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If you’re like me and like to throw a few back every once in a while, I’m guessing that you’ve probably have had to say this about one or more of your friends on an occasion or two. Christ, maybe it’s even been said about you once or twice in your career when you reach that drunken stage when fear is no longer an emotion and isn’t even in your slurred vocabulary. It’s usually said right after you’ve made a complete and total ass of yourself in front of a group of strangers and right before the bouncer wanders over to what the commotion is all about.

It usually starts out innocently enough. One minute you’re sailing along with a few beers and the next thing you know you’re downing a round of shots. And then another, and another and another until it’s lights out, party over. Maybe you try to start by dancing on the bar and then when that doesn’t work, hitting on anything that breathes. When that fails, you turn to instigating total strangers by poking fun at their appearance, deriding their significant other or making clever insights about their religious and political beliefs. You are after all, God’s gift to the world and the world needs to take notice. You are the apple of every one’s eye, the center of attention and their raison d'être.

Somewhere along the line the bartender is going to cut you off and all this does is fuel your anger and damage your pride. You start to announce in no uncertain terms your contempt for everything under the sun and proclaim in a loud voice for all the world to hear something along the lines of “You’re never going to drink in this shit hole again” as you dump what’s left of your drink on the bar.

If they haven’t already been embarrassed enough to intervene, it’s at this point where your friends should step in and try and calm you down. But, you being you and feeling invincible, proclaim them all “assholes” and make some derogatory comments regarding their heritage and maybe about how you’d like to bed one of their younger siblings. If they’re true friends, they’ll just brush it off and steer you out of the place before you (and them) turn to violence and somebody winds up getting their ass kicked. If they’re just mere acquaintances, most likely they’ll abandon you to the wolves and it won’t be long before you’re forcibly shown the door and left to fend for yourself. It’s here where the realization might set in that you’ve just stepped into some deep shit and you start making some apologies to everybody you’ve offended. If you're lucky, they’ll just ignore you. If you're not so lucky, I hope you have insurance for your trip to the emergency room.

Once again, if you’re like me and like to do your drinking in a local establishment where you’re considered a “regular”, chances are, you won’t find yourself in such a position. The good folks behind the bar will gently let you know that you’ve had your fill and after confiscating your car keys, suggest that you call it night.

They’ve seen it all before and they don’t want you to be that person. You know, the ones your friends have to apologize for the next day.

I don’t think you want to be that person either.

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