She never remembered not being depressed. It was always there in the back of her mind.
Once when she was four, she was at Gary's house for a friendly gathering. Gary was a 'friend' of her mom's. He had a seventeen year old son. Though most details about Gary's son have faded, she remembers him as a fun-loving friend. That day, he and his friend were amusing themselves by startling the children while the adults enjoyed their drinks inside. Nature called, and as she made her way to the bathroom, the seventeen-year-old jumped out from behind a corner. The shock sent her tumbling to the ground, where she soiled herself and scraped her knee. Though she neither cried nor made a sound, she remained frozen in place. Worried he'd truly hurt her, the teenager scooped her up and rushed her to her mother. They departed the party shortly after.
Within weeks, Gary's son ended his life with a shotgun - this marked her first encounter with the concept of suicide. Her friend who had carried her to safety just days before was suddenly, irreversibly gone.
Years later, at twenty, she found herself back at Gary's house for an oil change. As he worked beneath her car, she opened up about her struggles, voicing thoughts of not wanting to exist. Gary stopped what he was doing and emerged from under the vehicle, wiped his hands clean, and gestured for her to sit. He pressed a cold beer into her palm and shared his thoughts of his son's death - how the ripples of loss touched everyone who knew him. He spoke of missed opportunities, of all the years he'd never get to witness, of the signs he wished he'd seen. Then he turned to her, speaking of her mother's deep love, of his own care for them both, and of how their lives would fracture if she were gone.
That talk stuck but she had questions that coiled at the back of her throat. Counterpoints formed in her mind, but remained sealed behind her lips. It is what it is.. isn't it?
Once when she was twenty-two, someone noticed her self mutilation. He doubled as a high school teacher and was working as a checker at the same grocery store she worked at. He assumed it was because of a boy. She let him think that, it was easier than the truth.
That talk stuck but but only highlighted the disconnect. She thought to herself, it was her brain causing this, not some boy.. How do you 'forget about' your brain?
Once when she was twenty-five, she let herself fall for someone. His mere presence made her pulse race, and she had a hard time looking at him, as if he was too bright, like the sun. One day, gathering her courage, she pressed a handmade gift into his hands and fled before she could see his reaction.. That rush of adrenaline was intoxicating. And like any powerful high, it left her craving more.
She forgot a lot during this time. She collected bad habits and assembled poor choices like a jigsaw puzzle of self-sabotage. The distinction between seeking oblivion and seeking sensation blurred until they became the same thing: anything to make her heart race, anything to help mask the pain.
History would repeat itself. Different faces, same scene: someone would notice her spiral, sit her down, press a beer into her hands - just like Gary had years before. They'd share their concern, their wisdom, and their warnings.
On the surface, she assembled the pieces of a functional life. Dragged herself through finals, collected her degree, secured steady employment, She marked off all the checkboxes of "getting better." To the outside world, she had pulled herself up, dusted herself off, moved forward. But the battle continued. No witnesses to the daily skirmishes. No medals for surviving another day. Just her, alone in the trenches of her mind, still fighting a war no one could see.
Eventually, it became unbearable so she tried to tell them. She asked for help and instead they gave her metaphors and anecdotes. She asked for help and they told her how much they would miss her if she were gone.
She told them of her pain.
She was provided drugs, ECT, support groups, and therapy.
She told them nothing helped.
She was given a baby to raise. How could she leave something so dependent on her?
She loves that kid. His smile is so bright. As he grows, he shows her delight that she had forgotten. He looks to her for everything. He's also seen her struggle. She hopes he doesn't become like her. But if he does..