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Should you fight is a genre of list-based meme on tumblr, consisting of short paragraphs in response to questions asking "should you fight this specific person?" These lists follow a narrow category stated at the beginning of the meme post, such as "What Roman poet should you fight?" and "Should you fight the fine arts students?"

The format of the list appears as follows:
* Name of the person to fight
* Who wins? You, the person fought, everybody, nobody, or an uncertain outcome (usually represented as "????")
* A description of why this outcome would occur
* A conclusion of whether or not you should fight this person, accounting for both the morality and the practicality of the act. The phrasing typically leads with either "Do it. Fight (name)." or "Don't do it. Don't fight (name)."

These lists are often compiled by subject matter experts on the category of people being described; a classicist might describe which ancient Romans to fight, for example. Should you fight lists are typically between seven and fifteen items in length. Here I will provide a short demonstration of my own.

What Common Practice Period composer should you fight?

Beethoven
Who wins: You.
The poor sod never heard you coming. That's not very sporting of you.
Don't fight Beethoven, you damn ableist. Plus you'll probably get an STI if he bleeds on you.

Paganini
Who wins: Paganini.
His violin is called "The Cannon" for a reason, pal.
Don't do it. Don't fight Paganini.

Mozart
Who wins: You.
Mozart is a flimsy, neurotic, egomaniacal twink who thinks he's funny. Not only will you win, but you'll be doing the rest of us a favour.
Do it. Fight Mozart.

Mahler
Who wins: Mahler
Mahler is the musical edgelord to surpass all edgelords, but don't let that fool you. The Nazis banned his music; did you know that? Three of his symphonies made the list of top ten symphonies of all time. He even got most of a tenth symphony drafted before he died, which is more than some people can boast.
Don't fight Mahler. He'll shove his baton so far up your tuchus that your proctologist will wake up in the middle of the night with a cold sweat, not knowing why.

Shostakovich
Who wins: nobody
Shostakovich is an absolute badass who stuck to his guns and composed his music his way, in defiance of a seriously tsundere Communist party in Russia. Did I mention he's Russian? Did I also mention Mahler is one of his biggest influences? He wrote fifteen symphonies. How many symphonies have you written, buddy? Yeah, that's what I thought. Leave Shostakovich alone. He won't have to kick your ass; if you bug him, I'll do the honours.
Don't fight Shostakovich. He's too good for this world, and such foolishness is beneath his dignity.

Liszt
Who wins: everybody
Oh hells yes, you should fight Liszt. Smug sumbitch needs knocked down a peg. Lisztomania means it'll be the prize fight of the century, and the winner gets to take on Chopin to defend the title. Just be careful; his hands are enormous. Bring notched blocks of wood in case he challenges you to a Hungarian Rhapsody duel.
Do it. Fight Liszt. Kick his ass, the fop. The dandy. The absolute lech.

Rachmaninoff
Who wins: ????
I mean, why do you want to fight Rach, for starters? What did Rach ever do to you, other than making a double grand staff on his Prelude in C# minor, or... actually, I take that back. That is a completely justifiable reason to want to knock this guy's head off. I'll just be over here, at a safe distance, because his hands are enormous and he's Russian, and again: four staves in one line of music, the utter madman!
Do it. Fight Rachmaninoff, even if your odds are dubious.

Iron Noder 2018, 21/30

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