This morning, while riding in the car on the way to Salem, Oregon I watched the sunrise while thinking about Adam. Then I saw Ophie's daylog. My head filled with all the things that have been swirling around for 10 years. These are the things that I do not want to say. So, I began to write them down in my notebook. I filled three pages. I'm not going to share that with you though. Those words are meant to be shared around a campfire followed by a toast to those departed.
On our way home later in the day, we stopped in Corvallis, Oregon for lunch. We sat outside and enjoyed our lunch. The sun came over the edge of the shade structure and Stephen gave Dylan his sunglasses. With the sunglasses on, he looked shockingly like his father. Elizabeth snapped a picture of him that can be found here. The similarity hurts and comforts.
I'm finishing up my degree in Landscape Architecture at the University of Oregon this year. I have married and divorced – most likely my fault for both. I've had moments of desperation and elation. I've found the right relationship. Retrospect thinking is a kick in the pants.
Elizabeth recently got her learner's permit, she's 15 now. Tonight, Stephen helped me to make one of Adam's dearest desires come true. He taught Elizabeth and Dylan (Cait watched) how to change a tire and the various parts of a car engine. I'll be doing the lesson on manual transmissions soon. Now, Dylan, Elizabeth and a friend are at the dining room table drawing. Their laughter is soothing my soul.
stay the same.
I'm finally home. I've come to learn that this will always be with me. The ache caused by his absence will always be there. But over time, I'm getting used to it and it's going to be ok. It already is ok.