Table Of Contents

Chapter V - Intelligence Insults

This chapter is a bit more difficult, so I'll take you through it a bit more slowly. Okay? Good.

There are two major types of intelligence insults:

1. The direct insult,
2. The labyrinthine insult.

Let's start with number 1. The direct insult is as easy to apply as moisturizer. The only important thing to remember about this type of insult is the timing, you fucking idiot. Just kidding. The direct insult can stand on it's own, but is better when delivered after a blunder (linguistic or otherwise) by the target.

There are various ways of delivering this type of insult. The easiest is probably just throwing the target's mistake back at him, in the form of a question. This must be done in a sarcastic and derogatory tone.

  Jenny:" Yesterday I made a Freudian strip."
  John:" Oh, you made a Freudian strip, did you?"

This serves the purpose of bringing the mistake to the insultee's attention, and ridiculing him at the same time.

Blunders, however, are easy to come by - either by mishearing, misunderstanding or incorrectly analyzing the context of the target's "mistake".
You must take care not make any blunders during your insult, because then you will be the idiot. For example:

  Jenny: "Yesterday I made a Freudian strip."
  John: "Oh, you made a Freudian strip, did you?"
  Jenny "Yes, his name was Victor. "
 

Another way of delivering this insult - a much more direct way, is making a statement about the target's intelligence. This, of course can stand on its own.

  Sybil: "I went shopping yesterday, and I found that
          the stores had all run out of wine."
  Anthony: "You're just a dumb bitch, then, aren't you?"

Please note that this does not even have to be justified. In response to Sybil's obvious question, "Why does that make me an idiot?" Anthony must simply answer, "Because you are, bitch," thus delivering a crushing blow. Should Sybil continue on this now hopeless road of self-defense, we often find the final blow is not far away.

  Sybil: "Don't call me a bitch."
  Anthony: "Bitch."  

Thus Anthony, even though he is a Wop, comes out on top. (A good rhyme for insulting Wops).

On the other hand we find the labyrinthine insult, designed so as not to look like an insult. It's function is to make the target believe he is less intelligent than he thought he was the moment before the insult, thus leading to a lower self esteem. In order to employ this veritably malevolent intellectual manacle one must presently place oneself in such a linguistic, (or otherwise) position such as to subvert the gullible target's ego to a state of incoherence (by and of the ego) as to it's own capacities, and by so doing, incorporating the resources formerly allocated to the conscious part of the mind with the resources of the subconscious, which by now should be perturbed if not frustrated, thus intertwining the self-propagating web of confusion further. This could be undertaken by verbosity, (or sesquipedalianism), unusual weaving of grammar or numerous other obvious methods. As its name suggests, it is labyrinthine and therefore not common in its interpretation as an insult. However, the target will feel the same pangs of the insult as if you had called his mother a whore (which she is).

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Back to Chapter IV - Parental Insults . . . Forward to Chapter VI - Body Insults

It's really hard to decide which of the above two gentlepeople (we're trying to insult Footprints and Cletus the Foetus here, not all of you H. sapiens male wankers, OK?) to insult. (See also The Art of Insulting - Chapter II - Who do I insult, if your birdbrained braindead bird-like intelligence has already managed to forget Footprints' poorly-written, hopelessly stilted (softlinked so CtF can easily find what that word means) and largely content free prose (CtF, that's intelligent speak for "poetry which doesn't rhyme")).

It's "its" not "it's" in the first paragraph too ("... can stand on ITS own..."), you poor pair of dimwits. I mean, did you both try to go to Austria but end up in Australia, where an emu pecked out the tiny remnants of brain out of your misshapen skulls?

Footprints' grasp of the English language is weaker than a baby's whose hands are missing; this is well known (at least, to anyone with an IQ of above 3 degrees Kelvin, aka "more intelligent than empty space"). Still, every new mistake of his which I discover fills me with awe over just how cold outer space really is.

But the aptly-named CtF's "writeup" (more like a wrongup than a writeup, if you ask me) is even more astonishing. While Footprints makes a feeble attempt at what he no doubt considers "humour" (yes, there is a U in "humour", in case any of you are of the legendary species known as the "intelligent American", and is actually intellectually capable of spelling), Cletus the Foetus' abilities extend no further than a poorly-executed spelling flame. Given his inability to sense the second disturbance in the spelling, it is highly likely either that the first one was pointed out to him by someone else, or that he is, in fact, the same sorry numbskull as Footprints.

And what's with the crappy obscenities all over the place? Too lacking in fucking wit to insult without these sod-sucking appeals to the lowest common denominator? Even the readership of as shitty a place as E2 is (a tiny bit) above that!

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IMPORTANT UPDATE!

Thank you so much, Mr. Ten Min Joe (What the hell is this? Some kind of Native American-Vietnamese-American name?), for your insightful comment that "stilted" above is hardlinked, not softlinked. I bet you're the kind of guy who gets all hot because he knows the difference between the two types of links. Well, to set your mind (I'm exaggerating for the sake of irony here) at rest (as if any force in the world could get it moving), YES, YOU'RE RIGHT. As if anybody CARES about your amazing English-language prowess, or something. I mean, you're the sort of guy who used to go to The Mousetrap and say "but he's not really a policeman" out loud, aren't you? There's this thing called a process of discovery, by which SMART PEOPLE learn. And SMARTER PEOPLE help them do that.

Thank you.