Insert standard disclaimer here. These are only my own observations and opinions, probably stupid, but I'm amused to no end by my own vagrant thoughts, and seeing them noded leaves a touch of the surreal to our descendants. I speak of and to and worship the male, but that doesn't mean that the female can't come in and have a jolly good time (probably at my expense, for both genders) with my weirdness. Hokay? Good, that said...

Why are most sports played with sticks and balls?

I've been told this is a silly thought. Yes, it is, I agree. Sometimes, though, you have to be silly just in order to even simply think about things. Just look at South Park.

One might suggest that the implements one uses to play a sport evolved into their present shapes out of mere functionality or necessity. Balls are round, and easily propelled. Sticks are levers, good for propelling. They're two great tools that play great games together. And sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

But over the last couple of years, I've noticed a slow shift in my "bottom of the barrel" cultural sense. Gay related material has saturated our airwaves since Ellen came out, so much so that I'm finding homoeroticism in places other than one would expect them. Kinda cool, but also ... kinda weird.

I expect homoeroticism in sports. If you're always playing with sticks and balls, and you're a male, you're gonna hard link that equipment to your own equipment, even if you immediately quash the thought as vagrant or unbecoming or just fucking stupid, it's too late; the neurons have fired. Kinda like how you instantly know whether or not you've seen a particular pornographic image before, but you're always asking yourself "Where the fuck are my car keys?" It's the way people are wired, in my opinion.

A good example of the unexpected, though, is a commercial I found recently at AdCritic. This ad, for a Foot Locker type chain of athletic shoe stores features two genero-dudes out in some urban wilderness area. One suggests they take a shortcut. The other gets bitten on the leg by a snake as a direct consequence. The first says he's "gotta suck the poison out" and hijinks ensue when a female jogger runs by and has to do a very large double take. The, um, passive dude immediately throws his buddy on the ground upon sighting yonder female and tries to nonchalantly act as if nothing even remotely faggoty was going on...a sort of spit take, if you will.

This spot is the most queerly suggestive thing I've ever seen in my exposure to US television advertising (okay, so I saw it on the web. I'll trim my pubes if we're going to split hairs). It's got slurping sounds. It's got moans and groans of male pig pleasure. It's got head bobbing. It's got the good old restraining/forcing hand on the, um, "giver's" head for Christ's sake! And all of this during the dinner hour!

And to the best of my ability to discern, this ad is not targeted at the gay man.

It's targeted at straight men. Well, and closeted frat boys too, I guess. If it truly were targeted to a standard gay male naturist, then the wilderness area would be gay friendly and the lady jogging past would be a lesbian or a girlfriend, and the recipient of a slightly-flame-y comment from our passive friend on the sucking skills of our active friend. Or there'd be a more strongly gay humorous climax, such as seeing a cop with his nightstick out. Ha ha.

If the advertising agency was merely paying lip service to heterosexuality and "straightening up" the commercial by the inclusion of a woman, they could have been a bit more subtle. Gays know all about subtext believe me. It's some of the straight boys out there that need to be, uh, clubbed with a double dong before they realize something a little queer is going on. And this spot clubs, believe me.

And the chain store, too, had to give explicit approval to air the spots wherever they did indeed air. Granted, I bet the spots don't play in Tupelo, but there's still no city or remotely metropolitan area in this country that doesn't have straights in the majority. Why would a company, the mighty gay dollar nothwithstanding, want to take a risk of offending a goodly number of red blooded straight athletic guys with something as queer as this ad ... unless the company believed, and the ad agency sold the company on advertising this belief, that this situation is something the straight man can indeed identify with, presumably enough to make a shoe purchase. Not all straight men, to be sure. But enough, apparently.

It's strongly implied that the boys in the ad were really ... really ...enjoying their activities until our Lady happens by. Even then, it's only the passive one that has a truly negative or embarrassed reaction; it even seems as if the active one is having more fun than one should have when sucking your best friend's, uh, snake bite. Do a search on "snake bite" at AdCritic and see for yourself. Perhaps our active friend was just being thorough. Saving the life of your best buddy, after all, is very important. I think they teach that in the military.

Other examples of homoeroticism are popping up in the media right and left, from Fight Club to "The Ambiguously Gay Duo".

I don't want to be mainstreamed. Not like this. Even though I think about sex all the time as males gay or straight are stereotyped to do, I'm enough of a gentleman not to show you that. I will not do anything in the shower if you drop the soap.

Not unless, that is, you really want me to, stud. Do you? Think ... really ... hard. It's okay, really, whatever your answer, as long as you're honest. And if you can be just a little gay, could I please be just a little straight sometimes, so we can avoid stupid fucking sticks and balls metaphors?

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