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An mostly-traditional Irish song. Very fun with a room of drunken people. The words "HEY WIFE" are always enthusiastically shouted by the audience; Tradition, you know.

As I went home on Monday night,
as drunk as drunk could be.
I saw a horse outside the door
where my old horse should be.
I called my wife and I said to her: HEY WIFE!
Will you kindly tell to me,
who owns that horse outside the door,
where my old horse should be?
Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk,
you silly old fool, and still you cannot see.
That's a lovely sow that my mother sent to me.
Well, it's many a day I've traveled a hundred miles or more,
but a saddle on a sow, I'm sure, I never saw before.

As I went home on Tuesday night,
as drunk as drunk could be.
I saw a coat behind the door
where my old coat should be.
I called my wife and I said to her: HEY WIFE!
Will you kindly tell to me,
who owns that coat behind the door,
where my old coat should be?
Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk,
you silly old fool, and still you cannot see.
That's a woolen blanket that my mother sent to me.
Well, it's many a day I've traveled a hundred miles or more,
but buttons on a blanket, I'm sure, I never saw before.

As I went home on Wednesday night,
as drunk as drunk could be.
I saw a pipe upon the chair
where my old pipe should be.
I called my wife and I said to her: HEY WIFE!
Will you kindly tell to me,
who owns that pipe upon the chair
where my old pipe should be.
Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk,
you silly old fool, and still you cannot see.
That's a lovely [this is not a pipe|tin-whistle, that my mother sent to me.
Well, it's many a day I've traveled a hundred miles or more,
but tobacco in a tin-whistle, I'm sure, I never saw before.

As I came home on Thursday night,
as drunk as drunk could be.
I saw two boots beside the bed
where my old boots should be.
I called my wife and I said to her: HEY WIFE!
Will you kindly tell to me,
who owns them boots beside the bed
where my old boots should be.
Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk,
you silly old fool, and still you cannot see.
They're two lovely geranium pots my mother sent to me.
Well, it's many a day I've traveled a hundred miles or more,
but laces in a geranium pot I never saw before.

As I came home on Friday night,
as drunk as drunk could be.
I saw a head upon the bed
where my old head should be.
I called my wife and I said to her: HEY WIFE!
Will you kindly tell to me,
who owns that head upon the bed,
where my old head should be.
Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk,
you silly old fool, and still you cannot see.
That's a baby boy, that my mother sent to me.
Well, it's many a day I've traveled a hundred miles or more,
but a baby boy with his whiskers on, I'm sure, I never saw before.

As I came home on a Saturday night,
as drunk as drunk could be
I spied two hands upon her breasts
where my old hands should be.
I called to my wife and I said to her: HEY WIFE!
Will you kindly tell to me,
Who's hands are these upon your breasts,
where my old hands should be?
Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk,
you silly old fool, and still you cannot see
'Tis nothing but a Living Bra Jane Russell gave to me.
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more,
but fingernails on a Living Bra, I never saw before.

Now when I came home on Sunday night, a little after three.
I saw a man running out the door
with his pants about his knee.
So I called to my wife and I said to her: HEY WIFE!
would you kindly tell to me,
who was that man running out the door
with his pants about his knee?
Oh you're drunk, you're drunk,
you silly old fool, and still you cannot see,
Twas nothing but the tax collector the Queen sent to me.
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more, (long pause)

But an Englishman that could last 'til three I never saw before.

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