Well, you probably already read my reviews of faeculent novels, so I thought I'd do something similar with songs. These are songs that I have heard and wished I hadn't, not because they are bad, but because they are BAD. These are the songs that are so appallingly awful you can't help but scream in agony, be they incompetent, misconceived, annoying, or all of the above.

Rather than do a lengthy review of each song in a separate writeup, I'd thought I'd limit myself to a couple of paragraphs on each one and put them into categories.

Just Plain Annoying

Well, first up has to be "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen. Two verses, eight choruses, one riff, annoying voice. And Justin Bieber likes it and anything that floppy Canadian eunuch likes must be scorned. The fact that in the video they tried to make it somehow "edgy" by having the cute lawnmower-boy give his number to a (male) member of the band smacks of desperation rather than anything else.

Speaking of Justin Bieber (I also heard that Justin isn't his real first name; it's what his first girl friend called him when he tried to shag her), everything he's ever done ever.

Also very annoying is LMFAO and "Sexy and I know it." Stupid auto-tune happy synth nonsense and drony, entitled vocals. The people responsible seem to think they're funnier than they actually are. Maybe the seppos think it's funny to have a fat, hairy man in speedoes acting like a sex god, I don't know. They certainly enjoyed Friends and that was about as funny as being birched.

Gangnam Style is very annoying. In my local area every shop has the radio on and they've radio-edited it to remove the rapping in Korean and reduce it to repeating "oppan Gangnam Style" and "heeeeeeey, sexy lady" over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Christ on a bike. Why.

Speaking of why, Band Aid goes on here. Aside from being all righteous and sanctimonious and the product of that sunglasses-wearing Irish tax-dodging cunt Bono, it's also freaking dishonest guff. Africa is not a giant wasteland of a continent where "nothing ever grows," as anyone who has visited the southern end of the continent, the Nile valley, or the rainforest belt right across the middle. And there is snow in Africa, Geldof. Have you never been to Kilimanjaro you fool? Moreover, if Human Rights Watch and similar are to be believed, the biggest problem with Africa is nothing to do with its climate, it's to do with the fact that most places there have never had any form of stable government that wasn't a horrible despotism, and since foreign aid goes from poor people in rich countries (like me) to rich people in poor countries (like Mobutu Sese Seko), I will not be buying it. Because let's be frank as well, Geldof et al were skimming a nice load of cash off the top of Band Aid, surely. It's also emotionally manipulative, cloying, and saccharine. Which brings me to the next category...

Cloying and Saccharine

This is too easy. John Lennon's Imagine. The man who wrote that imagined no possessions while having a special refrigerated room in his mansion in New York to store his fur coats. It's a horrible piano dirge as well which is fapped over by throwbacks because they wish they were back in the 1960s. Anyone who admits to liking this song in my estimation is scientifically more likely to be a horrible person than those who do not like it, and you can quote me on that.

Komar & Melamid with Dave Soldier and The Most Wanted Song. This was mathematically designed to appeal to everyone so they polled people as to what they wanted to hear in it. The resulting sparkly-synth'd, saxophone-heavy trite sub-Mills & Boon love song is the aural equivalent of diabetes. I got cavities just from listening to it. Christ on a bike this is gruesome. I cannot get past the thirty second mark without grimacing. The fact that polling people led to the creation of this monstrosity is further proof, if proof were needed, that misanthropy is a perfectly normal state of being.

Everything by every boy band ever. If I could sing, was 94% less ugly, and didn't have such a hairy back, and was shorter and slimmer of frame, I'd try to get into a boy band and then subvert it from within by inserting Profanisaurus terms in every song. "Baby, we're in this boat now let's not rock it. Girl you're as warm and snug as an otter's pocket." Yeah!

Fails at Sexiness

I think the first one of these has to be Shira with the very obviously titled Pound On My Muffin. Yes, that's what it's actually called. She also puts on a very annoying voice while singing about her muff. Oh dear. The video is so stupidly low-budget it's ridiculous. Because whereas other crap rap videos have classic 1960s 'Lacs and Ferraris and big shiny Hummers, this one has a Camaro. From 1997. You know, that generation Camaro that was allegedly beloved of murderers and people with mullets. Christ and a bear.

Barbara Markay and her disco classic Give Your Dick To Me. It's typical disco nonsense however has this inexplicable bird-screeching noise halfway through that the singer generates. Fhat the wuck. Also, the lyrics - "You can give your brain to science, you can give your liver to the zoo. You can use your ass as an appliance, polish it up like new." Why, for the love of all the gods, why.

The Black Eyed Peas, My Humps. Yes. We know. Your humps. Your lovely lady lumps. Wow. How edgy. I'm singing a song about my jubblies. Herp derp.

Also, 50 Cent and Candy Shop. If he took me to that candy shop I'd bugger off and tell him that I hoped he got diabetes. Talentess queynte.

Let's move on to the next category, shall we.

Manufactured Scheisse

Where to begin? I've already mentioned every boy band ever, so let's add to that everything Justin Bieber has ever done, the floppy-haired eunuch puke that it is.

Many pop numbers from the bad end of the 1980s go on here also. For instance, Milli Vanilli, that's one, and then there's the little-known I'd Rather Jack by the Reynolds Girls. They were a Stock, Aitken and Waterman effort who basically were a mouthpiece for SAW's pout about how they were getting a roasting in the musical press. Granted, most music journos are pretentious hacks, but deriding heavy metal as "music from the past" in 1987... reality check, people, reality check. And Fleetwood Mac, despite their detractors, did manage to make several excellent albums despite the fact that they all hated each other, so credit where it's due, folks.

Paris Hilton's album, otherwise known as that platter of splatter that she threw a tantrum about until it got a deal in 2006. Everything on that is hopeless. It's her going on about how all the chaps are fighting over her and how she's "so so so sexy." I wasn't. The crowning turd in the waterpipe here, though, is her cover of Rod Stewart's Do Ya Think I'm Sexy. Oh, the humanity.

The Spice Girls, on principle, belong here. Because nothing says "girl power" like advertising for women to sing in a band with fanservicey costumes under the total creative and commercial control of cynical male record executives.

Finally, a real stinker. Willow Smith (offspring of Will Smith) and Whip My Hair. It's about how this celebribrat, who is marketable solely because she is the offspring of famous parents, likes to dip the ends of her braids in a bucket of paint and flail about. The song consists of the line, "I whip my hair back and forth" over, and over, and over, from the beginning of the song to the end, without any pause. I actually attempted suicide upon hearing of this song's existence. That is how soul-destroyingly bad it is.

I'll leave it there, I think. If you need me I'll be listening to Candlemass. "PLEASE LET ME DIE IN SOLITUUUUDE!"

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