


Sometimes you think you can save everyone
Usually you are wrong

They seem to glamorize the ideal in movies. You know the kind, action flicks where the hero saves the day and everyone is okay in the end and lives happily ever after. Haven't you ever noticed how much more realistic the film becomes when a few people don't make it? Have you ever noticed how much more likely you are to find yourself relating to the film when everything doesn't turn out right for all the characters?

Exciting and new.
Come aboard.
We're expecting you.

It is like the notion that you are going to fall in love with someone, stay in love with that someone, and then spend decades of bliss together where you always have the answers the other person needs. You are always going to be able to help them no matter what ails them. They are always going to do the same for you.


We can't save everyone because we have no idea how many people we are currently in the process of saving. We have no idea how many triggers we have set off and how many events are currently in progress that we had something to do with. The intermingling of personal human universes in a collective reality becomes a chain reaction of events. Whether we stop for a yellow light or race through it sets off a chain of events that, no matter how minor, changes the lives of millions of people. The world is a giant pinball machine with billions of balls flying at once and no one is keeping score.

"You remember when we met in that bar a few years ago?
Well, I went home and thought about our conversation and I ended up doing what you said.
Saved my life, friend."

So many people feel like they have let others down and that they aren't doing as much as they could be doing. They beat themselves up and blame themselves for things they cannot really control. Once you realize that you can only influence others and that you cannot act on their behalf, you move forward. All you can do is what you are capable of doing. You find a weakness in your armor. Growth comes from learning how to strengthen those weaknesses and from healing the wounds you have been accumulating.

"You haven't been meeting our expectations.
I'm sorry, but we're going to have to let you go."

We're all fired from jobs, dismissed from social circles, and have personal relationships terminated. It is part of the cycle of things. It is a sign that it is time to move on. At the same time, we blame ourselves for what has "gone wrong." We begin to endlessly recant testimony to find ourselves guilty and imprison ourselves in sorrow and regret. We're usually our own harshest judges, and when you take into that mix the fact that we often magnify the criticism of others, it is a wonder we make it through the year.

Endings are new beginnings.
Without them we would never get anywhere.

She said she wasn't dependent on you for everything, but you knew she was dependent on you for too many things. It kept you together for too long. It was always this fear that if you left she would curl up in a ball and die. You reached the point where you just couldn't do it any longer. You couldn't hold her hand all the way through this life. Maybe she recovered and pulled herself together. Maybe she didn't.

Sometimes you think you can save everyone
Usually you are wrong

Sometimes you were the one who was reaching out for someone to save you. There was a fumble and an incomplete pass on your life's playing field and you were trying to get your focus back. You leaned a little too heavily on someone and eventually they moved aside and let you hit the floor. Maybe you hated them for it. Maybe that feeling changed. Maybe you now realize it was just what you needed to right your ship and set you back on the high seas looking towards the horizon.

If you had testicles on your chest...
Would they be called "chesticles?"

Everything matters. At the same time, we put too much weight into certain things and not enough into others. We have no balance. We're grasping at straws. We're not seeing the big picture. We're not even seeing the small picture. We're seeing faded flashbulb memories from blurry strips of four photos from a black and white photo booth at the beach we knew when we were children.

You won't be here forever.
Save enough energy for the escape.


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