September 9, 2009

3:32 AM

Insomnia, my old friend. We didn't see each other for a while. I thought that after July it might go away, but of course August is bad every year. I thought after Sunday that maybe I'd be fine.

Well, it's only been a few days. Give myself a 3:35 AM chance.

3:39 AM

It's strange, going away from E2, coming back again... I've been a member going on 7 years and a lurker for longer. I'll happily go for 6, 7 months at a time without so much as logging in, years without noding. It always feels like coming home though.

3:41 AM

So, having walked out on my job, all anger and righteousness, I find myself with time on my hands. Over the last few years I have tried to make sure I have quite 3:43 AM structured time, a time to get out of bed in the mornings, friends to see and things to do in the evenings, the luxury of a sleep-in just that; and now... with no job (and only faint lights on the horizon so far), no structure, my mind 3:47 AM becomes... unfocussed, distracted. Perhaps E2 will once again become part of my solution.

I hate to sound like a foul-weather friend EDB, and the truth is I'm really not. Creativity is fed by misery, is it not? So I'm a creative-weather friend. That's not so bad, right? Right?

3:51 AM

3:55 AM

Now. This exact moment. Sitting on the front porch, thinking about flashes spent together, listening to Porcelain.

My racing dreams of chimera guide me to other stars painted in my visionary sky.

Scintillating new Suns you exhaled inside my bone-marrow. I keep them all - together → precious gems of yesterday, today and tomorrow. Earrings, bracelets, necklaces, tiaras enhancing my innermost beauty.

1⁄2 of me feels sorry that this story will never finish. Then again, maybe it's for the better this way, than waking up hating each other...

The other half of me is happy to have finally escaped this cursed liason that had me pinned to your skin. Couldn't let go, couldn't make another step to get closer, constantly building walls for my protection.

Once, on a chilly June night, just as the clock was showing 3 a.m., smoking our last cigarettes, preparing for an hour to say our good-nights, You asked what was our problem. I answered excruciating, that people rarely, ever synchronize their feelings towards each other...

Amused, you said it's silly.

It's true, not silly.

Dare I invite you look into our lives? Could you bear the truth ? Would it crush you to see I was right? Would you still laugh now, when the papers of our lives'-scripts have reversed?

« I never meant to hurt you,

I never meant to lie,

So this is goodbye

This is goodbye...»

Hopefully we'll find a way. We always find the best solution for ourselves, but not for each other, ending up with scrunched chests and javelinized hearts.

Scar tissue that I wish you saw
Sarcastic mister know it all
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you 'cause
With the birds I'll share

-Scar Tissue, Chili Peppers

Out of all the horrible names people have called me throughout the course of my life, there is only one that has ever stuck: crazy. Why would I care if someone called me crazy? Normally I wouldn't, but this time the words came from someone I held in very high regard. She didn't say it to be mean, or out of spite or even just to tease; she said it because it's true.

It's difficult to describe what loneliness feels like when you're in the middle of a massive group of 19-25 year olds all cheering on the two girls and one guy that are stripping on the counter top for money for yet another keg. Suffice it to say, it's not the greatest feeling in the world. From the very middle of a friendly crowd of my own drunken peers, I sought solitude. And cigarettes.

Things are happening around me. People walk in and out of my life so quickly they hardly seem real-- blurry shadows, too distant to really make out who they are. Words, powerful words at that, are thrown around like toys in a sadistic game of philosophical cat-and-mouse. People who are given authority become corrupted-- this is a simple idea that is fast becoming law in my mind.

People, places, memories, emotions: they all lose value as the very foundations of my life crumble under the undeniable reality of the real world. Science, with its absolutes, becomes a way to find order and control in a chaotic world that revolves around passions and feelings and other people. Love becomes a chemical equation, triggered by the presence of the right hormones and ended by the presence of the right people. Or the wrong people, whichever you prefer.

Somewhere beneath this layer of bullshit there is a life; a life with purpose and meaning, a life that I could cherish. "So kiss me", she says, "and let's fall. Even if it sucks, we'll get back up. Let's fall, over and over again. After all, isn't life all about falling?"

Little does she know that down here, beneath all of their expensive shoes and away from their hateful gaze, there is a beautiful view. I suppose I'll share it with the birds.

I had a lucid dream today, or at least some of it was.

I was in this building, a cabin I think. It was two years in the future and from my perspective the dream started in the present and ended up two years ahead in a very short amount of time. I was quite at a loss, shocked that so much time could flash forward so quickly, and terrified that if I even blinked my life would be over before it even started. "This is impossible," I thought. How could so much time pass so quickly? Dreaming came forth as a logical explanation, which was confirmed by my ability to bend space and teleport from place to place.

I had some fun teleporting for a while, though I never changed the setting of the dream. I could've, if I wanted to, but I couldn't think of anywhere better to be for some reason (half of my brain must've been asleep if I was going to be that boring. I started to feel the sensation of lying in bed at one point and remembered that spinning is supposed to strengthen the dream, so I did and it worked.

At some point I forgot I was dreaming and the scene changed. I was standing around with people in black t-shirts thinking about how fun lucid dreaming is. It wasn't long after that I opened my eyes in reality and looked at the clock.

7:45. I was going to miss the bus! Why didn't my alarm ever go off? A few seconds later I realized it was the evening.

Later I watched the president's address to congress, which was interesting although I'll admit I don't know enough about health care/insurance to know if plan will work. For some reason I trust Obama knows what he's doing (or at least knows a lot more than me) but that's probably a mistake, he is a politician after all. It was interesting how fox followed up the speech immediately with Obama-bashing and how the commercial break only contained one ad, which was about this Canadian lady who says American healthcare saved her life (I'm assuming she has lots of money) and Canadian healthcare (what Obama is proposing???) would have killed her.