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The title of this recipe really doesn’t sound too appealing to most people with social lives involving real live people who might be able to smell their breath afterwards. What with scrambled eggs traditionally being a morning meal, it’s understandable that many would feel wary of some of this recipe’s ingredients. Personally, I’m not too keen on the idea of garlic for breakfast either, but this meal is perfect for those lazy Sundays when you rise around ten, eat a late brunch and then proceed to do nothing more strenuous than read the paper and have a nap. Alternatively, if you add a few potato wedges or perhaps grill some bacon with this, it could easily make an evening meal.

Scrambled eggs are fairly quick and easy to make, but they are also a bit bland. This recipe was concocted by adding different ingredients to the basic mix and experimenting to try and liven it up a little.


This will serve two people.


First of all, don’t feel too bound by the exact values in the ingredients list. Most of this recipe is made up, so it isn’t worked out to painstaking levels of precision. If your splash is bigger than my splash (I’d feel uneasy giving a quote on how big my knob is), fair enough. Likewise, if you’re a garlic fiend or you feel like scaring away the vampires, more garlic is perfectly acceptable.

To prepare, chop the onion into the smallest pieces you can. Put these to one side. Slice the mushrooms - I do this lengthways, so that they make almost T-shaped sections. Next, chop the garlic into very fine pieces. Leave the chopped garlic in a little pile, and pour or mill some salt onto it. This helps bring out more of the garlic flavour.

Take an ordinary pan and place it on a high heat. Drop the margarine in to melt. As it melts, spread it out so it covers the bottom of the pan. Wait until it’s noisily sizzling, then splash in your milk. Around 20ml/5 fl. oz. is probably about right, because if you add too much milk at this stage, you get a watery residue left over at the end that makes your toast go all soggy. Move the pan off the heat once the milk is warmed but not boiling.

In a different pan, fry your onions lightly in some olive oil. Keep them moving around - they’ll be going in with the eggs, but since eggs will cook fairly quickly, frying them first just softens them up and makes sure they’re cooked thoroughly. Once they’re done, move them off the heat.

Next, break your eggs and add them to the pan with milk and margarine in. I find breaking the eggs into a cup first makes this a lot less messy and stops egg white getting onto the side of the pan and burning. Whisk the eggs until the mixture is homogenous. Now add the onions. Whisk it again to mix them in. Next, mill in your pepper and mixed herbs. If all is going well, your mixture should have attained the approximate consistency and appearance of dog vomit. This is good. Believe me, it gets more appetising.

The timing of the next part is key, and does take a little practice. What you want to do is cook your eggs, fry your mushrooms and toast your bread so that they’re all ready at exactly the same time.

If you like, at this point you can put a couple of plates in a low temperature oven (I use about 60 °C / 140 °F) to warm. Scrambled eggs do go cold quite fast, so this is recommended.

Put the pan with the eggs and onions onto a high heat. Be prepared to turn this down if the eggs start sticking to the pan. The secret with scrambled eggs is to keep them moving at all times. It’s difficult to stress this enough - keep stirring them! If they just sit there, the top section won’t be cooked and the bottom section will be stuck to your pan. Cooking the eggs should take about 5-7 minutes. Solid matter will begin to precipitate from the liquid mixture. Once all the liquid has turned to solid, this process has ended and the eggs are ready. As previously stated, a thin, watery liquid can be left over at the bottom of the pan. This does have a different appearance to the egg mixture so the potential for confusion is low. If some of this fluid does remain, pour it away.

At around the same time as you put your eggs on to cook, toss the mushrooms and garlic into a heated frying pan with some extra virgin olive oil. If they’re a little dry in the pan to begin with, don’t worry. The mushrooms will soon begin to exude juices that they’ll cook quite happily in. After a couple of minutes frying, add a liberal sprinkle of Worcestershire sauce. Let the mushrooms simmer on a low heat in a shallow amount of the sauce and juice.

At around the same time, you should also be putting bread on to toast. Keep an eye on the eggs, as the mushrooms will largely take care of themselves.

When the eggs have cooked, your mushrooms are ready and the toast has popped up, serve the eggs on top of the toast with a sprig of parsley. Voilà!

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