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"The West's Most Western Town" was founded by Army Chaplain Winfield Scott in 1888. Scottsdale, often referred to derisively as "Snotsdale", is also considered to be the Beverly Hills of Phoenix. Judging from the luxury cars on the streets and the designer outfits worn by the septugenarian lizard queens at Scottsdale Fashion Square, I think it's safe to say that the median income has risen far beyond the $24K reported by the census.

Scottsdale faces more limits on urban sprawl than other Arizona cities because much of it borders Indian land. Make a wrong turn on your drunken drive home from a hard night of clubbing, and you may face federal charges for getting arrested on the reservation.

Mind-boggling quantities of water and energy are spent maintaining countless golf courses for a bunch of rich, old white guys who slap each other on the back a lot. Nightclubs like Axis/Radius, Martini Ranch and The Famous Door contain various and sundry blondes in different stages of recovery from plastic surgery, all wearing black leather jackets and carrying some sugar daddy's platinum card. Aspiring sugar daddies looking to land another gold digger or two participate in the Scottsdale courting ritual of "accidentally" dropping their platinum card on the floor in plain sight, sometimes along with the keys to their luxury automobiles if competition is especially fierce that night.

Okay, I'm bitter because I grew up in Phoenix, but since I've moved to a colder, wetter climate, I can't think of another place I'd rather spend the winter. After putting up with the yearly jackassery of snowbirds, I'm kind of looking forward to the day when I'm able to winter in Phoenix and inflict the same inconveniences on the locals that I used to endure myself.

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