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So, Mr.....Darth, is it? Oh, Death, sorry. My secretary's got terrible handwriting, but she makes a great bagel. Anyway, shall we procede with the inspection? We'll start at the front door, please.

Impressive setup you've got here. Is that triple-layered titanium? Aah. Where did you purchase it from? I see...can I see an invoice please? I'll need a copy of this, just fax it to my office. Is it electronic? Aah, then I presume it's driven by the wasted muscles of your mortal slaves? Of course, of course...can I see the gear and cog system please. Make sure you keep these oiled - don't want them rusted and snapping. I'll make sure to check on those in 6 months. Also, please install a locking mechanism, to prevent unexpected falls while people are passing under.

If you want an override in the case of an unexpected fortress siege, you'll need to fill out form 46B. Yes, the mauve one. Aaah, you've already....superb. I'll file this when I get back.

Right, into the belly of the beast, eh? No, I mean...never mind.

Nice marbling work in the hall. Watch out for Stone Weevils though - the spell is really quite simple, and wizards are easy to annoy. Let's see....where's the blueprint...aaah, here we go. Now, I don't need to see all the rooms, as I'm sure the construction supervisor made sure of most of them, just a couple I'd like to have a look at. Could we have a look at your snake pit, please?

Hmm...hand excavated, I see. Install some load bearing steel girders along the north and east faces, they look a bit shaky. Are the snakes already....aah, you don't waste time I see! A man after my own heart. I was kidding. Please stop that.

I'm afraid that Australian Black Mamba is illegal in this area, unless you have an Animal Visa from the Department of....yup, that's it. You have done your research, haven't you. Just let me scan the area....hmm, I'd keep an eye on that steel gantry, and put some rods fixing it to the ceiling. Chains are unreliable, and easily severed by a power axe and the like.

So, this is the torture chamber. And you have blood collecting drains....one two three...where's the fourth? I'm afraid EOF regulations require at least one drain per torture implement. I'd install a couple of others, in case you want to expand in the future. Also, please soundproof this room - consideration for your neighbours, and all.

Hmm...pom pom pom....power core! Aaah, elevator, great - feet are aching. Sixth inspection today. Mr Madness has reopened his Carnevil, and required urgent approval.

Right, korlinium encased power core...is that the power for just this building? Your suit as well? That'll need special dispensation from the Electrical Board, I'm afraid, you'll have to contact them about that. Put a plastic casing around that self destruct button, at least.

Only the barracks, and I'm satisfied. What army are you using? Sorry, was that cats or bats? Right...and how many are you having? That'll be...um....1600 cubic metres then. Could you pass me my tape measure, please? Thankyou...good good, all checks out. Again, I'd expand it a bit now, for more troops in the future.

Not too bad, Mr Death, not too bad at all. Just make those changes I mentioned, I'll call back in a week or so, and give you the official thumbs up. Until then, I'll give you a preliminary license...that allows for furnishings and such to be moved in, but no minions as yet. As for captives, the limit is...let me check...one princess and two young farmers maximum, at any one time.

I'll type up a full report this evening, and fax it to you tomorrow. I'll see you in a week, but I'd just like to wish you good luck for the future - a nice professional setup, and a snappy costume, which you don't often see that often. Could you open the gates for me please? Thankyou.

Have a nice day now! Bye bye!

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