That I would be good even if I did nothing.
I am not a good woman. No one is a good woman. Or man. We all fall short in the eyes of God, and that is likely what makes us who we are. We're formed in frailty and imperfection. The uneven borders and misshapen edges cause us to weaken under stress.
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down.
We trudge through and take consolation in the smallest of things. A little helpful hint here; a little unexpected gift there; a kind word when it was not called for. Our only salvation is to proffer as well as receive.
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick.
Jenny was having trouble with her daughter. The young girl who had been a delight for fifteen years had suddenly turned ugly. She was not coming home on time and not calling to say where she was.
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds.
Jenny had put on a lot of weight during this time and finding a new father for her only child was going to be a whole lot more difficult at 210 than it would have been at 145. She remembered vividly the day she stood on the bathroom scale and it went to 151. The days between that and when it tripped 200 seemed like a lost dream.
That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt.
After Bobby left her for the teenage waitress at the Waffle House (she always knew that place was evil, but never knew exactly why until now), finances had been tough. Talking about the financial perils in front of her daughter was probably a bad idea. That might have had some effect on the choices she was making these days.
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth.
Jenny found herself daydreaming and night dreaming about her high school boyfriends. In the dreams, she would be the aggressor and be taking down their pants instead of the way it had really been.
That I would be great if I was no longer queen.
When she would wake up in the mornings, she would roll over and prop one eye half open as she relived the dream. A glimpse of power seemed to flow into her like a magnetic wave from the corner of the ceiling into which she stared. But the minute her bloated feet hit the cold linoleum of the bedroom floor, the power vanished.
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing.
Jenny had never been the smartest kid in school, but she was always considered by her buddies to have a lot of "street sense". Now here she was with an only child who was learning the streets more precisely than she could imagine a fifteen year old could do.
That I would be loved even when I numb myself.
Trips to the kitchen wore a pattern in the living room carpet. Her drugs were cheddar cheese and Almond Joys and potato chips and various other poisons sold openly on supermarket shelves in and around your area.
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed.
Her day became timed by the consumption. 8:00 AM was spattered with bacon and eggs with lots of cheese and onions. 10:00 AM was tainted with sweet rolls and more coffee with lots of half and half. Noon was lunch and Jamie had taken to enjoying her lunches dining in at the McDonald's just down the road. A Quarter Pounder with Cheese and a Fishwich with the large order of fries was her de rigueur meal. 3:00 PM was smudged with either salted nuts and beef jerky or popcorn with lots of butter. She'd have a light dinner around 6:00 PM. But the few minutes just before bedtime were tarnished with either a can of Hormel chili or some Bryers Cookies and Cream Ice Cream.
That I would be loved even when I was fuming.
Lack of self-control leads us into attempts to control others. It is my burden alone that I bear and fortune weeps when I frivolously shower my inequities upon my only child. The lazier and more self-pitying I become, the more I lash out at her. She's just being a kid. We all did.
That I would be good even if I was clingy.
I will be good or at least better and ease up on the child. She will learn. She is smarter than I ever was. She will work it out. I will tell her I love her more often.
That I would be good even if I lost sanity.
It will hurt but I will learn to let her go.
That I would be good whether with or without you.
Lyrics by Alanis Morissette