You'll excuse me for jumping the gun, I hope. Tomorrow, Monday, is my twentieth birthday.
Holy shit I'm 20!

(As, I noticed, it is the B-day of ModernAngel and Templeton. Happy Birthday to us!)

Tomorrow will probably be relatively normal, which is interesting, considering the fact that the date signifies the beginning of my third decade of existence. You'd think there'd be a to-do. A reckoning. A party.


The most likely exciting thing to happen to me is that I'll get my Sacrifice Beta Test CD, (See my wu on September 23, 2000) and spend most of the day playing that. I'm hoping prole will get back to me about mayhap going to lunch tomorrow. She seems like an interesting person, and getting to know someone I met online, IRL is something I've never had the opportunity to do before.

All in all, a peacful transition from teenagerdom to .... uh.... something closely approximating adulthood. (??)

self-effacing humor for my new year ---> On the morn of my third decade....

prev Saturday September 25, 2000 next

i survived my my big adventure (see September 22, 2000, September 23, 2000, September 24, 2000), but swear i'll never try to travel on the last day of the school term again. the night train was packed with a billion 12 year olds each of whom had a big bag of sweats which they ate to keep their hyperactive until about 3am.

the visit to my olds (that's parents to those who don't speak the local cant) was good. i was there for almost 24 hours and my mother only tried to set me up with one woman. this is an improvement. believe me.

my grandmother is still cruising down the long road of old age and somehow manages to be much cooler about many things than my olds, i suspect that unlike them she feels no need to worry about me.

My nose hurts.

That was the the theme of the day.

Worked from open to close, 10:30 to 6:30. Not a bad shift. But I had to speand eight hours of my time with Nancy. Nancy has many faults. She has few friends. She mocks me, is extremely condescending, and flaunts her superior rank whenever possible. She makes me do the dirty work. Sigh.

There was a man who called about an hour bfore closing, looking for a lighthouse soap dispenser. We had one left. He was excited enough to scare me. Why does a man need a lighthouse soap dispenser? Perhaps he was taking orders from his wife. Whatever's clever, yo.

Best Story of the Day
A woman came in looking for a single dinner plate she needed to replace. I showed her where her pattern was. She looked around for a second, found a different pattern of dishes she liked better, and bought twelve place settings, plus all matching seving pieces and any other random accessories I suggested. That's well over seven hundred bucks plus tax, and she made the decision in less than four minutes. Crazy rich old women.

Another blur of days, baby blue and sparkling.

As far as Meatspace Jairus is concerned, I've been working too little, sleeping too little, eating too little, and spending too little time with the people I care about.

I'm not exactly sure what it is I've been doing with my time.


Life continues to wrap itself around me, leading me to new and interesting places. Emotionally, I've been on a downswing. Not depression, or angst, just... extremes. Not manic, not angry, I'm simply been feeling a lot recently, and that's been taking its toll. I'm not entirely used to feeling strongly about something, all the time. It wears me out.

Also, for what it's worth, my sex drive is in a coma, and I fear that soon we will be saying our final good-byes to it. Not for any reason, either. My desire to be sexual has just been slipping, I suppose... And that upsets me.

In fact, what upsets me even more than that, is the fact that I am upset over it. To me, sex shouldn't be that big of a deal, shouldn't be something worth getting upset about, getting all frustrated over. It seems that a part of me differs, however. And so the conflict begins.

I think a large part of this, is the fact that I'm currently staying with Jes' family.

If living with your girlfriend's mom isn't an ego-buster, I'm not sure what is. Not that I don't appreciate their kindness, mind you. They've been amazing to me, and I thank them daily for their hospitality. It is a temporary measure, and I should be back in Toronto soon enough, anyhow. With that said, it's hard to be intimate with someone, knowing her mother is behind a few doors, maybe twenty feet away.

Toronto, soon.


The thought of being back in Toronto with Jes, and Venk is really the primary thing keeping me afloat, at this point. It's what I'm driving towards, and with the exception of Opteryx, it's my all, my everything, my single outlet for emotions, energy, and effort. I want to be there, more than I have words for... And while I could leave tomorrow, I'd rather show up there to attend an interview, so I don't stagnate, trying to revel in the glory and lights of the city. I want a purpose when I go, something to accomplish. A reason, more than just being.

Toronto, soon.

Happy Birthday to IainB!

19 today... I hadn't even gotten used to being 18 to be honest. registering for Uni tomorrow, going to the radiohead concert on glasgow green on thursday, starting uni next monday.


Nothing much...

Spent weekend in Kuhmo once again, helped my father to learn HTML and helped to get the page up and running. To GeoCities. It's all in Finnish, but anyway: - if you're interested about how movies came to be in Kuhmo, that's the place to be. =)

Currently, I'm finishing Usenet, will be back later...


All done, and I'm hungry. Not just hungry in traditional sense of the word, but hungry of information... What, if I'm feeling this after listening to morning news, then reading Slashdot and K5, and... well, a lot of stuff, can I be called a news addict?


Frigging headache. Grrmrr it, I'm going home.


Remember that brouhaha about BMG's copy protected CDs? They accomplished this by violating the Red Book slightly, and didn't even bother telling about it to the customers...

...well, for what it's worth, I just napped "Join Me" by the Satanic HIN-orchestra. I think ESR's comment about copy protection is very, very accurate... =)


Yay! My firewall settings let me through, again... I actually guessed correctly which rule needed tweaking. I just needed to move that "make hole for port 80" rules up in the list...

Me goooooood. Me can read ipchains -L output. Rule, meeeee, yes, that meeee does. Mad skillz, d00d. =)

That ipchains --log switch is extremely handy. I just thing gfcc would need some helpful features (like, more logical reordering of chains, now I need to move big bunches around).


Notes to self: Got to node more about cool Usenet history points.

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: razorblade
Updated: Commodore 64 (Debate about BogoMIPS) Kent Hovind Nodes about Finnish Language hai

I hate my fiscal situation.. i hate it a lot..
i hate my freedom.. i hate my fences..
i hate the fact i cant trust my own impulses..
i hate my solitude.. i crave my peace..

Those aloof boys
I updated that node sucker for a guy who....
call me inspired.. or maybe not..
I should beg of you to inspire me..
although i know i need to do it on my own for myself.
I noded the song "Simple Life" yesterday..
i wish i didn't feel like that.

I was stupid for about a week straight now.
Yah yah I know.. I am not mentioning this to get a "poor girl"..
I am coping. I lost 10 lbs. I have to be honest.
I am more scared about a week from now.
Will I gain it back, and start this track all over again?
I wish i'd just stay off with healthy diet and working out.
To my dear sister ophie.. we had a wacky early weekend
and understands why I noded "Why Do I Lie?" and "Mood Swing".

I talked to that girl who think I can say she is my friend.
I am not sure how she feels about me.
I've grown to care about her well-being, I think she is a good person..
we all have our issues..
she can at least deal with hers
. She mentioned the song "Hello Kitty Kat" in some writing recently..
I noded it from my perspective.. but i dedicate it to her.

It's about 8am right now.
I am going to go run to the post office.
Then I have to come back here to wait for the roofer.
So I will node more about my day as it happens.


8:29 AM EST -- They must think I'm dumber than I look

Woke up to the frosty wilderness that IS my room (Hey, it's our house's server room, it's better off that way). Can't beat Michigan's natural cooling system (Open windows) for keeping a server room nice and frosty cool.

It was any ol' day of waking up for class, still feeling groggy, avoiding the Penguin Mints (There's a difference between WAKING me up and KEEPING me awake), when I happened to check my Crosswinds E-Mail account. I found two messages, both of whose subjects were "Neighbor?", both of whom were mass-mailed to tons of people I don't know, both of which simply contained the text "Do you know this person?", both of which had a JPEG attachment on them. My question remains: How stupid do these people think I am? Most of the people I know are smart enough to send me PNG attachments anyhoo...

I'll copy the thing to macaroni, my happy Linux box, for a safe file opening. Or, nah, I'll just delete it.

5:30 PM - 9:00 PM EST -- A mysterious loss of consciousness

Passed out on my bed. Slept for numerous hours. Got up in time to see some more Olympics. Suddenly started wondering about Other sports which should be Olympic Games (tm). Eventually slept again.

Today was so bleeding exciting.

NEW NODES TODAY: Other sports which should be Olympic Games (tm)

Pungenday, day 49 of Bureaucracy, YOLD: 3166 (atole)
79:04:03 (1)

pitter patter, what's the matter?
baba yaga got your tongue?

yesterday was today, but today is tomorrow running into next week.
think i'll buy a pipe.
maybe not.
i've never been much of a pothead. but i could start.
i couldn't say goodbye, so i have to say hello. hello, hello.. *grin*
spit spot, you're going the wrong way. spacing words at work, thinking he's stupid and feeling guilty because i'm judging.
-----start cliche block-----
but when it rains, it pours.
so what's next? everything.

back | days | front

I am now officially freaked out

Today is Monday. Mondays have always been days to growl at people and drink too much coffee.

Not today!

I got up early. I washed quickly. I waltzed into work. I accomplished things. I smiled at my project leader (who I normally hate).

I am happy. Buoyed upward because of her. Things are looking up.

Life is good

I am worried about the operation tomorrow, but today is a day for happiness.


15:30 BST

This is my 500th node. Woop!

16:40 BST

Oh, hell. I am the only person around who can operate our clearcase servers. So, I shall prolly be working until midnight trying to get the damn things stable again. :-(

17:20 BST

Let's get electrified

Special xmms playlist for getting me psyched up to do 3 days work in 2 hours... begin with Leftfield's Afrika Shox, and maybe some kicking hard house to follow... hmm...

19:35 BST

later. got off work due to fucking crap stupid shitty SQL server and stupid buggery clearcase being so shittily designed and fucked up that they can't even restore a backup correctly.


running around the house cleaning. terrified of this stupid fucking operation that i don't even need and days of morphine haze and being off work and boredom and regression into stupid fucking agoraphobia. eating too much and the music is up too loud. but fuck my stupid neighbour cos he is just such a flake and likes cheesy mainstream club music in fact he is playing stupid fucking ministry of sound pete tong shite with the bass up too high.

regression. fucking scared, alright?


It's freezing here today. It's 58F degrees outside right now, and for those of you who think that's not cold, yesterday it was in the high 90's. This is typical East Texas weather. Hot one day cold the next.

IT RAINED! Last night it rained, sweet, beautiful, much needed rain. With all of the fires that have been burning throught the area, this will help. I've been really worried for my timber farm, this rain should help considerably.

I still have this wretched cough from my sickness last week, but it is slowly getting lesser and lesser.

Its gonna be another interesting day here at Cornell...

I have 4 classes today: Math section, Freshman Writing Seminar, Chem lecture, Math lecture.
I have a math prelim (basically a midterm) on thursday, a 4-6 page paper due on wednesday, and a lab quiz on thursday. This is not good.

Tonight i have a review for the lab quiz, and am gonna have to write the majority of the paper. I also have to start studying for the math. So much for watching the olympics....
Where does the time go???
At least its cold... oh wait... thats not a good thing.
Loss of sanity was achieved yesterday at approximately 23:54 BST.

This meant the early hours of this morning were spent scrawling madly over a bit of paper, not a good start. At least the day at that point could only get better and to this point, it has! What is written below is the edited highlights of the scrawling from this morning. At this point in time, I will refrain from sharing with E2 what events drove me into such a state, as it will only serve as the tool for you all to judge me from your own subjective views,sorry. All I can say is that it was important to me at the time and perhaps in the future when I have gained much need perspective I will be able to deal with the events in question but right now I am more concerned with the emotions surrounding them.

The pain in my chest; heartburn or heart-attack?

At least it fills the empty space

When all you can feel is the consequences of the weeks gone by. It all seems so sterile and without meaning. You are left recognised but not acknowledged. This is not indulging in self-pity, this is not a cry for help, this is reality, meaningless, purposeless reality.

All I know is that I’m left with the distinct feeling that no one is listening.

When I woke up this morning I felt very detached from the words staring up at me from the paper. Of this, I am glad.

Reasons to be cheerful: It didn't rain

Reasons not to be cheerful: Two of my friends are seeing Radiohead tonight and I'm not.


Another day, another hangover.

We went to milwaukee this weekend. I have no idea why. We were told that it wasn't the most happening place. I wanted to go to Chicago but some people in the group were getting stroppy about sticking together so I went along with the flow.

Milwaukee was everything we were warned it would be. It was saturday night and the place was a ghost town. It reminded me somewhat of Canberra. We ended up in some bar that was doing its best to be funky but was failing miserably. The couches were freshly upholstered velvet, the rest of the decor looked like the lobby of a Great Western, there was loud Rumpshaka music, there was a buffet. I felt like I was in a wedding reception. Eventually It got too much and I talked a couple of the others into looking for a place to dance. This made me unpopular with some. Apparently we were supposed to enjoy hangin out with the group and hence not care where we were. I dont bother to explain that I don't like people

My misanthropy has getting steadily stronger over the last couple of days. I have contempt for everything and everyone. The whole damn town irritated me. We ended up in a club that I would not have set foot in anywhere else. Full of conventionally dressed drunk lascivious people drinking novelty drinks from syringes and test tubes. Shudder. Some insecure idiot tried to pick a fight with me. I briefly contemplated hurting him badly but his whole 'dont be disrespecting me' routine was too pathetic to even hold my attention for long.

We arrive back at the hotel at about 3am since the whole town has shut down and there is nowhere else to go. My from here on is a little disjointed due to extreme drunkeness.... I am in the bathroom brushing my teeth with one of the girls in our room...blank bit... we are still in the bathroom. We are kissing. I am just going through the motions...blank bit... I am sitting on the toilet crying. She is asking what is wrong. I don't tell her but somehow she figures it out. She tells me it will all work out. I don't agree but I tell her I do for her benefit.

The next day the others who stayed at the bar won't shut up about last night. Apparently they had a great time dancing on the bar and are so glad we came to Milwakee. I have never seen such a classic case of cognitive dissonance.

Later that day we drive through some of the residential areas. manicured lawns, landscaped gardens, attractive brick housing, the american flag flying in the front yard. It all fills me with an emptiness I can not describe.

Kung's USA daylogs prev next
Dear day log, I have found perl! I feel so happy.

I never realized how effective non-compiled languages can be. It's amazing. I must admit that writing it makes me think of good ol' DOS .BAT -"coding", but it's really like tinyfugue generic plus.

In other news of kaatunut's non-life, my ring has finally started to stabilize in left finger for school (and other public presence) time, but seems to move into right finger as soon as I get home. Well, I guess that's not that bad either.

But that's not all! I also received practise papers for mathematics competition for finnish colleges today. Too bad I had almost no clue at all as to how to solve them (until I peeked at the answers, that is)... in the beginning. After few ones, I started being able to make solutions but the speed is still gruesome, takes about 4 times as much as the test gives me time, and the proofs are still quite long, clumsy and informal (as in non-formal, not as in info-rmal).

Finally, I just finished my first real perl application, E2 node watcher. It should give you reports of what has changed in your writeups (ie. this node's rep changed +2, this node C!d, this node nuked/killed). I haven't tested the whole in live, but offline tests seemed to work. In fact, I'm writing this ramble just for that, to see if it works. Ah well, sumbit time!

For 4 days, my left eye is kind of swollen. It is really annoying in that I have half vision sense of the word, but in retrospect I have come up with an excellent new form of the olympics that dispenses with that unfairness aspect of olymic basketball and other sports.

Effectively in my olympics, there are no team sports.

The olympics should and will be a one day event in which 50 year old people (to dictate averagiousity) compete in a day long running event wherein at each point throughout the select city partcipants must engage in some form of ancient sport. Throwing big pointed sticks, projecting high speed pointed sticks out of specially designed bent wood, running with tall blunt sticks at a divot in the ground, fighting in white clothing with thin metal sticks, attempting to jump over a very high free standing horizontal stick, jumping over sticks several feet off the ground while running. As you will notice, these events depend in large part on sticks. A city should be selected that has a great abundance of sticks and therefore will be a great boon to the stick economy.

Happy Birthday to all y'all birthday noders out there.

We finally got a nice cold front through here, it was all the way down to 63 when I got up. (yay, finally an excuse to get out my long pants) The weather weenies are out in force, wearing winter coats and carrying umbrellas around, like it's February or something. I love it when it's like this. Cool weather and rain kick ass.

The Infamous Ex-Girlfriend just dropped in with a plate of brownies. I'm not sure if this is a peace offering or if I should carry them down to the chem lab and test them for arsenic. She's so wierd sometimes.

I should be studying for my Economics midterm on thursday, or my physical geography test on Wednesday. I better get busy.
Urgh. How can I be so tired? I got 7 or so hours of sleep last night. Give or take an hour or two. That should be more than enough for any sane person to cope with a not too involved day of sixth form, shouldn't it?
Had strange swiss people in first lession (classics). Well, not strange, but quite, lets say, interesting when u stumble in after four flights of steps and find your normal seating has been overtaken by three largish foriegn people. Not that I have anything against the swiss. My mother lives in the damn country. And dope is legal there. How could one hate any country where that lovely substance is legal?
Boringish British parliamentary history taught by a Margaret Thatcher look-alike. social_inadequate disagrees, but what would he know? :)
Again sorta skipped lunch (well, you can hardly call half a bag of chips lunch). Don't know why I keep doing this, persumably because of nerves, but its the third week back, I shouldn't still have nerves!
English was cancelled thank god, so got to go home early and have a cup of tea. No ginger biscuits, just little carrot cake things. Must get ginger biscuits. Ginger biscuits are life.
Boring boring afternoon at home. Nothing to do except watch Labour Party Conference. Gordon the Brown dribble on about pensions and standing strong and insulting the Hague for drinking 14 pints of larger. Is this what politics means these days?
Must goto bed early tonight.
Recovering. That word has never made more sense. Spent the weekend selling roses, meeting people and starting the new job, which rocks by the way, I only wish they had more hours to give me. I came home, well, to the Rose Lady's home mostly, with five phone numbers in my pocket. Took a government test and I'm friggin' tired. Met a taurus who I am very fascinated with and hope to see again. The air crackled when I shook his hand. But let's be serious people, I know why I'm attracted to him. He's damn near the spitting image of my 'guy up north'. I guess I finally have an ideal when it comes to whom I am attracted to. He's actually taller than me, dark hair, sharp facial features, girl's mouth, nice lanky body. Smoker, that's a necessity. Driving a Camry. Not that I give a damn about cars, I just think it's very ironic, that's all. But it's what comes out of his mouth that grabbed at me the most. Yeah, I've been spoiled, I won't boink stupid people anymore. I'll be damned....I woke up today with standards! Anyway, that was Saturday night, and he had to leave fairly quickly to pick up his friend from a gay porn shop. He blushingly admitted to me that he had never had a close gay friend before, and that he wasn't gay, but he was glad to find out he was honostly a very open minded person. He got points for that. I was completely upfront with him and told him I wanted to see him again. He called Sunday morning. But I leave for up north in about a week. Hey! I always have room for more geek friends.

And everyone and my mother is calling me. Everytime I check my service, I have at least four peope to call back. I was not expecting this juggling act two weeks ago. Then I was lonely, now I'm fighting for moments to be alone with myself. And I am getting distinctly put out with all seven of my siblings and my mother. They all need to come to a compromise about some property and talk with my father, but none of them will show up because they don't want to deal with Mom. I think it's juevenile, and even more ridiculous that they can't face their differences even though they are eons older than me. I'm getting tired of cowardice and people not taking responsibility for their actions. Myself included. But I'm the one who spends every other weekend with my father It's not easy to watch such a strong man deteriorate, I admit, but all the more reason to face the situation head on. Self-centered dick spickets.

Not that I should really be complaining all that much. I get what I ask for. Oh, one more interesting detail of this weekend. The Rose Lady's ex-girlfriend has the same given name as me, and something about having me around all weekend really got her to delve back into her brokenheartness. I have a somewhat unusual name, and it triggered her. So I've barely slept for four days after listening to her tale of woe. I'm flattered she chose me to talk to about this, but it's very disconcerting to hear your name, that is rarely on anyone's lips, put down so many different ways. I'm glad I have so many pseudonyms. Okay, gotta run now.....I think I'll call the taurus back before I go to class.

What a day, finally scribbling out the conclusion to my Minds and Machines paper an hour before class, reading comics instead of working on Computer Science homework due tomorrow, finishing easy Physics work in a few minutes and spending the rest of the night helping convincing a friend that a shot of Pepperment Schnapps doesn't work on a Monday, especially with homework unfinished. In the end she did take a shot and I basically had to finish her work for her (as she could barely say "toes cold", instead it came out as "coes told"). Now all that left to complete the day is to put up a node on E2 and maybe read some more Ranma manga.

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