I don't want to write today. I don't want to face the truths about myself that are ugly. I'm not in a position to focus on what is good in my life, but I need to be doing that. My sister sent me a Halloween decoration that the pharmacy where she works put up. My aunt called, I was dreading talking to her, but we had a really nice conversation. She's older and knows that at some point in time she'll probably want to move into a condo or possibly an apartment. There are things I need to do that I'm not doing and it's making me angry that I'm being so silly about it. I'm looking for a way out and adopting the role of a victim instead of taking stock of my strengths, seeing what I have overcome in the past, and reminding myself that I can go out and get a job and do a lot of other things to make my life better. Truthfully, my life is not bad. It's how I perceive it that's the problem. I want to do things, at home, with other people, I think most of all I just need to realize that getting divorced is a major life change and just take things day by day instead of getting so worked up about the future. I wrote that guy a letter, I needed to do that. I Googled how to get over someone and read what that had to say. It is a period of loss in more ways than one. I got an email about my youngest daughter's grades. She doesn't have a habit of coming home with poor grades so now I'm wondering what's going on with her.

It was really nice talking to my aunt about Jill. I think she's scared on a fundamental level and she's that way because her parents are too. We're approaching life with a fear minded approach instead of the realization that most of the time people are not out to screw you, and if they are, you can get through that too. I'm getting more sleep, my stomach is still knotty and tense. I keep searching and not finding, but I know part of that is because I'm hobbled by the mindset of fear. I don't feel like I have anything to say today. I got out and rode my bike yesterday. I made the ride short so my ankle didn't bug me, but I still had some twinges. Winter will be here soon, fall, the big nothingness of the future is scaring me instead of thrilling me. I'm missing my Twitter friends, but now I see how I used that to escape and not deal with things. Just really depressed today. I'm strong, I can laugh and be happy. Need to stop worrying so much, what has that ever gotten me in life? Nothing, that's what. I can count my blessings, I've been here a long time and today I'm thankful for the opportunity to let some of the melancholy flow. Now it's time to get outside and see if I can frame out a garden with the wood I have. Hate that my ex still lives in my head. Need to get him out of there ASAP...

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