What if
this was all wrong. What if she was making a gigantic mistake.
What if she belonged somewhere else...
what if...
Cradling the softest,
Warmest part of you in my hand
Feels like a baby bird
Fallen from the nest
I think that your body is something i understand
I think that im happy
I think that im blessed
She cannot lie and say the fear isn't there. Stronger at certain moments than at others. It wouldn't be a bad decision, though. She had made plenty of those before and this wasn't one, Maybe something just less than bad. But was she up to being someone else's all and everything for ever and ever, amen? It was a role she felt uncomfortable with at best on days like today.
But I've had a lack of inhibition
Ive had a loss of perspective
Ive had a little bit to drink
And its making me think...
The warm and fuzzy contents of the snifter brought all these doubts to the forefront. It disabled the "confident and capable" switch that was forced into the "on" positition during the productive hours of each day. Right now, however, in this muddled moment it was all unclear. Unsure of anything other than the precarious balance that her future hung in.
They can call me crazy if i fail
All the chance that I need
Is one in a million
And they can call me brilliant
If I succeed
She felt crazy. Maybe she was crazy. What she sure as hell didn't feel like was an adult. How did this happen? When did she go from being a schoolgirl, thinking about who was going to take her to Homecoming to this woman who looked back at her from the mirror. She glanced at her finger. Fourth one on the left.
I teeter between tired
And really, really tired
I'm wiped and I'm wired
But i guess that's just as well
And she was so tired all the time. She could lie down and sleep for hours right now if they would just let her. But there was always something that needed to be done. The flowers needed to be picked. The caterer decided on. The dress needed altering...again. Why would't they just leave her alone. She wanted to curl up and swear the whole thing off. Forget this hoopla. Find a Justice of the Peace in some small town and be done with the whole mess. No cake. No bridesmaids. No hundreds of gifts to write a hundred thank you notes for.
I've had a lack of information
I've had a little revelation
I'm climbing up on the railing
Trying not to look down
She felt more alone than ever in this time that was supposed to be filled with people and joy and a coming together of kin. She had never been more isolated. On display. She didn't know who she was expected to be, only that she was sure she could never be it. When she donned the gown it didn't make her fell fabulous and delicate. It reminded her only of the archaic pomp and circumstance that surrounded her. The banality of it all made her want to puke. A show for the relatives, that's what it had been called, but it was worse that that. She was the sacrificial lamb with all the fixins. With this ceremony it ensured her family had produced something of value. An object worth parading around in front of God and everyone to be cast off onto another family that was supposed to feel honored to have her on their team.
Cause i dont care if they eat me alive
I've got better things to do than survive
I've got the memory of your warm skin in my had
I've got a vision below
Of blue sky and dry land
...and then she remembered why. Dave looked at her as that man in the robes rambled on and her eyes met his. It all faded away. Maybe it didn't even matter that she was on display. Maybe they really had a reason for being there and the people at their sides were the ones they trusted and had wanted to witness this declaration of mush. Maybe she did want the whole word to know that when she was asked if she would be by his side "For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?" she would reply, "I do."
Cradling the hardest heaviest part of me in my hand
The ship is pitching and heaving
Our limbs are bobbing and weaving
I think this is something I understand
I need a couple vaccinations
For my far away vacation
Gonna go ahead and go boldly
Cause the little bird told me
That the jumping is easy
The falling is fun
Right up till you hit the sidewalk
Shivering and stunned
At one point amidst the dancing and laughing she thought about the day that her parents had been the ones to make this journey. For all their good intentions and all their hard work, they had failed. The adventure that had been begun as two had ended divided and bitter. Had there been any clue for them? Any moment on that day for either of them that they could look back on and say "I knew right then that we had made a mistake."? If there had been a clue meant for her this day it had surely been lost among the champagne and the well wishers.
What if this was all wrong. What if she was making a gigantic mistake. What if she belonged somewhere else... what if...
But she would never know unless she tried...
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lyric snippets:
"Swan Dive"
off the 1999 album "Little Plastic Castle"
by Ani Difranco