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Back when I was but a wee nut, pre-masturbation and when I still thought girls all were icky and had the dreaded lurgie, it was the 16 bit era. The days of the Amiga, and the Atari ST, and the PC running Windows 3.1. And on several of these platforms (definitely the ST and Amiga, I forget the PC) there was a proliferation of strip poker games.

I think it was probably because the 16-bit platforms were possessed of sufficient processorly fortitude to display detailed images at 320x200 resolution (which would be resolutely legovision by today's standards) at upwards of 16 colours - and even at just 16 colours, the ST still had a bank of 4,096 colours (512 pre-STE) to choose 16 from, and as such you could have relatively detailed nude girlies in varying states of undress without developing a building-block fetish and being hauled off for indecent exposure when trying to bum a Meccano set. They were also rather easy to program for, most of them shipping with one of a number of different BASIC dialects, and the fact that strip poker's hardly a game requiring fast action (well, on computer) meaning that even in the horribly slow interpreted languages that came with the computer one could put together such a game.

That, and the fact that it wasn't too difficult, comparatively, to bung together a not-too-hard AI to play against (if it were too hard, nobody would buy it, surely) led to games such as Teenage Queen.

(Bear in mind that this was before the internets, people, before you scoff too hard.)

Written circa 1988 by a pair of Frenchmen under the name ERE Informatique (later to become Cryo Interactive), it's basically that, strip poker, except with hand drawn pics of the (very French looking) gal. This actually makes it nicer looking than its digitised photograph competition, whose pics of nude ladies are grainier than YouPorn webcam footage. Also the fact that the deck of cards never seems to produce anything lower than a 7 kinda hampers the poker aspect of it. So anyhow. Once you win €100.00 or so off her, it moves onto the next picture. Starts off with her in a fur coat and hat in a park, moves to a bench with convenient upskirt aspect, goes to a bar, then to her place, then to varying states of undress until she's all nekkid!

At this point, you would normally have thought you'd won. Except no, you can keep playing! Woo! Maybe you think you can get pix of her splittin' the kitten, hm?

WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!

She then continues to remove her clothes and too late, you realise her skin is actually a thin rubber disguise and underneath she's a robot with a grinning alien face thingy on her front, and she's come to GET you! Fuck! Fuck!

At this point back to the DOS prompt you go, having learnt an awful lot in the past couple of hours:

  • You really should get out more.

  • There actually exists terminator pr0n.

Unpleasant dreams!


(IRON NODER 2011, 11/30)

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