I swam yesterday.
The pool was warm. I went into it, a sea of tears. I went deliberately, voluntarily.
I've resisted for two months, but now accepted that the Ex-Beau is just that. I am turning inward to a deep sea, a pool of sorrow. Why does it feel so lonely, Beloved? I have my daughter still at home, the dog, two cats, the bunny, and yet still I long for an adult to be close.
My Uncle once said to me that for the first time in his life he was not the most important person in someone's life. He was in his 70s and his girlfriend had died. I thought that he didn't know how lucky he was, that many people spend years alone. Why does it feel so lonely to be my own number one? My anger is melted, my focus on the Ex-Beau melts away and what I am left with is tears: Beloved, if I am lovable, why is it that I am not loved?
I am back to the loneliness that I had to enter in my divorce. It's not that I want to go there, Beloved, but I will do my best. It is not coals this time, but being willing to reenter that pool of tears. I have been in this pool over and over, at birth and 4 months and 9 months. The grieving memory child cries out, "Will no one stay? Will they always say they love me and abandon me? What have I done? Why should I trust you? Why should I trust?"
Shhh, little one. You are loved, I love you, Beloved loves you. Lay your tired head on my shoulder. Let me embrace you and rock you. People are messy, they are afraid, they make mistakes and yet they and you are still lovable. You tried to be perfect, pleasing, loving and they left, so why try? Better to be angry, prickly, alone. If you don't trust, you can't be abandoned, right, sweet one? But you long to be loved so badly. Come here in the warm sea of tears and rest. The universe is still beautiful. Trust and be certain you are loved.
I can swim in the sea of tears but right now I cannot cry.