display | more...
an entry in OLA Scary Story Contest 2000

The Bloody Murder Story
by Taylor, age seven

Chapter One
The Scare

One day there were two children and they were trick or treating and they went to this very scary house. And they rang the doorbell and a vampire came to the door. And he had some blook dripping down his chin. And then he said "I want to suck your blood."

Chapter Two
The Bloody Town

The next day they ate all the candy that they wanted and then they listened to the radio for the weather. When they heard the weather they also heard the next thing that there was someone going and killing people. When they went outside they saw people laying on the ground and they were all dead. And they saw someone killing them and they were the last people there. Then they heard a voice behind them. It was the killer.

Chapter Three
The Funeral

At the funeral everyone was sad. But the two children were still alive and they were happy. Then they heard a noise! It was the killer! Everyone was running all over the place. He had enough time to kill 40 people with a knife in the back in sixty minutes.

Chapter Four
The Mystery Killer

The mystery of the killer was not solved yet, but they know that the person was a boy. No one likes him at all. The next morning they went out and looked where they would find the killer. And they looked in the graveyard. He was not there. They looked in the neighborhood and he was not there.

Chapter Five

The killer had a friend. Her name was Killer 2 and she was worse than him! When they found him, he was dead. In a secret hideout there was blood all over the place. He had been killed by Killer 2. Killer 2 killed him with a knife in his back.

Chapter Six

The children finally got home. But then they saw a white ghost. It said "I'm going to kill you and Killer 2 while you are sleeping!". The boy killer was their neighbor Tom, and the identity of Killer 2 was still a mystery!

The End

A critique.

Chapter 1 : Could use a bit more character development for the vampire. Why does he want to suck the childrens' blood? Is their blood in some way superior to other blood? Why was the vampire there? I must know! The ending is very good. The vague, abrupt finish is open to wide interpretation. Did the vampire suck their blood? Are they now vampires?

Chapter 2 : A little unrealistic. What kind of kid listens to the weather? Hmph. I tell you what kind of kid- a vampire kid. Otherwise, a very good chapter. Climactic. The longest and most revealing chapter of the novella.

Chapter 3 : Excellent statistical data. 2 people/3 minutes really makes you realize the fearsomeness of the killer. It made me wonder if perhaps they really were vampires, since they are mysteriously alive still.

Chapter 4 : I'm very shocked that he wasn't in the graveyard. The writer obviously has his act together, avoiding conventional murder scenes. Originality is great! Is this taking place at night? I didn't know that vampires could stand the sun.

Chapter 5 : Oh, why do we always hurt the ones we love? This is a great tale of betrayal, with a proverbial "knife in the back". But then again, maybe Killer was a vampire, and the knife failed. Abort/Retry/Fail?

Chapter 6 : Just when you think things are coming together, the writer shocks you with one plot twist after another. The ending leaves the reader paranoid and unsure of the future. I would recommend this book to anyone with enough time to read such a lengthy bit of fiction.

Log in or register to write something here or to contact authors.