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I don't know how daylogging goes so I'm sorry if this is wrong (I think they are more like a blog? I don't like blogs). I don't know how linking goes so I'm going to try out some pipe links.

Since I am new to E2 I could introduce myself, I suppose. I am Kayla Madison and I am from an undetermined location on earth's surface. I don't know how personal to make this. I gave you my name but I don't want to give you my time zone. I have been writing for a while but not often have I shown people my work. Be gentle with me.

The reason I came to E2 is to see if I can sort through stuff. My friends are not helpful and I don't like blogs. (But this is not asking for help. I do not mean it to sound as though I am. This is me talking to myself.)

So, honesty. (This is mostly anonymous so it should be easier.)

I am bisexual. And I hate that word. "I like guys; I also like girls" is more my style if I have to tell people. I do my very best to not have to tell people. I do not see how my preferred gender for sexual acts is a good topic of conversation. (Can you tell I am not 100% comfortable with this?)

I have been this way since before I knew that sexuality was even a thing, but it took me a long time to notice and then a while more to partway accept it. I'm comfortable with it, in general. Can casually discuss attractive women with my friends, attempt to flirt with girls in my classes, but beyond that, I'm extremely nervous. It's like my first boy, all over again. I was fine being around him in any context except physically. And sometimes, together around friends, he'd give me a look and I wouldn't know exactly what it meant so I wouldn't do anything. With him there were a lot of little moments I'd like to take back and do again. Raise my eyebrows, keep his gaze a little longer, brush my fingers against him, I don't know.

My trouble is and was finding girls who like girls. I've never been good at flirting with guys and trying to flirt with girls who think you're just being weirdly friendly isn't easy. I don't think it's easy. (I think I'm meant to have a gaydar? If I do, it's malfunctioning.) During high school I didn't care for a relationship enough to try my hand at flirting, and I found that the right dress and the right shoes conveyed the right message anyway. I don't know how to transfer that over to girls at all.

It makes me feel as though I am not really into girls, simply because I have done next to nothing about it. It's been easier going with the guys who offered than putting myself out there and trying to find a girl. I know I am. I couldn't not be. I just don't know where to go from the realization to the actuality.

Today is September 19. 2010. I am currently listening to "Karn Evil 9" by Emerson Lake and Palmer. Those being Keith Emerson the keyboard player Greg Lake the guitarist and Carl Palmer the drummer. Today I finished preparing my bedroom for painting. I finished spackling sanding and wiping all the spackle dust crap off the walls. I will sleep in my brothers room tonight, because I had to move my bed my dressers and my desk out of my room. My brother is away at college right now so I don't think he will mind me sleeping in his room. I gave some thought to "Wetperch's Nodeshell Challenge", I may or may not try to fill some of the nodeshells he has created. I should probably get to bed early tonight because I have to wake up for school tomorrow.

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