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So about a month ago, some clown was outside the window to my room. My room is detached from the house, and the window looks out onto a very lovely alleyway, which is trafficked heavily by the drunk and disorderly of our charming little town. Every so often, I would smell this really nasty stale old cigarette smell coming in from my AC wall unit. I'd assume it was someone walking down the alley blowing smoke in the direction of my AC, and I never paid it any mind. This would happen usually late at night, after last call at the local bars.

One night, the smell was so strong that I had to go outside and see what was up. My door opens into a little concrete trough which steps up onto a porch which leads inside the house, and to the right is a big wooden door leading into the alley. The latch to the door is old as fuck, and it has to be opened with a lead diving weight that I keep on a ledge nearby. To the right of the door, there's a hole in the wall (I guess there used to be a piece of lattice there or something) that looks right onto the window in my room. I take a look out that hole, and sure enough, some motherfucker is trying his best to peer into my room through my window, which has an opaque blind across it. I inquire as to the nature of his activities (what the fuck are you doing, you motherfucker), and he responds with a nice disarming "don't worry about it". I dart back into my room, grab my hunting knife, and run into the alley with the intention of giving chase to this unsavory individual. He was nowhere to be found.

This incident, however bizarre, was by no means the strangest thing that has ever happened to me. I figure "he won't be back", and life goes on. Well, I was wrong. A few days later, I smell the same distinctive smell in my room. I open the door to my room and look out the hole in the wall, and nobody's there. "Probably just someone smoking nearby. Don't be so paranoid".

Tonight, things took a turn. The following is a chat transcript of me describing tonight's incident to a friend.

(02:26:14) Wubbing Fubbus: remember that incident where that mother fucker was outside my window that one time and i chased him off with a knife?
(02:26:34) Wubbing Fubbus: the mother fucker came back. I was inside my house taking a shower, and I was using the window as a mirror to shave
(02:26:52) Wubbing Fubbus: and i'm looking at the reflection of my face, and i see this fucking dude behind the glass
(02:27:16) Wubbing Fubbus: i yell "you motherfucker"
(02:27:34) Wubbing Fubbus: i realize there's no towels in the bathroom and the only other towels are out on the porch, where he was lurking
(02:28:09) Wubbing Fubbus: so i put on some boxers and head out onto the porch. i pick up a baseball bat that was out there and i start stalking around trying to find and club this fucker
(02:28:41) Wubbing Fubbus: and sure enough, the whole area fucking reeked of stale cigarettes, which is his calling card
(02:28:51) Wubbing Fubbus: so this guy has been lurking around our house for a long time now
(02:29:08) Wubbing Fubbus: and i think it's high time he was on the receiving end of a crippling beating
(02:30:37) Wubbing Fubbus: i am now in my room, poised ready with a baseball bat and a large hunting knife, eagerly awaiting that smell of stale cigarettes so that i can go dish out some justice.

Clearly, something must be done. The fact that he was on our porch where there's really nothing to steal, the fact that someone was obviously awake (the lit fogged-up window was really obvious, considering he was standing right in-fucking-front of it), and the fact that he's been around our house before make his intentions unclear. If he was just out to steal shit, that's cool. Whatever. So far, he hasn't stolen anything. I don't know what he's up to, and that's what makes this whole scene so bizarre. So, to you I pose the question: what's he up to? What should be done? Perhaps he just wants to be friends? Or maybe he wants to live in our yard, at peace with nature? I doubt I will ever know.

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