Teenage Dirtbag

I'm a geek. I'm a such a geek loser. My life is a pathetic void of video games and masturbation. I have nothing in my life, apart from my huge and slightly creepy crush on the ludicrously hot head cheerleader chick. The only things which keep me sane are my best friend, who is the skanky chick from science class, and my wacky, zany schemes for getting the ludicrously hot head cheerleader chick to pop my cherry.

Cause I'm such a geek, I keep getting beaten up by the jocks. And guess what - you know the guy who beats me up the most, the guy who shaved "NURD" into my hair, the guy who put the school gerbil down my pants, the guy who put a flesh-eating bacteria in my yoghurt? He's not only captain of the football team, he's also the boyfriend of the ludicrously hot head cheerleader chick! He has discovered my wacky, zany schemes for making sweet Barry White love to the ludicrously hot head cheerleader chick. As revenge, he has disembowelled me and left me hanging from the flagpole. The ludicrously hot head cheerleader chick sees this. Whether she helps me down or not will decide what happens in...

So prom night arrives. My wacky, zany schemes for getting the ludicrously hot head cheerleader chick have come to naught, and I'm here with the skanky chick from science class. But I'm not worried, as I know one of two things will happen:

1. In a bizarre twist, I will realise that the ludicrously hot head cheerleader chick is actually a complete bitch. I'll have a massive insight, and discover that it's inner beauty that matters most. Fortunately, the skanky chick from science class will put on a dress, wash her hair, take her glasses off and arrive at the prom looking like a porn star. She will overlook the fact that I am ugly, weird and creepy and have sex with me. The ludicrously hot head cheerleader chick and the captain of the football team will somehow ingest pig semen during the prom.

2. (As in the song) The ludicrously hot head cheerleader chick will have a massive insight, and discover that it's inner beauty that matters most. She'll ditch the captain of the football team (who will, in his despair, accidentally ingest pig semen). Then a stage light will fall from the ceiling and land on her head. In her state of confusion, she'll forget that my creepy stalking really bothers her, and that I'm rather ugly. She will have sex with me. The skanky chick from science class will cop off with the foreign student.