Greetings and welcome. At some point in time you may need, or want, to schedule an appointment. This list, while designed to be comprehensive and inclusive, will never be able to address every situation, and ought to be used as a guide rather than viewed as a definitive work on the subject matter. 

1. There's really no need to prepare for making an appointment. People who work in scheduling are the seers, gurus, and mind readers of the world. Often times they have a virtually limitless storehouse of information at their fingertips, or inside of their very unusual brains, but to be more fair to mortals, we choose not to use these gifts to spy on people through the phone. We know what kind of vehicle you drive, and which one needs service if you have more than one. Immediate awareness of your symptoms, ailments, which tooth is bothering you, when a problem will need attention, and when it will go away as if by magic; all is known to your scheduler except in rare cases which I will address next.

2. Employers are by their very nature a philanthropic and empathetic group. They believe that their job is to seek out those who are less fortunate, perhaps not quite as brilliant as the rest of the crowd, they deliberately seek out and cull misfortunates and ask if they want jobs simply out of the goodness of their giant corporate hearts. As a result, people who work in scheduling are sometimes simpletons, unable to solve even the most basic of problems without detailed, explicit, and thorough explanations. They have almost no knowledge of their organization, how anything outside of their tiny worlds could be connected to anything else, and really ought to be fired immediately. Let your voice be heard by demeaning them in your most scathing tone.

3. Despite their best efforts to hire shiny happy people, periodically a sadist slips through the cracks and manages to land a scheduling position. Controlling these people is impossible, they intentionally try to book appointments at the worst possible times, deny you the courtesy vehicle you really want, speak to you in frosty, icy, and even hostile tones, and in general convey their intense and vitriolic rage at all of humanity. These people know exactly how to fuck you over, and they have spent long hours contemplating the very best, most creative and imaginative ways to stab a figurative pin through you until you stop writhing like the insects they perceive you to be. There is no getting around these types; but do vent, rant, or behave passively aggressively.

4. Your prototypical scheduler sits in the most luxurious of surroundings, and was hired exclusively for you. They never have any other obligations, nobody interrupts them, their acute hearing allows them to tune out the minor background sounds that may occasionally be heard through the sound proofing in their corner offices. Their mouths and throats are perpetually prepared to answer your incoming call, and never dry out causing them to cough gently, or unwrap a lozenge. They do not need to eat, use the restroom, or move from the office where they sit waiting for your call, and your call only. Please heap any and every detail upon them, they are dying to hear about your cat's breakfast, how you ran out of paperclips, and other various and sundry conversational fillers.

5. The best time to schedule an appointment is outside of normal business hours. Schedulers are typically well compensated for their time, they are a merciless and demanding lot, and hapless corporations are at their mercy so schedulers have a tendency to come and go as they please. The forty + hour work week simply does not exist for them. I like to roll in around ten or so, lunch is a two hour minimum, and I need to catch up with my internal peeps while I'm actually at work so after my vehicle has been parked in the section normally reserved for rock stars, I don't have that much time to do my actual job before I need to leave early for a psychic reading, Swedish massage, or other perplexing hobby. Sorry folks, that's just the way we roll.

6. All schedulers have photographic memories, and never forget anything that they hear. Feel free to rattle off your excessively long name, skip right over spelling out names that may be unusual, or spelled in distinctive ways, your scheduler will automatically know that you are Caryn, and not Karen, or heaven forbid, Karin. Breeze through that phone number, your scheduler has already brought up your profile in the computer system, and will remind you that the day you are scheduling your appointment is also the day your mother has a doctor's appointment, your children have early release from school, and that you volunteered to chaperone a teen event at your local community center. Schedulers are awesome that way! 

7. Since schedulers spend so much time on the phone, it follows that they love small talk and idle chit chat. Your appointment time is really more of a suggestion, so if you have an appointment at 11:00 AM, by all means show up at 8:15 in your most belligerent and outraged form. Demand to know why your paperwork was not immediately located, and berate them loudly for any failings, their minds are like steel traps, they never forget even the tiniest detail, and their software is a miracle of reliability in addition to being easy to use. They were also given ample time and a ridiculous amount of training, no scheduler is new at their job, they also moonlight as surgeons, dentists, mechanics, window installers, HVAC techs, etc..., so your complex question is always welcome.

8. Schedulers are a proud group. Humble them by using your most condescending tone. Complain about the coffee, the weather, let them know that the Wi-fi disconnected you, and make sure that your non-verbals match your spoken contempt for this sleazy, unreliable, ill mannered, and disreputable group. Assume that your scheduler wants to sleep with you and feel free to invade his or her personal space, especially if you are sporting a wedding ring. You can also just sit and stare at their computer screen, let those slimy schedulers know that you are onto their tricks and secretly not giving you the appointment that you truly deserve. Their desk is yours; dump your large collection of personal belongings right on top of it because you are entitled to that space.

9. Under no circumstances is your scheduler unavailable. You could try to leave a voicemail, but everyone who has ever tried to schedule an appointment knows that the call will probably never be returned, and if it is, the entire experience will be draining, and not accomplish what you set out to do. You know more than that stupid scheduler, demand to get in as soon as possible and argue with the scheduler when they try to give you a slot that is further out. They are fucking with you just because they can, and you need to show them who is boss here. An exception to this rule is when the scheduler offers to get you in right away, and you know that they picked the one time you had something fun to do sheerly out of spite. Then take that February 29th appointment.

10. Obviously being a scheduler is not quite as bad as I have made it out to be, this was my way of venting, and I actually understand both sides because as soon as it is my turn to schedule an appointment, I do a lot of the things I accused others of doing here. I could go into cancellation requests, fury over the bill being higher than a customer thinks it should be, or many other complaints, but the truth is I am extremely grateful for my job most of the time, and also have customers like the one I drove home last night. He offered me a four pack of what looked like fancy craft beer; we discussed painting, physics, parenting, and he would gladly have taken an Uber home had I not agreed to give him a ride since he was on my way.

tl;dr: Scheduling; like many jobs, it is largely what you make of it. Remind yourself that you are in control of you, and do not allow anyone to dim your inner light. Go forth and schedule fearlessly, you've got this. 

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