Sometimes it's 4 a.m.

Sometimes it's 4 a.m. when I go fumbling in the dark for my keys, my hoodie, my smokes. I'm not awake, or I've been awake for only a matter of moments. A few, but enough. I have to get out of here before the walls start to fall in, before the ceiling collapses, before I start to cry. I can't cry in here, indoors. With you still in the room. Outside. Back stairs. Morning air.

Sometimes it's Tuesday. I can see the stars through the trees as they lose their leaves. I head for the park. I cross the bridge, I think about throwing myself in the river. But what would that solve... I'm an excellent swimmer. And I don't want to die, dying isn't the goal, it never has been. I run down the path, and towards the wooded area where I can hide.

I wish I could tell you what I'm running from. I wish I could tell me. You've asked before. I hid my eyes and changed the subject. Yes, this is uncomfortable for me. Yes, this hurts. No, I don't want to talk about it. This is how things are. And, I know you don't believe. Please don't ever start to believe me. One of these days I'll agree with you and be able to move forward. It's just not right now. Not at 4 a.m.

Any late-night coders, you know how it is

Sometimes it's 4am, and my body's still working but my brain shuts down
This is so annoying because I could be doing something but I'm not
Sometimes it's 4am, and my brain's still working, but my body shuts down
This is so annoying because I want to do something but I can't

Sometimes it's 4am, and I just wish this project was over already
It's taken so much time, but the end never seems any closer
Sometimes it's 4am, and I start to get depressed
You really have to wonder whether it's all worth it

Sometimes it's 4am, and I'm emailing lecturers
There's this one great lady who actually sometimes replies within a few minutes
Sometimes it's 4am, and I have to nail a bug before I can sleep
It's generally these nights when I don't sleep at all

Sometimes it's 4am, and Basshunter just isn't loud enough
In the stillness of night, everyone else is asleep
Sometimes it's 4am, and I wish you were here beside me
Alone with my code, the world gets even more lonely